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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I DELETED THE OTHER POST BECAUSE IT DID NOT MAKE SENSE SO REWROTE IT TO POST IT NOW AND THIS MAKES SENSE. I COULD NOT JUST ADD DETAILS ON THE PREVIOUS POST BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE GIBBERISH SO HERE IS THE NEW POST THAT MAKES SENSE.
Yesterday morning I (AGE 59) asked her did she remember what she said a week ago and she first said in a nasty way "No but whatever I said I meant" Then I said a couple of things which made her say "Whatever I say you twist and turn even if it is in your favor" and I asked her to clarify and she said "Well if I tell you that you look nice today then you would say 'why you dont think I looked good yesterday'". I walked away and then a few minutes later I came back and I asked her what do you mean in my favor and she said the same thing "If I tell you I like the way you look you take it to mean that I didnt yesterday" Then about in the car around 2PM today (I was driving because my car was in the spot that we pay for) I said to her "So what you are saying is that if you compliment me one day and you dont the next day I would get upset" and she said "I told you that a million times"
ORIGINAL STORY A WEEK AGO
I drove her to do some chores and I said to her 'Are you really putting down my clothes' and in a sarcastic way she said 'Yes I am'. Any way I dropped it and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes and she replied "I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset”. So I teased her about that answer. At the next chore after she finished she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more "There are some days one looks better than others”, which got me upset and I asked her to clarify and she said "The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on”. We said a few other things which made her say "I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. Then three days later my mom and I were fighting and during the course of the fight she said "You used to dress nice, they were expensive". She claimed later on that day she only said it to get rid of me, but she wont admit it now. She also tells me she doesnt have to say what I tell her to say because I said to her "All you have to do is say 'I only said you used to dress nicely because I wanted to get rid of you, and when I said great I just meant that if I liked something and complimented you that day and not the next you would get mad". She
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I DRESS BEFORE YOU READ THE STORY: I WEAR VERY NICE PANTS, WITH A BLOUSE THAT IS SLEEVELESS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SLEEVELESS TOP, I DRESS CHIC AND ELEGANT. I DO NOT WEAR TANK TOPS, JEANS, OR SKIRTS OR DRESSES. BUT I DRESS VERY FEMININE. IN THE WINTER I ALSO WEAR SLEEVELESS SWEATERS WITH A LONG SLEEVE BLOUSE UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER OR A TURTLE NECK UNDER THE SWEATER
The Answer
Hello. I wish I could say it is nice to see you here on Advicenators again, but it's really not. When your obsessive, repetitive questions about your mother stopped, I had hopped you might have sought out counselling or support for yourself, since that is clearly what you really need.
Both you and your mother are aging, and you need to find healthy ways to deal with these conflicts. They are not worth extreme the anxiety and unhappiness you seem to feel. We can't cover that on an anonymous advice site. You need more than we can offer here.
Please, speak to some sort of support worker, through your church or through a group for seniors, or some other social program. It might be wise for both of you to start with your family doctor, and have a full check up to see if there is something physical contributing to your agitation. Coming here to ask advice questions, over and over again, is not the proper way to deal with these issues. Your problem is not your petty disagreements with you elderly mother about your clothing or jewelry. Your problem is your inability to handle these conflicts in calm and reasonable ways. We are not qualified to give you the help you need. Please go seek it out in the real world.
EDIT
I understand this upsets you, but the answer you NEED is the answer I gave you, even if i's not the question you asked. The answer you need to hear, is that this isn't the best place for you to seek help or air your frustrations. We are not equipped to help you.
You may feel this rude, but it's also entirely honest. Your question here is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. I remember many of your previous questions and how you rehashed, over and over and over again, every single detail of perfectly normal conversations with your mother and your friends. I remember how you wrote and reposted essays, tried to dissect every single sentence, and how you constantly sought other people's interpretations and agreement with you. It wasn't a healthy way to behave then, and it's not healthy now. I really hope you don't start doing that again. Talk to a doctor or counsellor instead. That is where the help you really need is.
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