Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
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I'm currently having a mental and emotional battle with myself because i'm having a hard time in figuring out what I want out of life and i'm too scared to go out and find the answer myself.
I keep living my life in fear and doubt that i'll never get anywhere and achieve my goals but I just don't have the confidence in myself to actually go out and look for what I need and it just gets on my nerves. (link)
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Isn't this one of the most (the most?) fundamental questions of human existence? How am I to best use the time and the life I have? And it's easy to look at our fellow humans and believe that you are the only one feeling like this. They have all cracked the secret code to self-worth, satisfaction and achievement. Apart from the ones who don't seem to care and happy to settle for any old crap! Each one of them is probably looking at you and thinking YOU are one of the fortunate masses! It's a totally personal and entirley subjective battle you are fighting. It's also much too big an issue to have a quick and easy answer. There's no one-stop fix. We find the confidence to move forward from the results of positive choices we make. The self-confidence builds on itself. Decisions which have less positive results knock that confidence back a little, naturally. We seek to overcome the setbacks, and think about what positives we can take from a basically negative experience. And move on. It's a step-by-step process. Gathering intelligence and information, evaluating this information and thus making evaluative decisions. Will you make mistakes? Will you sometimes invest time and effort on projects and objectives which prove unproductive and disappointing? Damn right you will, we all do! Will there be times when you seem to have the midas touch, and things just come off exactly as you planned? Yeah, you'll have those too. Set those goals. Put those aims and objectives in a line. Get a plan. Not a wish-list, a mission statement. Once you've got a plan you're a force to be reckonned with. Without one you'll drift like a boat with no rudder to steer it. Can't recall the actual wording right now but TS Elliot summed it up nicely. In effect he said that anyone who ever tries anything will fail sometimes, but that does not matter. Try again, maybe fail again, but each time fail a little bit better! I mean, anyone who has no doubts and insecurites and isn't making some mistakes isn't making ANYTHING. Courage my friend, and start now!
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Hi so i am a 17 year old female and i am dating a male the same age. We have been dating for about 7 months now and we were both kind of scared to make the first move so the first time we kissed was prom night before we went out to eat. So it was graduation day and at our school juniors show up to support the seniors (the place they hold the ceremony is right by the school so everyone shows up to school and seniors ride over first and then juniors and then we come back blah blah blah)and there is a little ritual going on, anyways that day came and me and my boyfriend were both there and were in the same class and i was just sitting on the table and he was sitting in the chair across from me and at first that was all it was i was just sitting across from him then he kind of leaned in and grabbed my ass and pulled me in towards him so we were sitting closer and had kind of burrowed his head in my chest - i had on a low v-neck romper and a big fluffy jacket because i was cold - so he had his head on my chest and put his hand behind the jacket like out of peoples view and was rubbing my back and my ass , mind you we had just had our first kiss like a week ago, so anyways the teachers had left to take care of stuff and half of the class migrated out so it was just us and then some of my friends and some of his friends. So we were cuddling as we were before and i leaned in and kissed him and we kissed like a couple of times and i was happy because after 7 months i was ready and wanted to get things moving along like i am still a teenager. So we were cuddling and at some points kissing, but after i kissed him one of those times he started kissing my chest area, the area in between my breasts. now remember i had on a big fluffy jacket so he was somewhat hidden and i was getting turned on but we were still at school so i kinda backed up and we went back to playing a card game but i could clearly see he was turned on and so was i so we went to the classroom next door which was open and no one was in there and we started kissing and what not (which we adapted to pretty quickly surprisingly) so we were kissing and he was grabbing my butt and i had my hand on his head and of course the sexual tension was building but we were still at school so we both kind of broke off and it was time to leave for the graduation. by the time everything was over it was like 9:15 and we had gotten invited to a graduation party which i decided not to go to because there was going to be heavy drinking and i don't drink so me and my boyfriend decided to go to his house and watch a movie. so we got there and started off watching a movie but half way through it turned to me on top of him, he was kind of dry humping me, we were kissing and things were getting very heated, but then his older sister came home so we stopped and went upstairs and things started again but no clothes came off he was thrusting but it was never any penetration and he came just in his pants.. i don't really know what i am asking or how to ask it i don't know like what next, i want to wait to have penetrating sex until marriage but our relationship is getting pretty serious i have known him since 8th grade and we have had little crushes on eachother but this time it turned ready, i am open to oral sex. i dont know what i am really asking i guess what are some things we can do to relieve sexual tension between us, why do you think it was such a quick switch between us first kissing to like all of this, anything like that. he is supposed to come with my friends boyfriend over to my friends house who i am staying with this week and they're also in a similar place but they've been dating for like a year and aren't having sex but have done stuff, so there will be a lot of sexual tension, do you think it would be a good idea to even have them over if they do come over should we all stay together...ughhh i am so sorry this is messy and i don't completely know what i'm asking i am just confused and ready. (link)
