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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
21/f, 28/m
Long story short: I've been with a guy for a 7-8 months.
I have this gut instinct that majority of the time is correct. For example, my gut instinct tells me to bring an umbrella but I don't, it starts raining later on. I had a gut instinct a few days ago that something was wrong in my relationship. I decided to ignore it because it I didn't understand what it was about. Later on, his ex-girlfriend started popping up in my mind and I thought I was just being paranoid. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and that if something were to happen, he would tell me himself.
In the end, I snooped and went through his phone and saw a short conversation between them two. I was not worried about her because she was the one who broke up with him, but I did question his loyalty towards me. It turns out my gut instinct was correct. I didn't mind him trying to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, the only thing that had me change my mind is what he said to her. She asked him for a link to a website that he used and said she was sorry for interrupting. He said that she shouldn't be sorry and that he "missed having her in his life". She asked if he has been dating anyone and he responded, "yes, but they're nothing compared to you. You set your standards up pretty high. You should be proud of yourself." And she said thanks and the reason why she was asking was because she wanted to know that he was moving on. She said that she has been dating a few people and that she found someone that she really liked but the only downside was that he lives in Australia. His response was, "oh, congratulations" and she said, "Thanks for the link. I hope you're doing well and you'll find someone that's good for you. We just weren't the right fit."
I was upset when reading it. I wanted to give him a chance to tell me. In the end, he did admit to me that he spoke to her a few days ago... He told me partially the whole truth, but not the whole truth. He tried convincing me by showing me his messages to her, but he DELETED the "i miss having you in my life," "yes but nobody compares to you" messages. He lied to me, told me I was being crazy, and that was the whole message. I then told him that he deleted something and he denied it for two hours. I revealed to him that I was snooping and I did happen to read it. I'm not saying that it was right to snoop, I was just hoping that my gut instinct was wrong and was a false alarm. He got quiet for awhile and then he finally admitted that he did delete a few messages.
I was really upset. I told him that I was fine if he wanted to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, but the reason why I was not okay with it now was because of the way he spoke to her. I thought it was rude and disrespectful towards me. She's dating someone and she's not telling him that she missed having him in her life, etc. I said I would've considered it fine if he just sent her the link and just said, "hey, it's no problem. How are you doing?" versus "I miss having you in my life."
I told him that I felt like it was disloyal, dishonest, and disrespectful towards me. He couldn't see it... He didn't see it as him being disloyal. He apologized for lying and he told me that he doesn't want to get back together with her. He admitted that when we first started dating, he wasn't completely over her and that he was still debating about me. He then said that his feelings for her has changed up until now and his feelings for me have changed, too. He said he just wanted to be friends with her because she was a big part of his life and it was upsetting that she didn't even want to be friends with him (at least right now). And that he wanted to be serious with me.
He said that the way he worded the way he said those things to her, was that she knows him better than anybody else and he knows her better than anyone else other than her parents, she would understand what he meant. But it didn't seem like it to me if she asked him right afterward if he was dating other people. I told him that I was uncomfortable of him talking to her that way, and if she didn't want to be friends, I thought it would be healthy for him to let it go.
If anything, he got defensive. He seemed to use the fact that I "snooped" a bigger deal. He said he didn't feel guilty of the conversation or the way he spoke to her but he did feel bad that I read it. I told him that if he told me everything from the beginning, I wouldn't have snooped, I would have trusted him to continually tell me things like that if he told me the first time. He didn't see it as him being disloyal, but he did apologize and see fault in lying. He told me he didn't want to tell me because during the day that she messaged him, he thought about it only for about that day and they didn't talk for months before. And after that, he forgot about it and focused on me. He tried seeing me more and he wanted to make me his priority.
After him lying to me and the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I was hoping to gain some perspective from a third-party on this situation. What do you think I should do? Do you think he's telling me the truth? Or is he lying? Should I forgive him and set boundaries and consequences? Or should I completely leave him?
The Answer
Do you believe him?
Here's the thing: You were never expected to see those messages. They were private. They were how he felt at one time, for a few minutes, while texting an ex. It's not disrespectful of him to HAVE feelings like that, or even to type them to someone. It might have hurt you, but that doesn't mean he is a horrible person. Feelings evolve and change, daily, even hourly. The fact that he felt that way once, doesn't mean he's definitely a filthy liar. He could just mean that he is a complicated and messy human being, like all of us are.
He could be telling you the complete truth - He felt that way once, or for a moment in time, but it doesn't reflect all the ways he think and feels for you now.
Here is the thing, not only did you snoop - you lied about snooping in order to entrap him. The right way to handle that would have been "Dude, I snooped. I shouldn't have, and I am sorry, but we need to talk about what I found because it's a serious issue." You didn't come clean about your snooping, not because you wanted to give him a chance to be honest, but because you were hurt and you wanted to make him hurt. You snooped, which is wrong and a betrayal, and then you lied about having snooped, which is also wrong and betrayal.
He is legitimately pissed with you. What you did is at LEAST as bad as what he did. Frankly, I think it's way worse. What he did may well have been a momentarily lapse in judgement. You actively choose to snoop through his things and then again actively choose to lie about what you'd done.
Seriously. You don't have to like it, or even admit to it yourself, but you fucked up at least as badly as he did. What you did was at least as disrespectful and disloyal. It doesn't mater much at all what you found, or what your gut told you, it matters what you did and did fucked up.
If you don't believe his explanation, then break it off.
If you believe him when he says that he wants to be serious with you now (which could absolutely be the 100% truth, I don't know. You are the one who actually knows him. You're going to be the best judge of that.) then you should forgive this. Not punish him or set boundaries or consequences - you have ZERO right to pull that sort of shit. You have no moral high-ground here - just forgive, believe in him, and move forward.
And, if you believe him and want to be with him, you also need to ask his forgiveness, both for the snooping, and the shitty, mean-spirited way you handled what you found out.
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