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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am 16 years old and have known my romantic partner (age 17) for about a year, and almost 4 months of that year we have been dating, all the time before then we were close friends who would lowkey flirt with each other from the very beginning. We were immediately extremely compatible in both friendship and then with our romantic relationship, and have both been there for each other through the very best of times and the very worst of times. (And i do mean the very worst; we've each talked the other down from suicide at least once now)
Although we have never had a fight, we've discussed fighting, and how we both are when we fight or argue with someone, and talked about how to handle it when it happens one day, bc we both know and accept that of course one day we are going to fight or argue.
Although 4 months seems so short, i feel like i've known them my whole life, as if there was never a time we weren't dating, and they have expressed the same feelings to me.
Our relationship is extremely open (communication-wise, it is not a polyamory deal) and has always been so healthy, we've made compromises and sacrifices and we know that one day we will get married. We have discussed this on several occasions, that after we are both graduated from high school, sometime after that we'll be getting married. We are both very committed to the relationship and know we are in love, and i know that people change from their teen years throughout their adult years, but we're both so committed and willing to make sacrifices for the other and so open with our feelings that i know it will work out, because we'll both be able to talk things through if/when they start to get rocky in later years.
We currently wear promise rings.
Tonight we discussed engagement, and the fact that there is no age requirement to get engaged, so technically we could get engaged. We've both expressed many times before that we wish we could be engaged, that we both want to propose so badly. They basically implied tonight that they want to pop the question, or vise versa, sometime in the near future.
My question is, is this too fast, is it too soon? I'm perfectly happy with the pace things are moving at, people can meet their true loves and know it at younger ages after all, but a comment a girl made about "Promise rings at 3 months?!!" last month got me worried that maybe it is too early?? I personally feel more than ready and i know they do also, but....I don't know, i'm questioning my feelings now bc of what others might say/think? (Also yeah, i know, i should talk to them about this, i know i should and i will, but i also wanted to hear what others have to say about this) Will add information as needed if there are any questions or misunderstandings, i appreciate any and all advice and opinions!!
The Answer
Everyone thinks their own relationship is special, and nearly everyone thinks the relationship the currently in is the one that is going to last. It's okay to believe those things and to build your life around those beliefs.
But realistically, very, very, very few people go on to build a lifelong partnership with the person they loved at 16. Nearly all of those relationships end, and the people who get engaged and married very young (especially younger than 20) are at much higher risk of divorce, are less likely to pursue higher education, and are at greater risk of experiencing domestic abuse.
Think it's shocking that 36% of all marriages end in divorce within 15 years? That number jumps to 60% for people married before the age of 25. You've avoided gender pronouns, but please don't think if you are queer you can buck that trend—the rates are the same. Although gay marriage is a newer legal phenomenon, couples who commit by living togeather or buying a home together very young have similarly high rates of separation.
Simple fact is, people who meet and bond young can't help themselves: They have unrealistic ideas of what a lifelong commitment actually means. You think suicide attempts are rough? They are, but they are rarely the thing the ends relationships. People tend to pull togeather in emergencies, it's the day-to-day negotiations that rip people apart. Try wallpapering a room, doing your taxes, or buying a house togeather. Those boring couple tasks require a whole lot more patience, skill and self-knowledge than dealing with an acute mental health crisis.
You feel ready. So go for it. There are risks in trying, just like there are risks in waiting. You and your partner have every right to make this decision for yourself.
However, when people tell you it's not a great idea, and you don't know what you are doing, just do yourself a favour and don't get upset. Instead, acknowledge they are COMPLETELY correct. The odds ARE against you two. Statistically, it's more than likely that you won't end up getting married, and even if you do it's more than likely you'll divorce. And you DON'T know what you are doing. You can't possibly know. You're trying to figure it out, and you have every right to choose to do that togeather.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK
I used gay 'marriage' in quotes to acknowledge the fact that LGBT people have been forming lasting, life-long partnerships outside of the legal definition of marriage for a very long time and that just because not all of those partnerships were called marriage under the law until more recently, doesn't mean we don't know anything about those partnerships being formed, or dissolving. What we do know is that even when marriage wasn't available to these couples, their relationships ended with pretty much the exact same level of frequency as any heterosexual couples would. I can see why it confused though, so I've taken it out.
Just for the for the record, I've been for marriage equity since before you were born, and we've had marriage equity where I live for over a decade.
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