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Hi there! It's OK, there doesn't have to be a direct question with a direct answer. Life's rarely that black and white is it mate? Just writing stuff down, expressing your thoughts is good. Kind of like a conversation, right? Lots of thoughts going round your head, so just let them tumble out and see what happens, eh? OK, so you've known him a long time. Long enough to get a good idea about what makes hime tick. And the relationship has grown over the last half a year or so into something more. You can't say he's been rushing or pressuring you. Only after 'one thing' as they say. In fact he sounds like good news, and there must be lots of girls who would like to able to say stuff like this about their boyfriends, and have so many positives. Even little things, like choosing to be together instead of going out drinking and partying with friends, and so on are a good sign. It's absolutely natural that you feel a strong sexual tension here. In fact there would be something wrong if you did not feel physically drawn to each other, and want to express it. You appear not to want to rush into having full sex, and he also appears not be putting pressure on you to do it. That's another very good sign indeed. Kissing, caressing, touching intimately and so on are a great way to reinforce the bond between you. Moving on, stmulating each other up to and including climax should be very enjoyable and a very positive way of affirming the bond. And they don't entail the risks and pressures of full sex of course. That's something you would like to put on-hold for a while, and certainly unprepared sex must have a high risk of resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. That's just not on your agenda! You feel comfortable and happy about making him come? Obviously, you can do this using your hands, and mouth. I'm sure he'll find that very enjoyable. And allowing him to stimulate you in the same way is something perfectly natural and acceptable. You should be getting pleasure yourself and he should enjoy pleasing you. So, emotions can run high and how do you keep this from overflowing into full sex? Which in more reflective and less heated moments you don't want to happen yet. It can be difficult! Really it's about agreeing limits. Try to overcome any shyness about talking to him about such things. It's your relationship. A frank discussion is in order. Outline what and how much you feel happy about the relationship entailing at the moment. If the guy loves you he should respect your wishes and expectations. Even when things get heated. It's impossible to say for sure, I don't know him, but he sounds from your description like a man thinking about the long game with you? Laugh a lot, love a lot and have
fun, but stay true to your values. That is keeping your self-respect and dignity and a long-term relationship has to have these things in full measure. When the time is right to go further still, you will know it. I hope this is of some help to you? The essence of the question seems to be, how do you know when it's time to trust a guy and give so much of your self to him? Has he earned that yet? Does he deserve that much trust? We only answer these questions by spending time together, taking things in a steady, natural order. Building a knowledge of each other. Forming a bond. And that seems to be what you are doing already. The odd shake and wobble, asking questions of yourself, looking for assurance and reassurance and so on? They're all part of the journey. My best wishes to you.
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21/male from Nigeria... since I was 10 years old i have a problem with my eyes they are constantly sensitive to light or anything bright.it just happened suddenly it's not like I hurt my eyes or anything.... I have gone see an eye doctor and he says it is caused by a refraction and he prescribed transition glasses.. I got the glasses but it did not help at all so I just stopped using it. Am embarrassed to say this but I have not always practiced good oral hygiene,I brush my teeth once a day but not with the right technique because I had tatar and my gums would bleed when I brush.... so three years ago I discovered that four of my front up teeth and four of my down front teeth are loose/shaking so I went to a general hospital to see a dentist and did teeth cleaning (scaling and polish) and the dentist assured me that as long as I practice good oral hygiene my teeth will be healed and strong again.... I have been doing everything the dentist told me to do but my teeth is just getting worse, I go for regular cleaning every six months... But there seems to be no change..... Three months ago I went to a dental clinic for consultation after a couple of tests the dentist told me I have chronic periodontitis that the bone surrounding the affected teeth are being destroyed,he said that I have to do a root canal surgery....All this years I have been really depressed and I have a low self esteem ....am suppose to enter school this year but I can't because I want to use my tuition money for my treatment....I have problem with my eyes and now this! a lot of thoughts have floods in and out of head... . (Thoughts like all of this is my fault, what if I lose those teeth, what if I do the surgery and it fails, should I just end my life?I don't want to die, but if I end up losing those teeth I might not be able to bear the embarrassments the shame, I will literally become an outcast) at times I just sit in my room and cry. (link)
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This is quite a tricky one. Any condition or accident which leaves our bodies, and particularly our faces, in some way 'different' from the accepted normal is going to have a huge psychological impact on the vast majority of people. It sounds like the treatment is a medical necessity for your long-term health, is this correct? If so then I'm afraid you will have to put off your further education until funds permit. You only have one body, and it has to last a long time mate! Is there any cosmetic dentistry available? Modern cosmetic dentistry is a big market, and extremely good. We can easily arrange a smile far better than we are born with! If the worse comes to the worse you have to aim at coming to terms with the fact that your teeth may not be as good as you might hope. It's really not case of anything to be embarrassed about or ashamed of if a condition leaves you looking a bit different to how you imagined. But this comment probably won't be much comfort or help to you right now, you dread the idea and it's making you very unhappy. It often needs a fair bit of counselling etc, just as accident victims who lose limbs for instance usually need help in this way too. Hopefully you'll find a physical solution which leaves you feeling OK about the way you look and the image you present to the world. Really, those people you know well will know all about your problem and they won't judge you, I promise. Friends don't notice, and it doesn't stop them being friends. I guess it's the nameless 'strangers' who you feel might judge or think harsh thoughts? Essentially, their opinion is not that important anyway mate. And they're usually so wrapped up in their own lives they usually don't much notice and certainly don't think about it much if they do. Best of luck with everything mate.
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I've been feeling really off about things that happened in my childhood. I'm trying to talk to my therapist about these things, but as an 18 year old who is basically supposed to be over it by now, I just want to understand if I'm invalidating myself or overreacting.
