I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 172838
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Right, I have slept with about 9 girls, and never had any complaints or problems, most of them were one offs or short term relationships, at the moment i'm with a girl who I want a long term relationship with and I love her so much, we are both 17 and she is a virgin, we have been together 2 months and she was ready to have sex, I get an erection all the time with her and she has tossed me off and ive licked her out, but when we go to have sex, ill put the condom on and itll take a few seconds to lose my erection, i just cant keep it up even if she rubs it, it wont get hard enough to go in. Please help me I dont know what to do and its really embarrassing.
Thanks (link)
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Well, there are a few sources of pressure for you. One is that you're not used to having sex within long-term relationships. This could mean that part of you is wondering how this will affect the relationship - either positively or negatively.
The fact that your girlfriend is a virgin might also be causing some pressure. After all, there is a lot more significance in taking the virginity of a girl you want to be with for awhile compared with a one night stand.
These sorts of stresses can affect a guy's ability to get or maintain an erection. Other things that could influence are a change in medication, alcohol, being very tired, etc. If you've used condoms before and have not had a problem, they are unlikely to be the issue.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about the situation? Maybe airing out some of your hopes and expectations could get you both on the same page, and make things a little more relaxed for the both of you.
I wish you the best.
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what if she disowns me? (link)
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I suppose there are two ways to look at this: what you think about you, and what other people think about you.
It's always sad to lose the affection of another person, but what happens if we hide who we are in order to keep them happy? What happens to how we feel about ourself?
I suppose you need to figure out where your priorities lie, and what risks you are willing to take. There is a chance your cousin won't be understanding. You can't control her response, but you CAN control how you approach the situation. You can decide if you will talk about it, how you will talk about it (letter, face to face, msn), and what you want to say about it. You can also let her know that you're nervous about telling her because you love her so much and don't want to lose her, but also that you choose to tell her because you value her...and yourself.
Or you wait awhile and just give yourself some time and space to figure out what's best for you. This is a hard situation, and I wish I could offer you something more solid.
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Ok, I think i might be bi. i am 14/f and i know i like guys, but i think i kind of have a crush on my best freind. I have had some dreams about making out with girls, and stuff, and i kind of like it. But i havent ever kissed a girl (but i wanna try it) But i know most of you will say because of my age im just curious, well if thats the truth, then the curiousness is getting worse! And also im used to seeing gay/lesbian couples, because my aunts are lesbians. So im around that alot, and that might be affecting the way i think, I am a big supporter of gay rightts becuase of them, and well im just not sure if i am bi or not. So, im just confused, and at the moment im also confused because im in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend, because i've lost the spark of us being together (after a year and 8 months)
SO anyways, what do you think? (link)
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Whatever your sexuality, you deserve to be with someone you really care for and who cares for you. Keeping an open mind and heart might help you sort out your feelings/thoughts about whether you are bi or not.
Chances are, we're all born with a certain sexuality. The thing is, it can take awhile to figure out what that is! You're at exactly the right age to be questioning things, as you'll be going through puberty, becoming more attracted to people than you could be when you were younger, and having hormones race around. If you are bi, then you're actually pretty lucky to have figured this out now rather than years later.
Have the courage to trust in yourself, and to believe you'll know the right thing to do at the right time. I wish you the best!
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I didn't tell my cousin anything about my sexuality so i don't know how my cousin knew i was sleeping with other girls until the other day when she told me she knew about my lifestyle but she wouldn't tell me how she knew she said the only thing that matters is that she did know and not how she found out but she asked me if i was confused about my orienation but iam to scared to tell her the truth i don't know if she knows the whole truth like me being bisexual so i don't want to tell her and then her be threw with me becouse me and my cousin are really close i tell her everything and she seems to understand but i don't know if she'll understand my orientation or not i just don't want my cousin to stop talking to me if i do tell her becuse i don't know if i'll be able to survive it what should i do? (link)
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If your cousin did not want to talk about this, she would not have brought it up. It might be worth considering how she feels - you say you are very close and tell her everything, but she had to hear about this really big thing from someone else.
Being out can always be a complicated or scary thing. It's up to you to decide if you want to let people know you are bisexual - there are pros and cons in doing so. But if you feel your relationship with your cousin is really strong, she might surprise you by offering you a lot of support.
She may need some educating - after all, she is asking if you are confused rather than assuming you know your own mind. Still, this is quite common and if you both are open and honest, I would hope the situation could be resolved.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the absolute best.
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Hello.
The irony I'm seeking advice when I'm generally the one who gives it. I know this question may seem foolish but I really am confused.
