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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
BACKGROUND:I met this guy on tinder(wow ik so romantic) in November and we hit it off, similar interests, taste in music, quirky sense of humor. Went on our first date in January. He goes to a military college so we can only hang on the weekends but we text through the week(both of us sending 20txts at a time), snapchat, etc. Our relationship has never been defined, neither have felt the need to but it's been going great. To a degree casual as both of us still get on tinder but both of us have said we like the other and neither of us have gone out with anyone else from the app. On our dates We always end up laughing and talking about our ambitions, lives, everything. We always seem to make many plans for future dates based on random conversations we have or things we see.
This weekend we were supposed to go walk around art museums, stay in a hotel, just have a nice weekend together. It was getting close to Saturday and I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday so I texted him asking when he wanted to go. 1am I got a response telling me he recently found out his dad has cancer and that he needs time to process the news. No details and it was very stiff and polite considering the very lighthearted guy he is. I responded that I understood, that I was here if he needed me to be, and that I was sorry for the emotions and pain he was facing. I don’t know how much space to give, if he doesn’t contact me whether or not I should try to reach out. Honestly I’m wondering whether or not to expect him to end things. I really don't want this to happen as he is a really special and important person to me. Honestly everything about the situation is depressing me because there are so many things we talked about doing and it was starting to get more serious. Basically I'm looking for any ssort of perspective. If age matters he's 20, I'm 18
The Answer
You might have to let this go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out and offer him support and friendship.
At twenty, he is young. Full young to be able to handle his father's illness. It's fine to say that you'll do whatever he needs, but this young man probably has no damn clue what he needs.
You should reach out, with support and limited expectations. He may not enjoy long, full weekend or hours long dates right now, especially if he has limited time to spend with him family. He may appreciate low-key, shorter visits, and food. Can never go wrong giving someone who is stressed good food, even if it's just sending them a box of their favourite tea or coffee beans. That's always a good way to let someone know you are thinking of them.
Cancer is scary, but it 'cancer' can also mean many things, from months to live, to a serious years long battle, to even a not-too-painful treatment that is likely to work. It will probably take a few weeks for your boyfriend's family to even know what sort of cancer treatment they are looking at—if any. You want to be respectful, especially during that period of total uncertainty.
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