My dad was an alcoholic until I was 13. He drank a lot, and my parents fought a lot. I remember all the times I cried as a kid (younger than 8) because of the fighting. I remember it being bad, but never ever did he lay a hand on me.
My mom, especially when I was 12, turned cruel. She got angry at me for no reason over small things. I remember 3 times in one week when she would lower her voice and come up to me and say, "I'm not very happy with you right now." It would send chills down my spine. I actually remembered the time when she called me a b****. I was 12, and it stung. I cried. That wasn't the first time. She grounded me because I forgot a pair of gloves at school, and she once told me to eat s***. When she found out I started self harming, she mocked me and yelled at me all while threatening to send me away. She yelled, "What do you do-- cut yourself then go on twitter, upload pictures and say, "I won't stop cutting myself until you follow me?!" I remember that very clearly. She also used my religion against me. She made me SWEAR on the Bible like they do in court trials that I would never cut myself again or else the both of us would go to hell. She yelled at me and told me to do this and got angry when I would pause because I was crying so much. Instead of helping me, she pushed me away farther.
My mom never had a mom (or dad) around to show her how to actually be a mom. A good one, at least. I get that no parental figure can make it worse, but I don't think that what she said to my siblings when they were younger was good either. She would threaten and hit them.
I remember the times when she hit me, too. Not across the face. My sister and I were fighting and we kept calling my mom at work because of it, and my mom came home and hit the both of us because she was so mad. I was younger than 8.
I think I just answered my own question, but I'm still not sure. Doesn't abuse have to be constant? Was this even abuse?
Thanks. (link)
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This definitely qualifies as significant abuse and something you should aim at working through with a therapist. Such episodes in life can and do impact on us until we resolve them in our minds. They have the power to 'hold you back' as it were in many, and sometimes very subtle, ways until we have processed them properly. They can impact in many areas. Professional, in our relationships with others and so on. They will lower our self-esteem, and often you'll find you attract re-victimisation...without ever really knowing how or why. The key is acceptance. Not accepting that it was OK what happened. Or accepting any responsibility for the events. But accepting that it was something that happened to you, that is part of you, and subsequently deny it any power to influence your future plans, projects, ambitions or relationships. You are perfectly valid, perfectly justified in seeking to resolve the issues, thaw-out any frozen and pent-up feelings and move on. Free of it. You can do this. And you should.
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I'm feeling pressure on my studies and it affects me badly. I can't find person who can understands me. What am I gonna do? (link)
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I's impossible to get a measure of the severity and frequency of your feelings and their effects from the few lines of your question. Study and exams are indeed a high-pressure and stressful period for most of us. The candidate who sails to a first with a carefree demeanour and no signs of the pressures is indeed a rare bird. By 'badly' for instance, do you mean there are days and times when you simply cannot function? Or are you still getting the grades and moving forward? Are you feeding on the pressure, or is it feeding on you? First source of understanding and support should really be your fellow students. They're certainly feeling it too. They understand becasue they're walking the same mile. I'm not saying you should arrange full-on group therapy/counselling sessions with them. Hey, even if you get together and have a good old maon about the lecturers/coursework/deadlines, have a good old cuss and swear about it with each other, you're processing the stress. Dealing with it. Managing it. Our coping mechanisms are often ad hoc, taken where we find them. How about giving it a go? Look to your buddies. However calm and controlled they might look, scratch the surface and they'll be feeling what you're feeling. It's no walk in the park. But if you can soak up all the crap and still keep moving forward, you're winning in higher education mate!
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I'm a 13 year old girl and was wondering if it would be wrong to have sex with another guy my age.I really want to have sex and feel like I'm pretty ready. Wanted to know what anyone thought. (link)
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Hi there! I'm quite sure that you're mad curious about 'doing it' with a boyfriend, and that the urge is very strong sometimes. And that you've got 'all the kit' as you might say. Well, let's be honest. Some girls do start having sex at your age. They don't all get pregnant, as condoms are pretty easily available. Neither do they contract sexually transmitted infections. In fact, nothing bad happens at all most in many cases. However, if you ask those who did a few years down the line whether they ended up regretting it and actually wish they had waited then you'll find pretty much a 99% 'yes' to that question. Even at the time, it almost certain that it won't be as good as you were hoping. Why? because you've jumped the gun a bit. A cas of physically ready, but maybe not emotionally. And what about this young guy? Was he really emotionally and mentally mature enough for what you gave him? There's plenty of things you can enjoy with a guy, short of full sex, and I'm sure you don't need a list and descriptions. Don't rush so much mate. Have fun, but keep a few things back. You don't have to live your life all in one day!
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My 63 year old dad was recently diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer’s. My family dynamic is not exactly easy to mobilize to help with the long haul we’re in for. I don’t live in the same state & my sister (who does) hasn’t been much help (outside of directions ive tried to put in place from time-time).
Making matters worse is my dads 20 year girlfriend. They own a house together and are technically in a legal “domestic partnership”). She has never been very supportive in any matter, let alone something like this. She still works and travels almost half the month for business leaving him at home for 2-3 days at a clip. All the while interacting with every man on social media when out of town. If you saw her FB, you wouldn’t even know he she is with anyone. No pictures of them. No check-ins, likes. They’re barely friends.
