(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
21/f I apologize in advance for length.
A little background:
I've been suffering from clinical depression since I was 16. I had never been sure of why I was so depressed until a couple years ago, realizing it was my incredibly low self-esteem and self-worth issues. I have a self-harm problem and I've tried committing suicide 4 times, ending up in the hospital 3 of those times due to overdose. Therapy and anti-depressant/anxiety meds have helped me.
One of the major side-effects of my depression is my irritability. My annoyances and anger, though I do very well in containing them, have been extreme since my depression surfaced (I tend to think it was being a teenager AND being depressed).
My mom is very passive-aggressive, and always hides her stress and negative emotions, however will lash out in weird ways, like ignoring me, snubbing me or giving me one-word answers. She picks up on my irritability and automatically assumes it's a jab at her, so she responds with ignoring me (which obviously stresses me more). We've sat down and talked about it at least 6 times, I've apologized and told her it's not about her, but it has yet to click.
My last attempt on my life was this April. A few weeks after, I moved in with my newlywed older sister because nearby there was a summer temp job I accepted. My sister commonly reported to my mom (I talked with my mom regularly, so there was no need for her to nose in) that I came straight home, watched Netflix and went to bed. While true, I was proud of myself for finally doing what I wanted (resting physically and emotionally) instead of only doing things for others, like hanging out with them, and exhausting myself, which would worsen my condition, stress me out, and make me irritable, starting the pattern again.
2 months of living with them, my temp job was ending in a week in a half. I came home, and my step-dad and sister's husband were waiting for me. They informed me that after my temp job, I was no longer welcome to live back at my mom's house. Therefore, would need to find a job, place to stay, place for my dog to stay, insurance, title and plates on car, etc, and my source of income was ending 1 and 1/2 weeks. They left me home alone the rest of the weekend with that news. My boyfriend was worried and called them for help since he was far away and my mom replied "There's nothing we can do."
Luckily my dad has taken me in while I find a job and save for a place, but he lives in a small trailer (his construction project for now), and there's no room for my Husky, so he's still at my sisters.
From what I've heard, it seemed to my sister and her husband that I was not improving. They have not discussed that notion with me, but reported it to my mom. My mom now is growing stomach ulcers. Unfortunately, with the way she handles stress (she doesn't...), I saw this coming. She didn't want her health to suffer more so they didn't want me back. They thought I should be improving since they found out about my condition 1 year and a half ago (it's been going on FAR longer). They also don't want to "enable" my depression...
It just screwed up my finally-budding confidence to have my life flipped upside-down like this. I know they don't hate me, but my depressed side is hard to convince. It's not my fault that I have this stupid condition. I would wish it away in a heartbeat. But it's also not my fault that her health has suffered. My sister got married and mom was almost in charge of the whole thing, and now my sister's pregnant (good news, still a lot of planning, etc.) My younger brother has no interest in college, drinks underage against her wishes, causes a lot of trouble. He moved out of state with this girlfriend we all hated, she cheated months after, now he's back home. My mom's job is also a insurance claims manager. Basically all this to say I am NOT her only stress, however I do understand it's a rather large chunk. But... That months earlier in the hospital she was saying that she wanted me to understand how special I was, and then to turn around and basically say she can't handle me any more? It crushed me after I was finally making progress with myself. Now I have to start over.
It's been two weeks since living with my dad. My dad is trying to force me to call my mom. I CAN'T. I. CAN'T. I'm in the shock/anger stage of things. Calling her would only result in anger and yelling, and would just stress her out. But my dad's playing the "dad" card and trying to make his 21 year-old do something she's not ready for (yeah, good luck buddy). I'm just so angry, and the few friends that I've told have been so understanding, but no one else in the situation seems to get why I'm so upset about this (my sister, mom, dad, etc.) I'm not tooooo sure of what I'm asking here, I guess... Can anyone shed some light on the subject? Does anyone else understand how I feel? Am I justified in not feeling ready to call my mom? Thanks for listening.
The Answer
I think you are doing a great job holding yourself together. Of course you are angry with your mom and your sister. They just made your life way more difficult in ways they should have realized would be way more difficult than it needed to be. You are also being really reasonable and respectful to recognize all the different stress and troubles they are facing - even though that can't entirely excuse their lousy behaviour towards you.
You aren't starting over. You clearly have made incredible strides in learning how to care for yourself and how to tackle your own problematic thinking! Your family fucked up and created challenges for you, but they didn't send you back to square one. Square one was lying in the hospital overwhelmed by these feelings. You're still making huge progress and you should be really proud of yourself, even if no one else is giving you the praise you deserve.
It's okay not to be ready to speak to your mom. You might try talking to your dad about whatever it is he is afraid of. Like, if he is afraid that you are never going to speak to her again, or that you'll hate her forever, you can share with him that although you are really angry and disappointed with her now, you don't plan on hating her forever. If he thinks you owe it to her to contact her for her own sake, you can remind him that she has a network of people to care for her, and that your most important job right now is taking care of yourself. You can't be giving your mother support at the risk of your own health and sanity right now. Just stand strong with your dad, but appreciate where is he coming from, at the same time as knowing you get to make the final decision about any contact you have with your mom.
Keep doing what you are doing. Lord knows things could be way easier, but you are making progress and should be proud of yourself. Just because your family is too caught up in their own shit to recognize it, doesn't mean you aren't doing really well.
(View All Other Answers.)