Q: My best friend's dad did something that really offended me, and we've normally gotten along really well. I wrote him a letter to try to express my feelings. Should i send it? or let it go? If yes, can you suggest any changes?
Here it is:
Mr. ****,
I feel the need to express my feelings over the incident yesterday. I value my friendship with Sascha very much, and the relationship I have with her parents is obviously a big part of that. Frankly, the way you communicated your displeasure over me failing to call you back really offended me.
I have done my best over the course of Sascha’s and my friendship to maintain a good relationship with you and Mrs. ****, and I feel that I have done a pretty good job of doing so. For example, when Sascha sprinted out of your house the first time and ran up and down the bike path, she had called me. I talked her to her, made sure she was okay, and let her vent a little to get her emotions out and allow her to begin calming down. Immediately after that, knowing how worried you and Mrs. **** must be, I called your home, and spoke with Mrs. ****. I let her know where Sascha was, that she was okay, and that she planned on coming home soon. Another time, even though many teenagers would feel very intimidated talking to an adult myself included, I put aside my fear and came to you asking if there was anything you thought I could do to help Sascha through the difficult point she came to in her life. I wanted your take on the situation, so I could help Sascha without doing anything that would either offend you or cause you be reluctant to trust me with your daughter. I definitely do not take this trust for granted. When you trusted me to take Sascha to a party whose host you had never met or talked to, everything I said about the persons attending the party and how the party would run checked out when you came to pick her up. It was very safe and fun. I believe that these cases and many more throughout the course of our friendship have really shown that I have taken special care to maintain a good relationship with both you and Mrs. ****, and that I really do have your daughter’s best interest at heart.
When Sascha ran to me again a little less than a week ago, I handled the situation in the best manner that I could. You have to realize that I was in a very tricky situation—do I go against my best friend and call her parents or do I support her and give her a way to let out all of her emotions? Most teenagers would have chosen their friend, and completely disregarded the parents completely. Though I did choose to console Sascha, I did not disregard the fact that you and Mrs. **** would be very worried about her. Calling you right away would have seemed like betrayal in Sascha’s eyes, so I did what I felt was the next best thing. I called my mom, let her know that Sascha would be over, and that she needed to vent for a while. If you or Mrs. **** needed to know where she was, I believed that you would eventually call my mother, which you did, and then find out what you needed to know. Yes, I could have asked my mom to tell you where Sascha was, but just as before, this would seem like betrayal. I did not answer when either of you called because Sascha asked me not to specifically for the same reasons. I was planning on calling both you back as soon as Sascha had calmed down. However, my mom informed me that Mrs. **** had called her and that she had let her know exactly where Sascha was. The reason I had been planning to call before was to assuage your worry, and as that had already been done, I did not see any reason to call back as it might cause Sascha to feel that I was not “on her side,” if even just a little bit. She needed support, and I gave it to her.
Though I did not call in the heat of the situation, I knew it would be important to talk to either you or Mrs. **** about the circumstance so that I could explain my actions and clear the air of any misconceptions. I did this the morning after, thinking that it would give everyone a chance to cool down. I talked to Mrs. ****, brought up what had happened, apologized for not picking up the phone, and explained my reasons for doing so. She seemed to understand completely and explained that I should not feel like I need to put myself in those uncomfortable situations. Then we both hung up the phone. In my mind, the whole fiasco had been resolved, and I had felt good as I had handled it in the best way I knew how. To me marriage is a complete partnership. If I talk to one member, they will share it with the other. If the other member still needs clarification or something of that nature, I feel that they will take it upon themselves to speak to me about it.
Because it has been clear that I really do do my best in every single situation I have been put in throughout Sascha’s and my friendship, I feel extremely offended in the way you expressed your feelings. You made it seem as though me not calling you back was a serious conscious error on my behalf, when obviously my past actions show that I do everything in my power to not disappoint either you or Mrs. ****. You made an extremely big deal of a mistake I wasn’t even aware I made, and completely demeaned my very very hard efforts to make this ordeal end on a good note. As opposed to calling me right away and letting me know that although in most cases calling one member in a marriage would be fine, you would like to be called back as well, you let me sit for a couple of days thinking everything had worked out and then decided to shell shock me. I feel this was completely uncalled for. For one, I am just a kid. I’m still learning the right way to do everything. I understand making such a big deal out of something if I had made the same error before. However, this was my first offense. Presenting it nicely would have been more than enough. As I’ve said before, I have a good track record, and I feel that with that I deserve to be treated with respect.
I’m extremely sorry if anything I’ve said in this letter insulted or offended you in any way. It was not meant to do so. I only wanted to express my feelings so that our whole families could maintain the good relations we have kept in the past.
Sincerely,
*******