I've been in this relationship with a guy for about two months, recently he did something that made me really angry. I spoke to him about that and he wasn't really willing to solve the problem or compromise rather. The thing is ever since then I have been second guessing the relationship. I also find I don't feel the same around him like I used.
I mean sometimes I don't even feel like seeing him. I just don't know if i'm going through a rough patch because of the fight we had about what he did to make me angry or if I really just don't want to be in the relationship anymore?
I can't picture him in my world if that makes sense I don't know how I am in his. We are completely different and that used to work so well but now I think it may become a problem.I'm also worried being in this relationship may distract me and I have too much going on to be distracted.
I don't know whether I should end this relationship or not or I should keep on working at it? Please help.
:)Sorry its long. (link)
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I can tell you've spent a lot of time thinking about this situation, and I feel for you. You're not in an easy position.
But sometimes with relationships, thinking can be overrated. Sometimes there is a deep gut feeling about what is right or wrong, and then the head overrides it. For example, someone might know on a very deep level (emotionally) that a particular relationship is not right for them, for whatever reason.
But their head comes in and makes up all sorts of good reasons not to get out - maybe I'm making a mistake, maybe this is somehow my fault, maybe this could be THE relationship and I'm giving up too soon. While thinking is a great thing, and hugely valueable, it can also add a lot of confusion to a problem you already know the answer to.
Two months in, a relationship is still fairly new. It's not really the time for huge problems to be happening - if they are happening this early, what could you imagine the future to be like? I apologise if that seems like I'm leading you in one direction over the other, but your question pointed out reason after reason that you don't want to be in this relationship. You haven't really offered any reasons why it's worth sticking to it.
Perhaps take some time to slowly reread what you've written. Experience how it makes you feel, and then listen to your gut instinct. Hunches are not based on nothing, they come from many sources of information - and are usually worth seriously contemplating.
I wish you the best.
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i have been referred to a gynecologist as i have polytheistic ovaries, what do they do? (link)
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Polycystic ovary syndrome (also known as PCOS) is a medical condition that affects your ovaries. Your ovaries might be larger than normal, as well as having a high number of follicles. There are various implications this might have for your body, including irregular periods, being overweight, or extra body hair. There may also be a chance fertility can be affected.
Current thinking is that PCOS tends to run in families.
Your doctor will be able to give you much more detailed information, and probably in a much clearer way than I can! He or she will also be able to tell you about various treatments, as well as give advice on what you can do to help keep things under control (like maintaining a healthy weight).
Make sure you ask your doctor any questions that pop into your head, as well as coming prepared with any questions you've already got. It's important you understand what is going on in your body, and your doctor really will be the expert who can offer advice, guidance, and support.
I wish you the best.
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Without a sex toy etc, I can't really masturbate properly. Please give me an effective and easy way of masturbating by myself. (link)
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Masturbation is really an intensely private thing - and just like sex, everyone enjoys different things. No two bodies are the same, and therefore it's up to you to do the pleasureable work of figuring out what works for you!
It's best to do this when you are already in the mood and have some privacy. Then just take the time to get to know your body and see what feels good. Remember that sexy feelings aren't necessarily just confined to the genital area. Trust your feelings and experiment, and I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine.
I wish you the best.
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I am a 13 year old boy from NYC. I am in fear that my penis is too small. What is the average size for a penis at my age (I am 5 inches) (link)
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When men/boys look down at their penis, they are seeing it from a different angle than if someone else were looking at it. This means that they often feel their penis looks shorter than it actually is.
The body is also pretty amazing in that the shorter a penis is when limp, the more it grows when it is erect! So two guys with very different sized penises when limp might actually be the same size when erect.
There are a bunch of places with varying information, but all agree that at thirteen you probably have not reached the size your penis will eventually be. The average size for a fully grown man's erect penis is 5-6 inches (taken from a few scientific research studies). This means that your penis is actually a good deal larger than could be expected at your age.
This doesn't mean you'll grow up to have hugely endowed; it could mean that as your penis is this size now, you may not grow as much in later years. Or, of course, you could. Your body is hugely unique, and the sooner you appreciate what it has to offer, the happier you'll be.
I wish you the best.
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I'm currently starting college in September so i'm picking my As levels. I would like to become an Advice Columnist so i'm not sure what subjects to do. Was thinking Psycholgy, English Lang, Media Studies and Photography?
Thanks alot.
Hollie-jo (link)
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Well, this depends. Do you want to be an advice columnist as your living? If so, you'll probably want to study journalism at university.