They have never really been too in love...more like convenient partners after each of their first divorces. We’ve begged him to leave her several times (prior to the his health concerns) to no avail. Even when we see the frustration & depression sinking in through the years. He does not want to be alone (which i fully understand).
My sister has always said they’d take care of him, have him live with them if ever needed but he has always been a stubborn one & would never agree.
Neither my sister or my dad’s gf have helped with the doctors, appointments, paperwork...
My father is getting worse. Is on medication (when he remembers to take it) and conversations are slowly becoming harder and harder with everyone.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m the only one that can diffuse the situation & lead things on the right path. It’s pretty impossible for me to move back home & every time i start the ball rolling with everyone, it always gets dropped and nothing progresses. It pretty much digresses every time and i have to start all over. My dad has alienated his friends and family over the years. Mostly because of the girlfriend. She always finds a way to piss them off one-by-one until they eventually stopped coming around completely.
He is on disability (gets something each month to live), has an ok (not exceptional) amount of money in savings, retirement plans that he can use (but hasn’t drawn from).
The main problem is the girlfriend. If we forced her out, it would lead a path for destruction. First, my father would be devastated if she ever left. They own a house together. Believes that he is and has always been in love with her. I’ve tried talking to the girlfriend, leveling with her, but she plays doe-eyed deer every time. Promising to help & take the lead, but never does. I’ve asked if nothing else if she could make sure medication is being taken & i still have no confirmation ever. She wouldn’t even take a morning off of work to drive him to a doctors appt & is completely manipulative. To her and pretty much everyone.
By not helping at all, she’s endangering my father every day. I’m trying to stay positive as much as possible, but the appearance is that she’s content with things this way. Uses it to her advantage some times, manipulating him by claiming she said or done things that i know 100% are inaccurate. She’s always been like this. And now it’s frightening to think she could be using it to her advantage every waking minute of the day because he won’t be remember most of it anyhow.
Should i be taking any preliminary legal actions at the moment (he refuses to sign a will by the way) in order to prepare for a fall-out with the girlfriend?
Should i hire a private detective to watch the girlfriend in case there is a domestic partnership battle over anything?
Has anyone had an experience like this with a difficult loved one & a manipulative spouse/partner?
Any advice at all would be sincerely appreciated! Thank you. (link)
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You do have quite a tricky and involved situation here. It is a perfect example of why age and infirmity in our family and indeed ourselves, are so dauntig a prospect for all of us. Does his partner realise that this condition is not going to either get better, or go away? Could you sit down with her and discuss things? Point out that you and your family don't feel she is being anywhere near as supportive as she could and should be. Is she willing to take on the responsibility for his well-being, or is she not? You have an ace in your hnd in that if you feel that she isn't you could refer the whole thing to social services. They will not see anyone wilfully neglected. And have the power to have him taken into a care home. In which case her convenient life-style will abruptly end. And his savings and also any revenue raised by the sale of the property will be used to fund his care. I would certainly make this my first act. Try to carry it off with confidence, that it is no bluff and you can and will refer his case unless you see things improve. And watch how she reacts to the ultimatum. You're opening with your highest value sanction here, which is not always a great plan since if it fails you have to back down. So maybe sow a few seeds of doubt first, over a short-ish period. Mention whether you think he might be better with a fmily member? Or in professional care? Ask how she's coping and offer to help when you can? She'll get the idea that you ain't messing. And if she's manipulating him/the situation/both to her own ends as much as you believe she is, she'll get properly nervy and jumpy. I would hope she just hasn't grasped the full implications of this distressing condition and that with a bit of a push and a wake-up call she will take-on her responsibilies. You will at least be making her aware that the 'carrying on like before' option is simply NOT an option when the well-bing of your father is at stake. Best wishes.
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Hi :) im 18 and im in last year of high school..so every 3 months during the school year we have a "meeting" with our class teacher and everyone from the class(there is 28 of us in class) speaks with him for 10 minutes individually, the class teacher asks us how are we and how we are doing on other classes..and everytime he asks me how am i and i always say im fine...so on tuesday i have a 10min "meetin " with him (my class teacher)and i want to tell him that im not well , that im depressed(yes i really am)..i just feel so lonely, i have 2 close friends(Diana and Caroline) in class and i know they like me...but still no one texts me first, and i take long time until i get comfortable with someone, i also have social anxiety so im scared to talk to people(idk why but i do), im just scared of pepple, even after my friends told me they care about me i still feel lonely..and also i go to same class ,school with my twin brother, and they like him , even girls in my class like him more than me..he texts with almost everyone (girls, boys) and im invisible (nobody texts me, nobody cares about me :/)..i just want to tell it my class teacher(im not really close with my parents and i dont want them to know) bc i dont know what to do..im just so f*cking lonely but i try so hard to talk to people in my class , trying to be friends with them...i dont know what am i doing wrong ..whats wrong with me ? i just cant keep doing this anymore
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It would be a good idea to mention it and to arrange an appointment with a professional. Feeling 'down' and full of anxieties/doubts/etc is not always depression, or not clinical depression at least. We all have bad days/weeks or longer. A professional will usually have a list of questions for you, they have been carefully worked out so that they give him/her a more complete understanding. They will also rate the severity, and maybe most importantly, the frequency of any negative feelings they identify. It maybe that you will end up with a clinically diagnosed case of depression. If so, the professional can start helping you to tackle it. It's not a great place to be, sure. But you won't be alone by any means. You're actually nming quite a few specific reasons for being unhappy/lonely and somewhat alienated in your question. That may well suggest that we're looking at things you can, and will have to address. To basically prioritise, rationalise and 'get your life sorted' as you might say. In whch case the negative feelings will magically vanish one by one as you eliminate the causes. With no meds or time consuming therapy. It could be for instance that you are indeed 'doing some things wrong' or perhaps your expectations are somewhat too high? And the continual 'failing' and disappointments, as it were,are giving you feelings of depression. You also seem to be living in the shadow of your more popular and successful (in your eyes at least) twin brother. Again, this will leave you often feeling inadequate, and somewhat 'less' than him. That's not at all uncommon with siblings. And parents can reinforce it, often without realising they are doing it. In short, get it diagnosed by a pro so we can see exactly what we are up against. Being lonely and unhappy etc are not the same as clinical depression.
