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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I want to apologize in advance if this writing makes it sound like I'm accusing any parents or grandparents on this site of anything. I'm very upset right now, so please excuse me if this seems a little hostile. I don't mean to be nor do I mean to cause any problems, but there's something I need to know. When people say that they love their kids and grandkids equally, how many of them actually mean it? I know that many of them do, but I feel like grandparents say it waaaaay too often and don't mean it at all? I mean, grandkids aren't the same as actual children. Is it just some meaningless platitude grandparents feel they HAVE to say? And why is everyone so convinced that it's normal and does no damage if you don't love them equally?
Let's say that there's this man who has two daughters and seven total grandchildren who he's always alleged that he loves equally, but he doesn't and it makes me wonder if ANY grandparent actually does. Even if I'm wrong about him loving them equally, then equal love doesn't seems worthless. I know that's harsh and in sorry, but like I said, I'm very upset.
His oldest daughter has a son, Lane and two daughters Avery and Collins. He ADORES them. He never shuts up about them, especially Lane and anytime somebody wants to talk about anything else, he finds a way to change the subject back to them. They can do no wrong in his eyes and when they do wrong in someone else's eyes, he defends them and berates whoever is angry with them.
When he and his wife got separated, he moved ten hours away from her and his youngest daughter to be near his oldest who'd just had Lane. He lives so far away from his youngest daughter and her kids who all still live near his wife. He rarely comes to visit and when he does, he acts disinterested in the daughter OR the kids. If the oldest daughter and her family come as well, he parades her kids around and show them off to everyone he can. Many people don't even know that the youngest has kids.
His youngest has three sons and a daughter, Aaron, David, Jude, and Alexia. They get little to no attention from him at all and it hurts them more than he'll bother to think about. It drives his youngest daughter absolutely crazy and she gets sick of people saying that it's no big deal, that she's being unreasonable, and that it's no big deal to to the kids when they aren't the ones who have to put up with his bs.
The apocalypse would not have been able to keep him from being there when Lane was born. He was there when Avery and Collins were as well, but since he lived on town then, it was a lot easier. Aaron and David are fraternal twins and he didn't bother to come when they were born because it was too far away. He got TWO grandsons at that time and would not bother to come. They were born in October and he decided to wait until thanksgiving to see them, saying he shouldn't make two trips down there so close to each other.
Jude and Avery were born just over a month apart. His youngest daughter couldn't make it to Avery's baby shower because she couldn't travel. His oldest daughter was very understanding and blamed herself for it because she didn't plan it sooner, but their dad had a conniption about it. He treated her like the GD devil for not coming to her third baby shower (she had two for Lane). When Jude was born, the rules were different. There was no baby shower, but rather a smaller party called a sprinkle. Men weren't invited, but he could have sent a gift or some diapers or something and didn't. He also wasn't wasn't there when Jude was born either. Very hurtful.
No one expected him to be there when Alexia was born and he wasn't. His wife has been at ALL of the oldest daughter's kids events including baby showers, births, christening, baptisms, and when she can, even things like ball games and school plays. It's not fair that the dad won't do the same for the youngest daughter's kids.
He broke Alexia's heart by not going to her high school graduation, not because he couldn't or didn't want to, but because he was trying to bet back at her mother for at the time. Instead of directing his anger at the mother, he aimed it at his innocent, "loved" granddaughter. He missed a once in a lifetime event and does not regret it. He blames his youngest daughter for it.
He is a big church goer. He loves church and never misses it when someone he knows speaks at church for whatever. When Jude spoke at church near Christmas time, the dad was invited to come down. The oldest daughter and her family were coming to town for Christmas already and came a little earlier so they could hear Jude speak. Granddad was asked to come by Jude an BEGGED to come by Jude's parents, but he didn't. His reasoning was that he was mad arcHive at the time for something that wasn't even his business. He claimed to love him, but called him trash in the same sentance because he went out with multiple girls at the same time. He wasn't in an exclusive relationship with any of them, so technically he wasn't doing anything wrong. But granddad says that he's never been so embarrassed by a relative in his life.
I'm just sick of people putting their kids and grandkids through this kind of bs. I'm sick of some who do this kind of thing claiming to love their kids and grandkids equally when they don't and I'm sick of people who admit to loving one more saying that it's normal and okay.
I guess I mainly just needed to vent some anger, but please, if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
The Answer
Loving someone has basically nothing to do with how you treat them.
I know that sounds weird, because we love say shit like "He wouldn't do that if he REALLY loved you." but it's nonsense. People who REALLY love each other sometimes treat each other horribly.
Love is a feeling. It's a connection and care, but it's not action. Loving as an action is totally different. Loving as an action takes respect and humility and generosity and self-awareness - things some people just don't have.
You can look at your grandfather's actions and say, well, he doesn't love them equally. Or, you could say he doesn't really love anyone at all, he just chooses to value them differently based on how they make him feel. Or, you look at him and say he probably loves them all as his grandchildren, but it just so royally fucked up in other ways, that he is incapable of treating them equally or sharing that love in respectful or reasonable ways.
You've got a lot of pain about his behaviour, and that's legit! His behaviour sucks, and is painful, but don't use it base your entire philosophy of parental love on. He's not that important. He's not doing what he is doing because of some underlying philosophy or deep truth about the nature of love, he's doing what he's doing because he's a deeply fucked up human being.
Personally, I have seven siblings and I'm lucky enough to have a pretty awesome set of parents. I know my parents love us all equally, but I also know that doesn't mean that they like us all equally every day of the week. Sometimes, we're assholes, to them, to each other, just in general. We have bad weeks, we have bad years. Some of us are easier to talk to or hang out with than others. Some of us, they have more in common with than others. They'll always love us as their kids, but they are not obligated to like us as people all the damn time. We're not the same as people. We can't be. If our parents pretend we are all the same, they aren't really paying attention to us.
It's tough. There are no great answers, but really, take your grandfather for what he is and don't try to assign his behaviours to a larger theory or understanding of the world. One selfish person can do a lot of damage, but that damage only gets worse if you fall into the trap of believing their hate is meaningful. It's not meaningful. It's not about the nature of love. It's about one asshole grandpa. Unfortunately, he's your asshole grandpa.
Those who are in pain because of his assholery, should seek counselling to help manage that pain.
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