The subjects you've picked sound like they relate to the work, but you will also want to do a little research. If you know what university you might like to go to, you can either ring them or look at their website to see the sorts of A Levels they recommend you having to enter their journalism programme.
It might also be worth speaking to a qualified careers advisor, as they will be able to give you the most relevant and up-to-date information.
Best of luck!
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I'm 14 and my boyfriend and I were getting close. He stuck his hand on his penis because it was hard, then wiped his hands off. I felt them, and they were dry, then he fingered me. Can you get pregnant that way? And should he have washed his hands? (link)
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The chances of pregnancy are small, but still - any chance is a chance.
Anytime either of you touches his penis with your hands, particularly if you touch his ejaculate/cum, you should wash your hands. This is to not only make sure any semen is washed off, but it's important for hygiene, too. Clean fingers are much more vagina-friendly than those that may be dirty.
I wish you the best.
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Technically I'm not a vegetarian, but beginning a few months ago, I stopped eating red meat. I eat chicken sometimes, but since I don't eat red meat I'm probably not getting enough iron. Plus, I don't know if this is the case with me, but my sisters have low-iron anemia.
I started eating a little bit of red meat last week.
The problem is, I haven't gotten my period yet, so I'm wondering if this change in diet is the cause of this. Or maybe because I stopped exercising around the same time I stopped eating red meat?
If any of you are vegetarians, vegan, or don't eat meat, has this happened to you too? or if you've tried this and it affected your period?
Please don't tell me to take a pregnancy test, I just want to know if this is a reason or not. Thanks in advance! (link)
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Being a veggie (or almost one!) shouldn't make you stop having your period. Many people who are vegetarian don't realise how to eat properly - it's not as simple as cutting out meat, but also making sure to include foods that will fit your nutritional needs.
Being abnormally thin or exercising too much can affect your period, even causing it to stop. You have stopped exercising, so unless you've had a dramatic weight loss it is unlikely to be the cause of your missing periods.
The best person to talk to about this is your doctor, for a couple of reasons. First, s/he can explain reasons you might be missing your period, and do tests to make sure everything is okay. They can also advise you of any treatment you need. Your doctor should also be able to give you basic nutritional advice, perhaps referring you to a specialist if you are interested in seeing one.
Your diet, if it is healthy, should not make your period stop. If it could be due to pregnancy, you'll want to get that sorted. If you are not having sex or know you aren't pregnant, make that doctor's appointment.
(I say this under the assumption that you have been missing your period for a couple of months or longer. If it is only a few days late, there are MANY reasons that could impact on your ovulation date, and therefore make your cycle a bit longer than usual.)
I wish you the best.
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We know a couple with three children, 1 girl around 5 and 3 and 1 year old boys. Recently we have found out the children have been put under a child protection act. The dad picked the little girl up and dunked her head in the toilet, the little girl told her teacher and she contacted soical servecis etc. I found what he did uttely appaling and am wondering why the children were not put in care. please help me understand
thank you x (link)
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Children are very rarely taken into care before other measures are taken to try to help the family cope. The emphasis is trying to keep families together, which comes along with all sorts of support.
A child protection act means the family will receive regular visits from Social Services - these are to help the parents learn new parenting strategies, as well as checking that the children are okay. There are varying levels of support available.
In reality, there are many many worse cases of abuse out there. I am not in any way excusing what this father has done, only saying that children at much higher levels of risk are more likely to be taken out and put in care.
It's also important to remember that, in theory, everything happening with this family is confidential. This means that whatever information you have may be incomplete or not quite the whole truth. The only ones who really understand what is happening is the family itself, and hopefully they will work with Social Services to improve their children's health and well being.
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Okay so im 20 yrs old. Im bisexual and i have a girlfriend that ive been with for a year and a half now. I love her to death. she is a great person. when were good were great and im very happy. but when we fight its absolutely horrible. weve gotten in physical fights before where ive walked away with a black eye and fat lip. (shes alot bigger than I am). it hasnt been physical lately but some of the things she says are just horrible. for example, my mom is an alcoholic and when we fight shell call me an alcoholic (when i dont drink often and she drinks just as often as i do). shell tell me ill be alone the rest of my life. she calls me a hick and a redneck (which im not.. no offense to those who are) just bc shes from nyc and shes hispanic and im from pa and im white. shes lived in pa for the past 10 yrs tho. when i tell her these things upset me she says that just how she is and to get over it. sometimes i just dont know if i can take another day with her. and we live together which makes it harder. dont get me wrong i love her to death. i would do anything for her. but i just feel almost like i have nothing left to give. i work and she doesnt so i pay for EVERYTHINGGGG. and its like she appreciates nothing. sometimes i dont have the money to do the things she wants and she gets mad at me then. i just dont know. i dont kno what to do. like i said when we were good its amazing and i feel like i could absolutely spend the rest of my life with her. but when we fight i feel like im killing myself on the inside. Is she right?? Are all relationships like this and i just need to get over it?? I get so lost. Please give me your opinion. Thanks soo much (link)
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Some relationships are like this, but they are not healthy, strong relationships. Most people would agree that what they want from a relationship is love, mutual respect and understanding, support, honesty, and on and on. How many of these are you getting?