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If there is a world war 3, what would happen to the celebrities such as Demi Lovato? Would they be sent into a place to hide? Would they just be left like everyone else? Since they're in LA, are there chances of dying more likely? This is such a random question but I saw about the mass production of nuclear bombs now and was wonderig (link)
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During the 'cold war' years we all lived with the fact that all-out nuclear exchange with the USSR would be effectively the end of civilisation as we know it. Government and military command centres would retire to many underground 'bunkers' protected from blast and radiation. There was not any special arrangement for celebrities, who would have to face it with the rest of us. Given the scale of the projected destruction no protection for the masses was ever in place, and isn't now. Wealthy individuals might well purchase and install their own underground 'shelters'. But they would have to emerge at some time, into a world blown to pieces and contaminated with radiation. Actually, so would the governments, rulers and military strategists, which make the whole exercise largely academic, if you think about it! A post nuclear war world is a truly horrendous propostion, even if you could survive the actual blasts isn't it? That's why I'm entirely with adviceman49. It is the sheer horror of what we would unleash that keeps us from letting the beast of nuclear war out of the cage, as it were. We could not take out the ability of the enemy to answer back in a single massive first-strike. As soon as the missiles of one country were detected in the air, the other would launch their own. By launching the first strike we guarantee our own total destruction. It is for this reason alone that there has been no third world war since the two first nuclear bombs ended the second one.
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This is probably jumbled and random. I'm a little upset, so I apologize. Thank you in advance.
When I was little, my maternal grandmother lived with us a lot. I had a very close relationship with her, as I do with my mother. Her whole life she's had a hard time with personal relationships, and she's moved around and met different men, none of which have been pleasant. Right now she lives with an old man with a farm, and he's a little off his rocker, and doesn't like to go out or be around people, and besides getting anxious sometimes, he isn't that bad of a guy. However, they have this idea that they just cannot leave the farm unless they need something because they might get sick, and of course, they can't afford that. I haven't seen my grandmother in around a year, even though she lives about half an hour away. My step dad and 8 year old brother saw them from across the street at a gas station. They all made eye contact, but couldn't even be bothered to wave. Just last year, when I was still in highschool I had a lead roll in our winter musical, and we were doing South Pacific. It's my grandmother's favorite, and she promised she'd come see. It was the only thing that kept me from dropping out. She didn't come. Graduation rolled around, and I sent out invitations. She sent me a letter saying that she and her boyfriend or whatever he is would "be there in spirit." I cried both times. I know she's never had the best mental health, but it makes me angry. I want to write her a letter, but I don't even know what to say to her. My mother hasn't really ever had the best relationship with her, and it's at it's worst right now. They haven't spoken in months. Grandma sends occasional cards. She doesnt know what my siblings are up to, she doesn't know I moved out, or that I'm seeing someone. I'm so hurt by her lack of action, but I miss her. I know where they live, and I want to go see her, but I don't know if that would be the right course of action. I'm upset right now, so this whole thing is probably very jumbled. I also don't know if I should take how my mom would feel if I went to see her into consideration. I'm 18 and it's not really any of her business, but I love my mother very much. Also, I don't see or talk to my family much, despite living 8 blocks away, and I don't want another confrontation about it..
I want to see my grandmother again. What should I do??? (link)
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I think you have already touched on the best course of action, writing her that letter. But what to say? Well, it's the start of a new year and trditionally a time to take stock of our lives, weed out the old and unwanted, refresh and renew our desires, aims and ambitions. So why not start along those lines? Keep it light and not 'pushy'. Mention how quickly time seems to go by, you've just realised how long it is since you met up for a good chat and a gossip, and so on. And that you would love to get together. You have so much to tell her. Maybe hint at things rather than be too explicit yet. That might get her curiosity up, and make her eager to know more. And naturally, mention that she must have lots to tell you in return. Again, that's a fairly reliable 'hook' as people rather like talking about themselves. Perhaps also add that life seems so hectic there seems such a lot to do. So lets arrange a definite date so we can both be sure to be free. Then you really have to let her decide and respect her decision, even if it's clearly a 'no'. Hopefully it will be a positive response. It could be a 'maybe' and if so, write again reaffirming the fact that you really want to meet up. If she expresses any uncertainties in her reply, address them in a positive, reassuring 'can do' vibe. I'm getting the feeling that you think her partner may be at the root of this recent reclusive/hermit like lifestyle? You recall her as being outgoing and sociable? I couldn't really comment on this. If they are both happy in their lifestyle there isn't really a problem, after all. If you can meet up you'll probably be able to gauge thngs better. See if that is indeed the case. If you can, I would arrange this such that only you and your boyfriend are involved. The rest of the family don't need to know, and a negative-outcome confontation with them might make the whole project stall, or even die a death. You mention some animosity between her and your mother? I wouldn't combine ideas of a reconcilliation just yet. That might indeed come if things work out, but stick to one objective at a time. Hope you've got some ideas here? Let's use some of those psychological 'hooks' we've talked about. You appear to write clarly and well, even when upset. So start composing and editing a letter that will really get her interested. Best wishes. CJB
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I've just been asked to be part of the bridal party for one of my best friends. While I feel so honoured by her request, I'm very hesitant as she has told me about her intention to ask someone else as well. This person and I do not get along.
