(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(
The Answer
You might need to accept, that as much as you feel this is a friendship, he's not treating you like a friend. He's treating you like a vending machine, and acts like if he just keeps on putting quarters in you you'll spit out romantic feelings for him at some point.
He's ignoring your clear statements about what you want and don't want, and he's ignoring your discomfort with his behaviour.
What he is doing is not friendly, and not only is he being dishonest and disrespectful to his girlfriend, what he is doing is also bullying. Lots of people say of their bullies "Oh, but sometimes they are really nice!" but that doesn't make it okay when they are really mean.
Putting up boundaries is hard, and loosing a friend is even harder, but if he can't shut this shit down, he's not really your friend - he's just a guy who thinks if he pushes you hard enough you'll give him what he wants. If he is only being kind to you in the effort to earn a romantic/sexual relationship with you, that's not real kindness. If he can't stop that eventually you are going have to walk away from him. Maybe that is the thing he needs to hear: Let him know that his behaviour is becoming a friendship deal breaker, and if he can't stop, it's going to kill your friendship.
Unfortunately, a lot of young guys end up doing this sort of manipulation - well the whole time telling themselves they are just being 'nice' or 'romantic' - and thinking they can earn romance from a girl even if she doesn't feel anything like that from them. Most will grow out of it, but not all. When guys are young sometimes the only way to protect yourself from this kind bullying and manipulation and to tell them that this isn't friendly, and to end the friendship completely.
Friendship takes two people. You can't save this all on your own. He has to genuinely want a friendship with you too. If what he really wants, and keeps trying to get, is more than a friendship, it's just not going to work out no matter how hard you try.
(View All Other Answers.)