Your relationship sounds like it has very high highs and very low lows - something a little more stable would spend a lot more time in the middle area, instead of dipping up and down.
Many abusive relationships feature exactly what you are talking about - periods of intense love and happiness, followed by physical or verbal abuse. In reality, these types of relationships are very unstable - though they can last for a long time because it can be hard for the person always getting hurt to leave.
You need to take a good long look at yourself and your relationship. A relationship sometimes is only as strong as its weakest moments - and feeling like you are dying inside is NOT a feature of a good relationship that will help you grow as a person.
It is possible to find a partner who is on the level with you, who does not insult you, and who treats you with respect - but only if you make the choice that you are deserving of that respect.
I wish you the best.
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this was kinda embaressing,
so i just finished shaving my pussy,
and i was looking up something on my computer about how to stop razor burn or something,
and my mom walked in stood there, and read the screen, and there was big bold letters saying,
"IS IT BAD TO SHAVE YOUR VAGINA"
and i was like, lovely.
and she was like, your webcam better not be on,
and i told her it wasnt( i was telling the truth )
do you think she'll mention anything about it? (link)
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Your mom is probably just as embarassed as you. I have no way of being able to predict whether she'll bring it up or not - but if she does, I'd almost bet it would be as agonizing for her as for you!
She may be concerned that you are 'up to no good' on the internet - as many adults who did not grow up with the internet are. You can always make the first move and let her know you were just looking up some information about your body and how to take care of it.
Either way, you've not done anything wrong - though I would always advise researching something BEFORE you do it, as it may give you helpful tips. I wish you, your razor burn, and your mother the very best.
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F/15
okay so recently i kinda feel like Im a total lesbian and i mean believe me i have nothing wrong with LGBTs at ALL. But I think the main problem for me is like the future. I mean i guess i can give up on the fantasy of me marring an amazing guy and having kids.
I keep telling myself it doesnt matter and i have time to figure it out but id just like to know you know?
help?
Oh and if you are just gonna be rude about homosexuality please dont even respond (link)
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If you're a lesbian, you're a lesbian. The wonderful thing about sexuality is how fluid it can be. This means you could be lesbian, bisexual, or straight - and you're allowed to develop your ideas further the better you get to know yourself.
I think many lesbians have a fairly good idea they're gay from about puberty time, though some women don't realise it until their 20s, 30s, or beyond.
If you are gay, you lose the fantasy of the perfect guy. On the flip side, you GAIN the fantasy of finding the perfect girl!
You can still have children, get married (at least with a non-legal ceremony, depending on where you live), buy a house - in short, live a completely normal life.
I understand it can be hard; you'd like definite answers, but the only person who actually has those answers is you. Breathe, relax, and just decide to accept yourself for who you are. Time manages to sort out a lot of problems, and five years from now you'll probably have a much clearer understanding of yourself than you do now.
I wish you the best.
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ok, ive done everything to my boyfriend already but he hasnt fingered me or anything..im completely 100% ready im not nervous at all but my vagina aaalllwaaayyss has a certain smell to it like i clean my self good down there how do i like wash it good enough to smell good all day/night? sorry i know its gross but i dont know who else to ask (link)
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For your vagina to be as healthy as it can be, you should only wash it ONCE a day. Using non-scented soap (like baby soap) is the least likely to irritate it.
If you wash your vagina too much, you can actually make it smell worse. There's a long discussion we could have about bacteria, but you can google it if you're interested in the mechanics of the thing.
So, you've washed your once-a-day. Other things to help include well fitting underwear in a breatheable fabric (like cotton). Diet can also impact on your flavour/smell, but if you don't suddenly want to change the way you eat, you can't do anything about that. Vaginas are like anywhere else on your body - as the day goes on and you get further from that morning shower, things won't smell like they were just washed.
