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Engagement at 16/17 years old after 4 months?
I am 16 years old and have known my romantic partner (age 17) for about a year, and almost 4 months of that year we have been dating, all the time before then we were close friends who would lowkey flirt with each other from the very beginning. We were immediately extremely compatible in both friendship and then with our romantic relationship, and have both been there for each other through the very best of times and the very worst of times. (And i do mean the very worst; we've each talked the other down from suicide at least once now)
Although we have never had a fight, we've discussed fighting, and how we both are when we fight or argue with someone, and talked about how to handle it when it happens one day, bc we both know and accept that of course one day we are going to fight or argue.
Although 4 months seems so short, i feel like i've known them my whole life, as if there was never a time we weren't dating, and they have expressed the same feelings to me.
Our relationship is extremely open (communication-wise, it is not a polyamory deal) and has always been so healthy, we've made compromises and sacrifices and we know that one day we will get married. We have discussed this on several occasions, that after we are both graduated from high school, sometime after that we'll be getting married. We are both very committed to the relationship and know we are in love, and i know that people change from their teen years throughout their adult years, but we're both so committed and willing to make sacrifices for the other and so open with our feelings that i know it will work out, because we'll both be able to talk things through if/when they start to get rocky in later years.
We currently wear promise rings.
Tonight we discussed engagement, and the fact that there is no age requirement to get engaged, so technically we could get engaged. We've both expressed many times before that we wish we could be engaged, that we both want to propose so badly. They basically implied tonight that they want to pop the question, or vise versa, sometime in the near future.
My question is, is this too fast, is it too soon? I'm perfectly happy with the pace things are moving at, people can meet their true loves and know it at younger ages after all, but a comment a girl made about "Promise rings at 3 months?!!" last month got me worried that maybe it is too early?? I personally feel more than ready and i know they do also, but....I don't know, i'm questioning my feelings now bc of what others might say/think? (Also yeah, i know, i should talk to them about this, i know i should and i will, but i also wanted to hear what others have to say about this) Will add information as needed if there are any questions or misunderstandings, i appreciate any and all advice and opinions!!
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Lets see if I got this right. From how i interpret, it sounds like you both want to propose and get engaged. However you didn't explain what proposing to each other entails in your mind as its carried out for real.
You wonder if it is too early to become engaged and it would seem the only reason you are wondering and have some doubt is because of girl commenting on promise rings? And since it was from someone your age, a peer and they likely were questioning your wisdom or something like that, you now aren't sure.
I guess I'd need to know the reasoning behind the promise rings. I have heard of promise rings but only in a movement in Christian churches that has become popular recently, at least during the time my daughters were going thru puberty. I will tell you what I know so in case you are wearing them for the same reason. The church promise ring was for girls and guys who would get taught about staying pure for their marriage partner and also promise not to have sex even with the person they may intend to marry, until their marriage night. ONce upon a time, I blindly went along with this and my first 2 daughters agreed to wear promise rings. My beliefs changed vastly by time my youngest got to that age and she decided not to wear one. You mention romance, but not sex so it may very well apply that you both are from CHristian families and are wearing promise rings which are not the equivalent of an engagement ring to them. Since many marriages and engagements break up around the world every day, we could say that the rings have no significance on whether a relationship will work for life or not. Rings are a symbol, nothing more. That which makes a relationship work, grow and solidy over time is not the symbolics or a ring or even celebrating an anniversary but it is the every day hard work that both put in equally to the relationship, no matter the age.
If you want to wear it because of how you feel about each other, I can't see wearing one as speeding things up in any way, especially since you sound like you're aware of all the things people will say, so you seem to be very intelligent. You intend to wait until after you graduate to marry and that is good. I know I married at 20 and it didn't work out. If I had the life experience I have now in my late fifties that I had at 19,20...I would never have married him because there were warning signs easy to see for a person who knows what to look for to know that a person is not right for you and also has some traits that are destructive to a love relationship. I didn't know and had to learn the hard way. I can't presume to know what things you have in store to learn and experience in your life and it may not be in the area of relationships anyways.
I know many will balk at your age, but I understand if you want to wear rings now, and its based on your vows and promises to each other, thats fine. oNly if your feelings change in a couple years, then you need to be honest and break those vows by speaking to each other as kindly as possible.