This person used to be my friend and former roommate. Our friendship ended 6 months ago when she moved out. Having been friends for over a decade, we had moved in together despite the fact that I was warned by various other friends that it wasn't a good idea. From the day we moved in, the relationship started deteriorating and she started to behave quite badly.
Just a few examples of this included:
- Never washing her dishes or putting them away or putting the garbage out and becoming hostile when I asked her to do so.
- Getting extremely upset with me during the time that my grandfather was dying. I was very sad and withdrawn and she accused me of making her feel as though she had done something wrong.
- Being very angry at me when I told her I felt uncomfortable if she were to sublet her room for a month while she was travelling (I eventually convinced my sister to sublet from her).
- Starting a verbal fight with me and, when a friend came over later, throwing objects around the kitchen and slamming cupboards to the point that we needed to leave the apartment.
- Doing drugs in my room while I was away on vacation.
I'm not innocent in this situation. In a lot of these conflict situations, I would either leave or practice avoidance. However, when I did assert myself or try to communicate, she would become very loud and intimidating. I am usually the 'mother' in any given friend circle and, while she encouraged me to practice boundaries with other friends, she became angry when I wouldn't be flexible with her.
We had come to an understanding that she would move out and I gave her ample time to find a new apartment. After several months of her staying put, I gave her a firm date to leave.
I haven't spoke to her since and had no intention of doing so. I came to the realization that, while I had supported her through many different life situations (losing an immediate family member, a break up, a theft), she had never been there for me or tried to support me in times of need. In addition to this, I developed anxiety during our last few months of living together and I still experience panic when thinking about her.
While the bride was supportive of me during this time, she still remains friends with my previous roommate. We had decided that I shouldn't share my feelings about the previous roommate with her due to the fact that it was very uncomfortable to be stuck in the middle.
When I found out that my best friend was getting married, I was happy for her but felt guilty about the fact that my mind immediately went to the fact that I would have to see my previous roommate again.
To add to this, there has been a lot of heartbreak that occurred between my previous roommate and other mutual friends even prior to our co-habitation. Due to this, the bride decided, out of her own volition to do two sets of events (i.e. bachelorette party, engagement party). This was an unfortunate set of affairs but seemed necessary given the circumstances. At the time, the bride did not want a wedding party.
The bride has now decided to ask her sister, another friend, myself, my previous roommate and my previous roommate's best friend. While I love my best friend and I want to be there for her on her big day, my throat closes when I think about interacting with my previous roommate. But what would be worse is if I bowed out of being in the bridal party and saw my previous roommate involved in my best friend's special day. I feel terrible but I've been fantasizing about skipping out on the entire day.
I haven't said anything about this to the bride and she wants to have a conversation. I don't want to hurt her or make this more difficult than it already is. What should I do? (link)
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I can see your point. It would appear that this friend's presence at the wedding will indeed cause you some anguish and not, by the sound of it, without sufficient cause! Her behaviour sounds dreadful, however we can mitigate this somewhat by the fact that it is now in the past. It's part of that ever-growing list of 'stuff that has happened to me'. Some good, some just OK, some bad. And the list grows longer as we journey on through life. With distance, spatial and/or temporal, should come perspective. OK, you are not likely to ever be friends as your values are totally at odds with one another. She finds things acceptabe which you do not. You would not behave like this yourself. You do not much care for those who do. But you lived through it. It has no power to annoy or upset you again. Unless you grant it that power yourself. I can see also that you are fond of your friend the bride, and naturally want to be there on her 'big day'. So why let this past animosity spoil it and cheat you both of it? Rise above it, I say. There are many ways of avoiding direct one-to-one contact with a person at any social event. We have, I'm sure, both been to gatherings where we do not much care for for one (some times more than one!) of the other guests? Resist the urge to confront her now. That's being selfish in many ways and will spoil the day. If she attempts to confront you, stay aloof. Polite, but very cool. Don't give her an audience, deny her any attention she might hope to draw to herself altogether. You won't resolve these past conflicts with a discussion, or a blazing row either I fear. You two are just too different. It won't 'clear the air' to coin a phrase. The air just clears naturally over time. It slips from your memory, occupies less and less of your thoughts. This brings up the concept of acceptance. Many religious belief systems feature 'love thine enemy' and 'turn the other cheek' 'forgiveness'etc ideology. I'm not of the religious persuasion myself, but the ideology is sound. Simply because the while we feel someone has 'done us wrong' and are seething with resentment we place them in the position of 'offender' and label ourself as 'victim'. We impose a 'victim mentality' upon ourselves, and this is not a great mindset to carry along with us through life. It holds us back. It also tends to attract re-victimisation. Not good! Acceptance is truly liberating. It sets us free. We accept, and even tacitly 'forgive'. This is however for our benefit, not theirs. Through acceptance we deny the 'offender' this power over us, which is what it is when you think about it, eh? This girl and her wretched behaviour is still worrying you. Causing you anxiety. Making you consider giving up something you wish to do. You are still her 'victim' in other words. You're not gonna stand for that are you? Go to the wedding mate! Have a great christmas and new year by the way.
