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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I've been talking to this guy I met about 2 months ago, Im 24 he's 25. We've met up maybe 3 times, he's really busy so we meet up when we can. Most of our relationship was through texting, and it was fun. When we did meet up it was effortless and comfortable and it got a little hot too. The first week we started talking I got this weird vibe that something was off so I told him I needed a break from texting almost every hour of everyday, not long after we picked back up where we left off, no problems, and I apologized for being cautious. The other two times that we hung out followed after that, and from my view it was perfect, we connected, he was very affectionate, but then the last time we hung out we were making out and before he left he got very distant. As he was leaving he gave me a hurried kiss on the cheek and all but ran out the door. The next day I asked him what was up, and all the sudden he told me he wasn't ready for a deep/steady relationship. He said I was cool to hang out with, beautiful, sweet, funny etc. he told me he had got out of a long relationship about 3 months ago. So I said I understood and I wished him the best because he told me he didnt want to lead me on so he wanted to cut ties right then and there. So we did. Until two days later when he text me sayin he misses talking to me. I responded saying I missed it as well and he asks if we can start talking again. Of course I really like this guy so I said yes, but then he immediately responded with "Well I don't want to lead you on, I still dont want a relationship, but I don't just want sex either." Also he made it very clear any time we would hang out would be by his choice, not mine. I couldn't believe it so I told him as nicely as I could "I may like you a lot but I deserve more than you can offer me right now." He seem to take it fine telling me that he understood and it was asking a lot from me and if I ever needed anything to let him know. So now I feel stuck, I know I'm not going to get the relationship I want from him, but I like him enough to actually miss him and want him in my life. Do I just suck it up and count this as a loss, realizing that he may not even want me at all? Or wait for him to maybe one day want the same thing I do?
Sorry for the long question.
The Answer
Do actually you want him as a friend?
The two of you have never discussed what a friendship might look like. It's always been about friendship+sexual+romantic but totally not serious. Are you interested in a friendship? Do you think he is? Do you think he's capable of a platonic friendship? Are you?
If you actually want him as a friend, go ahead and contact him. However, if your hope is that you if you just hover around he'll changes his mind one of these days, then don't. Never do that. Save yourself that waste of energy, time and hurt feelings. It's not really a friendship if you are just sitting there hoping for something more and the likelihood of that happening is near zero anyways.
In your shoes, I'd let this one go completely. He may have done the right thing by being honest with you, but the situation he suggested - where whatever the two of you would do depended entirely on his convenience - isn't a very friendly or respectable way to operate. A guy who tried to get that sort of arrangement would strike me as very immature and inexperienced. A guy with more experience, would understand there need to be more back and forth and dialogue than that, even in casual relationships. Casual relationships still require effort, communication, and respect.
Don't wait for him, and don't pine for him. He hasn't expressed an interest in you as a friend, or as a girlfriend. The sanest thing to assume is that he's not that into you. Into you enough for casual hookups on his schedule, but not into you enough to make time for you as a friend, or as a possible romantic partner.
A guy who wont make time for you as a friend, or as a causal hookup, either genuinely doesn't have any time in his life for a new person, or is a guy who hasn't learned to be respectful of all the women in his life - not just his girlfriend.
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