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26/f
My boyfriend is 29, we've been dating two years and we're getting married in three months. He has a nine year old daughter in another state. She doesn't know about me. He only visits her once or twice a year because she lives really far away, but he tries to call a lot and always sends money to her mom. I'm just scared because I've read articles about how a lot of kids have a harder time dealing with a parent getting remarried than they do dealing with their parents getting divorced in the first place! What's the right thing to do? I don't want to make her accept me as this new "mom" if she doesn't have to, but I also want to be honest, and I feel like I should get to know her if we're family now. The most important thing is that she's not emotionally traumatized... how can we do that?
Okay, I know a lot about this.
My dad remarried twice.
The first time I had a hard time accepting my new step 'mom'. It took honestly a few years until I really started to appreciate her, and the things she did. Now if he hardly sees her, technically she is his family, but not so much yours. If you both saw her more, that would be different. Anyways, my point is, I know a lot of step parents, think they have to be "tough" or "strict" on their new step kids. But please dont. Unless you want them to hate you. I dont mean be completely laid back and let them do anything. But I know what really caused friction between my step mom and I, was that she told me what to do, and that in her house it was different. She made me feel super uncomfortable.
She had rules, and in my opinion, you cant expect me to change all my rules that I live by, that my real mom tells me, just for her. You dont have 100% authority of the step child. I'm sure you know that, but use love, and care about her, it just takes time.
I do know what I'm talking about too,
because my dad remarried 3 times now.
Its not great, and just remember,
no matter how you treat your step daughter,
its really up to her, if she wants to accept you,
the more you push the worse it will be,
I'm not saying that you are giong to push her.
But .. its up to the kid, you know?
Good luck,
I wish you all the best,
because I was in this situation
but me being the step kid,
and I know how hard it can/is be.
(Rating: 5) thank you! it's really really helpful to get perspective from someone who knows what they're talking about!