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You both are very young and most likely still in high school. So I have to say "What is the rush?" Meaning if this is a true love and not a high school romance it will be a lasting romance. You don't have to be engaged to be in a committed relationship.
As to high school romances; I know one or two couples from my high school days, way back in the dark ages, that have stood the test of time. They have had children and now are enjoying there grandchildren. DO they have any regrets for marrying as young as they did? Some for it was really tough those first few years and they learned as life went on how much it hurt them financially to skip college.
I also know several couples who married for the wrong reason such as to keep the guy out of the draft then they compounded that mistake by having children when the draft changed the rules. At some point all but one of these marriages ended. Most tried to wait until the children were adults, 18 years old. For them life was well horrible with constant fighting and different addictions in some cases.
I'm not saying this will be you and your boyfriend in either instance. Statistically the younger you marry the more change the marriage will end in divorce. Why does this happen. In some cases one of the people finds a way to get their education either by one supporting the other while the other goes to school or through night course. In this case they grow apart intellectually. But for the most part life for young marrieds is hard and there is constant fighting over bills and if there is children there are a lot of bills that come with raising a child.
Now getting back to the present and why the rush. Do you want to go to college? Does he want to go to college. You should both go to college as in todays world a high school diploma does not guarantee a good job.
If you truly love each other and this relationship is meant to be it will stand the separation of two different colleges if that is what happens. If this is just a high school romance then you will both find other partners and that is okay two because this is what this time of your life is all about.
The love you two feel for each other today is very real and I would never try to tell you otherwise. My parents and your grandparents might refer to your relationship as puppy love or first love and I have vivid memories even today of them saying that and how it hurt.
My advice is to slow down. Enjoy what you two have today. If this is the real deal it will still be the real deal in six years when you two have finished your education.
One other thing make sure he truly loves you for boys his age confuse up the definition of love and lust. They will say they love you but what they really mean is they lust for you. Once they get their pleasure from you its thanks for the buggy ride and their off to find another girl to conquer. This may not be your boyfriend but make sure before you commit to him.
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Everyone thinks their own relationship is special, and nearly everyone thinks the relationship the currently in is the one that is going to last. It's okay to believe those things and to build your life around those beliefs.
But realistically, very, very, very few people go on to build a lifelong partnership with the person they loved at 16. Nearly all of those relationships end, and the people who get engaged and married very young (especially younger than 20) are at much higher risk of divorce, are less likely to pursue higher education, and are at greater risk of experiencing domestic abuse.
Think it's shocking that 36% of all marriages end in divorce within 15 years? That number jumps to 60% for people married before the age of 25. You've avoided gender pronouns, but please don't think if you are queer you can buck that trend—the rates are the same. Although gay marriage is a newer legal phenomenon, couples who commit by living togeather or buying a home together very young have similarly high rates of separation.
Simple fact is, people who meet and bond young can't help themselves: They have unrealistic ideas of what a lifelong commitment actually means. You think suicide attempts are rough? They are, but they are rarely the thing the ends relationships. People tend to pull togeather in emergencies, it's the day-to-day negotiations that rip people apart. Try wallpapering a room, doing your taxes, or buying a house togeather. Those boring couple tasks require a whole lot more patience, skill and self-knowledge than dealing with an acute mental health crisis.
You feel ready. So go for it. There are risks in trying, just like there are risks in waiting. You and your partner have every right to make this decision for yourself.
However, when people tell you it's not a great idea, and you don't know what you are doing, just do yourself a favour and don't get upset. Instead, acknowledge they are COMPLETELY correct. The odds ARE against you two. Statistically, it's more than likely that you won't end up getting married, and even if you do it's more than likely you'll divorce. And you DON'T know what you are doing. You can't possibly know. You're trying to figure it out, and you have every right to choose to do that togeather.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK
I used gay 'marriage' in quotes to acknowledge the fact that LGBT people have been forming lasting, life-long partnerships outside of the legal definition of marriage for a very long time and that just because not all of those partnerships were called marriage under the law until more recently, doesn't mean we don't know anything about those partnerships being formed, or dissolving. What we do know is that even when marriage wasn't available to these couples, their relationships ended with pretty much the exact same level of frequency as any heterosexual couples would. I can see why it confused though, so I've taken it out.
Just for the for the record, I've been for marriage equity since before you were born, and we've had marriage equity where I live for over a decade.
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