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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am in amazing relationship, one that I've always wanted and dreamed of. Both of us are in our 30's, were were married before to other people and now both divorced, but head over heels in love with each other. There is one problem, he cannot get over my dating past. Before meeting him, I was in two long term relationships ( marriage and one for 6 yrs) and then became single and dated for two years. I met him before he even had the chance to date again, we hit it off immediately and fell in love over time. He said he loves how sexual I am, but hates my past, his resolution is to 1) swing with him and let him have sex with someone in front of me, or 2) participate in a 3 some and let him do his thing in front of me. This kills me, and I don't want to. I love him sooo much and if I saw this it will hurt so bad. My past means nothing to me, but he doesn't get it, because he didn't get to date after his marriage with his HS sweetheart. Instead he went on a date with me and we have been together for almost a year and we live together. He has given me this ultimatum to continue with our relationship. I don't know if I can do this, I wish I could move out and let him try the single life he says he missed out on, but I am afraid of losing him and I don't want something to happen, but I'm tired of being ridiculed. I want him to see me for who I am today and what I offer, not my past. Please help! Should I put my feelings aside and take the torture of seeing him have sex with someone or should I get out of his life and let him do his thing and pray he wants me back. 30 ish female.
The Answer
He's an ass who is trying to control and manipulate you into sexual encounters you do not want.
He thinks you owe him sex. He thinks you owe him a certain kind of sex. Doesn't matter what else might seem so good about him. Once someone feels you OWE them shit like that, they are a dangerous person to be around.
Let him go. If he is so unhappy with HIS OWN CHOICES then he needs to go off into the world and make the choices he wants, with people who also want those things. If he feels he missed out on so much that he is willing to toss your relationship away - let him do that. It will hurt to watch him walk away, but it'll hurt more to let him keep holding you hostage with his bullying and shaming over your past. This is not a man who is simply asking for what he wants, this is a man who is willing to attack you and your life choices in the attempt to bully you into submission.
Do not torture yourself for this stupid, selfish, temper-tantrum throwing child. He is BLAMING you for his dissatisfaction with his own life. Tell him to man up and make his choice. He CANNOT continue to bully and blame you because he's not happy. If he's not happy, he needs to go deal with that and stop judging and torturing you. That are perfectly valid ways to discuss your desire for other people with your partner - but holding your partner's past over their head is NOT one of them.
Maybe you'll be around when he's done being an ass. Maybe you wont. That's the risk he is taking when he buggers off. In the meantime, you go look for someone who is mature enough to be in a real relationship with an actual adult person. You deserve better than a hostage negotiation with a dissatisfied little boy.
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