But you know what? It's okay. Vaginas have a lot going on - discharge, lots of folds of skin, etc. No woman on earth has a vagina that smells like, well, nothing. You are perfectly normal and okay the way you are.
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help!!!!!
i can't help it! but i am in lov with my prof! he is so smart and witty and he is very warm and kind hearted...... i know many think its wrong but my college doesn't prohibit teacher/student relationships if the student is over the minor age -which i am... WAYYYY past- and if he doesn't teach me (and i just finished my finals!! :D YAYYY)..........
i really really really really really really want to do this... i just don't know how to hint it out... and i know i have to be persistent because professors are more likely to brush off any passes they get for the sake of peace of mind and due to habit... soooo how do i make him feel i am worth it.... class is over now so there is no homework or anything i could take to his office... plus i did that just to make sure that i am in his radar.... i am honestly even considering doing my masters and finding a way to get him to be my supervisor if all else fails.... I DON'T want to wait till i graduate because i am just as good as that (i have one credit to go but am taking 4 extra courses for another degree -i have 3 majorsand a minor!.
i was thinking of writing a thank you email explaining how i liked the course and enjoyed it fully and how i knew i could do better (my parents had problems all through and i had to go to the hospital for some serious health concerns -he knows) and that i hope to see him in future classes....???
this sounds to cheesy i think... what should i do!
(link)
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Liking your professor isn't necessarily the same thing as liking a guy. Here's why: your professor is there to do a job. If he is professional, he'll have an okay attitude, teach you some stuff, etc. None of his students will know anything deeply personal about him, see him when he's in a terrible mood, or know that he is loving/possessive/ignoring in a relationship.
It's like having a crush on a famous film star, except it gives people more hope because they've got face-to-face contact.
Essentially, it's also about ages and stages. Professors at university level normally have a BA and an MA/PhD. Someone with this level of education is bound to be a bit older, and that might mean you guys have less in common. Assuming, of course, that you've got things in common in the first place!
If you are serious about wanting to pursue him, and the university definitely has a policy that it's okay for teachers to date students (which would astound me, really), then you'll need to approach this the way you would any possible date/relationship. Be an adult and ask him out.
I would think it would be highly unlikely a teacher would ever make the first move, particularly if he values his job. While dating students might be permissible, I'm willing to bet it's not encouraged.
I wouldn't take it too personally if nothing happens, as he probably has gotten pretty good at avoiding this sort of thing - particularly if all the women swoon over him. I don't mean to be a downer; I just think things are probably stacked against you.
Whatever happens, I wish you happiness!
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okay so the last time i had sex was in february. Its now coming to the end of april. Ive missed my period since january or february won or the other dont remember but i think it was february. I havent had it since. Could i be preganent or is it the stressn about it thats making me miss my periods =/ has ne one else been through this? (link)
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If you had sex in February and possibly haven't had a period since, there is a fair chance you could be pregnant. You can buy an accurate, affordable home pregnancy test at any chemist - or possibly get tested for free at a local sexual health clinic.
It is better to find out sooner rather than later. The ealier in your pregnancy you are, the more options you have. If you decide to end the pregnancy, it will be easier on your body to do it sooner rather than later. If you decide to keep the baby, you will need to see a doctor to get detailed medical advice about how to have a healthy pregnancy.
The other option is that your cycles have gone a bit wacky for some reason. The easiest thing to do is rule out pregnancy, and then go see your doctor. Don't put off testing for this, no matter how scary it may seem.
I wish you the best.
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do u have to use lube when giving a handjob?
if so,what should i use?
but is there anyway to do it without it? (link)
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Using lube is like putting icing on cake - it's not strictly needed, but it sure can make things a lot nicer.
It depends on the guy receiving the handjob. Guys who are uncircumsised might not need lube, as they have some extra skin.
Those who are circumcised may or may not like lube when getting touched by a partner. You can buy lube quite cheaply (water-based is best if condoms are likely to be involved at any point) from any pharmacy, or get it free at sexual health clinics. Your partner might also have stuff he likes to use - like lotion, etc.
Ask him what he likes, and I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you.
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I want to start my own column. I know this site helps, but like a lot of people can give advice, like i want it to be like a ask erin column. you know? how can i do this? btw i'm 13/f if that helpss (link)
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This site is a great way to practice your advice-giving skills.
On many questions, they are posted to the public and anyone can answer. However, your individual answer would appear in your 'ask Erin' column.
If the advice you give is good enough, you'll find that people will soon begin to ask you private questions - meaning that you are the only person they are asking for advice.
If you are REALLY good, you might find that you are asked more questions than you have time to answer.
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