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I'm a 14 year old female. Early this morning I was about to wake up-my dream was concluding and I went to open up my eyes. However, suddenly I was frozen in place and unable to move anything. Everything around me was brown and I began to hear two male voices telling me I'd "never get out of this." My initial reaction was to call for my parents but I was unable to make any sound. This only lasted a minute or two but it was extremely scary. I really don't understand what happened and why it happened but I'd really like it to not happen again, so does anyone know about this kind of thing? (link)
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I gather this is what happens when the cognitive functions of your brain 'wake-up' a little before the part of the brain which controls our 'motor functions' which are the impulses which actuate and control our actions and voluntary movements. Now, normally there is a kind of mechanism which prevents this. The motor functions come 'on-line' as you might say, before the cognitive functions. And indeed, if you watch someone waking-up you will often see them stir, or move or twitch slightly before they become properly awake and aware of their surroundings. When it (rarely) happens in the wrong order, so to speak we find ourselves conscious of our surroundings, and properly awake and aware, it is not part of a dream. But since the motor-function centres are still not powered-up, we cannot move, or speak either since the our vocal chords are also muscular in nature. Thus, we feel 'paralysed' and struck dumb The visual centres and hearing are not strictly muscular, so we can see and hear, although we may find our focus is not perfect. As we said it happens occasionally but is not in itself a symptom, indication or advance warning of any significant psychiatric/mental condition or affliction. But it is scary when it happens, right?? The 'voice' I am not certain about, but in moments of acute anxiety our thoughts can often manifest themselves in what would seem to be a 'voice'. An odd kind of third-party narrative. In this case, 'voicing' your fear that you were paralysed for life! And in the brief moments before you got your brain-functions properly sorted your anxiety levels would have shot up. You possibly felt rather 'nervy' and 'shaky' afterwards? And noticed your heart was beating rather fast and heavy? As it does after a shock/surprise/trauma etc. Are you a bit happier about the episode now? I hope so. Have a great day mate!
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I'm in a horrible situation and need help fast. I'm 22 and he is 22, slightly younger than me. I have no one to talk to because I'm not supposed to be talking to him. I met this guy a year ago through a friend when he moved here from another state. He was staying with his friend who lived with my friend. I was also moving into an apartment at the same time. It's my first apartment and I got it all on my own. Me, jumping into adult life quickly, I let this guy stay at my apartment and then lived there and we were dating. Things got real ugly. Long story shot, I've called the cops on him 3 times, had him sent to a mental help place for saying he was going to kill himself, and he's punched a hole through my door and stolen hundreds from me, both cash from my wallet and items that were sold. He's broken 2 or 3 of his phones, smashed electronics I bought, screamed at me making me hyperventilate and lock myself in the bathroom to call the cops.
At one point, I told my parents what happened and my dad came down from another state to stay with me and change my locks because I didn't feel safe. He also pushed me into going to the police station to start the process of a restraining order against this guy.
We had a court date set. To give you an idea of how careless this guy is, he brought over flowers when he knew my dad was here staying with me after all of this. He does NOT think things through or think of consequences.
I didn't know where he was at this time. The court date was probably a week away and I was having second thoughts about a restraining order. I even went to a center for women who are abused to talk to them and get some insight on whether I should go through with it. I was torn. He was my best friend. One night when I was home alone, I started to think a lot and cry and I called him.
He was staying at a friend's apartment not far from me. I told him to just not go to the court date and I wouldn't either. I mostly just felt that he was my best friend and I couldn't do it. I was so close to him. We related a lot. Soon after, the restraining order case was dropped, and the lease was ending at the apartment he was staying at.
I, unfortunately, allowed him in. I told him it was temporary, and that I didn't want to date. But I couldn't let him live on the street or at a shelter. But, he sleeps with me and we act like a couple in secret.
Now, he's gone through MANY jobs and can't keep one. Constantly asks for money and things that I believe he'll pay me back for. He smokes marijuana outside of my apartment (I do NOT smoke). He does not pay rent. I have to watch what I say. I can't bring any friends over. I can't talk to anyone about it. I measure how mad he is by how hard he slams the door. I am CONSTANTLY STRESSED. I work so much and he just stays here.
Out of fear, I can't say too much how I don't want to be kissing him or talking sweet to him because he gets extremely upset and cries and will scream. So I live, just, carefully and it's the same stuff every day.
I'm so sorry this is long. I really, really need help. I am SO stuck.
