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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am 24 years old. My father has done everything he can to provide for my family and myself and he has definitely succeeded. We have not had a good relationship since I was in middle school maybe 12/13 years old. Nothing he did just never really bonded or gave him the time of day I suppose. I know this hurts him. Fast forward to present day, I have been dating a sweet boy for almost 2 years. He has tattoos and because of this my dad refused to meet him in the beginning. A few months into the relationship, he asked me if we were sleeping together and I replied honestly that we were. This pretty much ruined whatever little bit of relationship I had with my dad, he said he was ashamed and no longer had respect for me and not to mention even more refusal to ever meet my boyfriend. For the past 2 years we have had several arguments over my boyfriend. Yesterday, my dad told me to end the relationship (we had a previous fight about egg donation, i signed up my dad wasn't happy with it and said my boyfriend has no respect for supporting my decision to possibly donate eggs) and if I didn't he would disown me. So I broke up with my boyfriend right after that conversation. I feel this was the wrong decision for several reasons:
1. I still love him
2. The relationship is succeeding
3. Boyfriend had no say of our outcome
4. My father made the decision
5. This was also said out of anger
6. Dad still has not met boyfriend
So I suppose what I am seeking advice for is what I can do in a situation like this. He pays for my school (I am in my last year for my BA) and I still live at home. I am hoping to move out within the next year but would like to do so peacefully and mutually. Was I wrong for ending things with my boyfriend because it's what my dad wanted? I am so torn, I don't want to lose my dad but I also don't want to lose this relationship especially on these terms. I feel my dad is manipulating me, help!!
The Answer
Your dad is manipulating you. Overtly. You don't need to say you 'feel' manipulated. You are being manipulated. Your father is threatening your basic security as a person - your place to live, your connection with your family, and your ability to complete your schooling - because of a relationship that is not dangerous or harmful, but that he just doesn't approve of.
He has the power to make those sorts of threats. You are old enough that he can kick you out and he doesn't have to pay for your school, but they are still obviously and clear threats.
Your father is obviously controlling and frankly, he sounds like he is threatened by your healthy relationship with your boyfriend, who actually has shown some support and respect your ability to choose for yourself.
A bit of advice:
Stop giving your father the benefit of the doubt. Stop being honest with him. If he uses your honesty as a weapon, he is no longer entitled to the honest truth about your personal, adult decisions.
Only you can decide if you are willing to risk the serious discomfort and family problems of continuing to date this guy. I wouldn't worry too much about your school - there are ways to access funds for education. But in the end, you have to decide whether you are willing to fight that fight or not.
EDIT in response to feedback:
Your father has shown a such degree of controlling impulses that is it possible - even likely - that he will never choose to acknowledge your ability to make choices for yourself, or your right to do so.
Please, do not waste your years trying to earn the love and respect of someone who will never give it to you. Accept that this is his shit, and his flaw, and find a way to be happy in spite of him, not because of his praise or insults.
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