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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I want to apologize if this ends up being a little long, but please take the time to read it if you can. Let's say that you had a friend (a 27 year old man) who you cared for very much who's behavior towards his ex girlfriend is starting to worry you.
We'll call this guy by his first initial, D. D basically stole this girl from his good friend, P after having not shut up about her or left her alone for a while. It was a little creepy the way he'd talk about his friend's girlfriend and the way he'd look at her, but whatever. They ended up getting together eventually anyway.
You got the feeling that D didn't think he was good enough for this girl, who we'll call A. While they are both attractive, A is kind of out of D's league. D is boyishly good looking in a way that not everyone sees. Also he's gained quite a bit of weight and started dying his hair a weird color. A is jaw droppingly beautiful. She's very different and interestingly looking and has gorgeous features, but is very, very modest.
D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him or that she was only dating him because she was too modest to know that she was out of his league. He was always worried that she'd eventually realize that he was prettier than he was and she'd dump him for it. To be honest, I think she already knew, but wasn't as shallow as he was and got sick of him worrying so much about it.
I knew it wouldn't work anyway. They were too different. A is a devout Christian while D is a staunch,militant atheist. A is more conservative while D is very liberal. And they have different values and goals in life. It was bound to fall about eventually, the only question was when.
A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back. J is a lot like A and is definitely more in her league than D. He is, like her, jaw droppingly beautiful. To say that he is movie star handsome would be an understatement. He's a Christian, he's more conservative, and his personality, values, and goals are more like hers.
It's for the best that they broke up, but D is unwilling to stand for it. I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway, but he won't let her go. He calls her all the time and gets crazy, tornado pissed when she won't answer. He asks her friends where she goes all the Tim, specifically with J and then shows up at those places and begs her to come back to him. He shows up at her house all of the time and stands outside of her window while she's asleep just to be near her.
He made a comment once about how he wished he was stronger and more in shape so he could use his muscles to keep A and J away from each other. D's not a big guy. He's about 5'7 with no muscle and a lot of fat. J is over 6 feet tall and would be all skin and bones is t wasn't for his muscles. He's got some good sized ones and if he and D ever got in a fight, J would win. Even A would have a chance at taking him if they got in a fight.
The comment he made implied that he'd beat J and intimidate A out of leaving him if he could. I don't think he ever actually physically hurt them, but I know he's thought about it and wishes he at least had the ability to do so.
Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it?
The Answer
That behaviour is criminal. Not all crimes will be called 'stalking' but it's definitely criminal, and would be covered under harassment or called by other names.
If he shows up on private property at night, someone should call the cops. They will help explain to him why this is not acceptable behaviour. Phone calls and social media posts should be documented and kept - to help the police understand what is going on, and just in case it escalates.
Following, or showing up, in public is a bit harder to address, but she should still report it. It might be best for her to speak a women's advocacy group or to the police (on a non-emergency line) to find out what her best options are when she feels he is following her in public.
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