My dad is moving down here and he cannot be here. But he has no where to go. So I told him a month ago he needed to be out. It's now that time and only now he is messaging people for somewhere to live and no one is answering. Do I just stand my ground and say he needs to be out by tomorrow night regardless? He's saying he'll live in his car, but he doesn't realize what that all entails. His parents won't even take him back. No friends. I can't do this anymore. I want to be free. What would you do? (link)
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It looks to me as if you have ended up in a position where you feel responsible and accountable for the fortunes of this man. And that you have made a significant investment in him, which indeed you have. This second part you may be aware of or unaware of, but suffice to say we are reluctant to abandon our investments even when they seem vey unlikely to give us any return worth having. Sometimes however, we must. I would say that he has either instigated and carefully cultivated this in you, in order to improve his own circumstances and prospects. Or he has simply found himself in such a position. If it is instance one, I'm afraid you've been played. In the second instance you have inadvertently 'played yourself'. The result is the same in eiher case. The fact that none of his other acquaintances are willing to offer the slightest help should certainly get the alarm bells ringing in your head. It is remarkably easy to fall into situations like this, particularly if you are naturally a 'caring/nurturing' pesonality type. And one who believes in the underlying good in others. The belief that we can solve anything if we give enough of our own time and effort and understanding. From a lot of what you have said this man appears to be more volunteer than victim in many of his misfortunes. In all honesty I cannot see the relationship ever developing and maturing into an equal, loving one. One with mutual respect and consideration. The sort of relationship which in fact you deserve and have every right to expect. We cannot base such a relationship on a mash-up of misplaced guilt and sympathy. In short I think you should cut him out of your life. His tale does not sound a happy one, granted. But he's really not your responsibilty, is he? Not unless you chose to make him so. And precisely what do you stand to gain from doing this? You have already tried, and tried hard. Far more than most people would. There are people who the world simply cuts adrift and 'leaves behind' as you might say. This guy has 'sinking ship' written large on him, and tying yourself to a sinking ship is not a great idea since all you'll do is go down with it. The only person who can ultimately save this man is himself. The appointed wellfare authorities and organisations are his life-lines. Not you.
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guys i need your help once i fingered my self but not hard that was all but if i tuchd my fathers pants or something like that an i be pregnat ? but i dont even put my fingeri in so hard so i dont even know if i tuched anything but thats my quesstion
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Relax, you most certainly cannot get pregnant from fingering yourself (aka masturbating) and it does not matter how hard, or soft, how frequently or for how long you do it. It's for you to enjoy, as and when you feel the need, and all perfectly natural for a female of any age. I see what you mean about touching something that has been round a man's private parts, but you're ok there as well. It would be unfortunate if simply touching or any contact with a man's towels, flannels, bedclothes or underwear and so on could get a woman pregnant, but it cannot do so. About the only way you could do it would be to deliberately insert a good amount of freshly released male semen (while it is still warm, wet and live) into your vagina with your fingers or something. That's hardly something you could do by accident, is it? Semen cools, dries out and then the sperm die after a while in the air and nothing (like moisture or fluids for example) can bring it back to life. Hope you feel better now? There's no chance of pregnancy from anything you've done here, I promise you.
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HI :)
on 4th of September im starting last school year at high school ..so i need to chose college i want to go ...but i have a problem bc im not really sure what i want to do. I dont know many things but im good at languages (english and german). and im also interested in history. SO i would be interested doing job that would involve using languages. I would also wanted study Mass media communication but i was going through colleges that offer this subject but there is a test needed to do before they can take you in , the test involves to already have knowledge about this kind of stuff but i dont know this things because im at bilingual school (so the im primary learning languages)....what should i do then ? (link)
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Hi there! It is often a good idea, when choosing our academic subjects for further study, to 'play to our strengths'. In this case, your strength appears to be languages. Interest is essential to keep the motivation and momentum you need in further studies too. Is your interest in history strong enough to motivate you to make the extra effort? The goal of our academic study is to secure a job which interests us, and of course we'd like it to be well-paid too! I would probably suggest languages, with history a good choice if your interest in it is very great and you can see a career pathway that would call for it. Mass media communication covers a very wide area in today's world. But I would be inclined to say that many companies would have in-house training, and just a few 'specialists' which cover the particular areas of concern to them and their client/customer base. In effect, if they need high language skills they would be far more likely to recruit somebody who already has them and sort out the IT/coms competencies themselves than they would be to hire someone with academic qualifications in IT subjects and then try to teach them a whole language from the ground-up. Also, if you're going to be 'good at languages' then English is a good one to be good at! It remains THE language of trade and commerce. Quite probably because for quite a few hundreds of years the worlds leading economies have been firstly Great Britain and it's Empire, and later the United States, both of whom speak English.
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My doctor diagnosed me with type 2 diabeties because my a1c was 6.5. My grandmother had diabetes was diagnosed with diabetes and she got rid of it.
But he also said I was Pre-diabetes? I don't really get it. Can it go away if I eat right and exercise? He prescribed me metmorfin. (link)
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Metformin is the most common medication for diabetes. I would say that if you can keep an a1c level of 6.5 at six-monthly blood tests with metformin and a good diet and exercise then you are controlling it very well and should avoid the complications which long-term high blood sugar is associated with. I'm not sure myself that anybody has ever 'got rid of' diabetes? I thought it was a lifetime condition? Are we using the term 'got rid of' with in place of 'managed and controlled'? Diabetes can emerge in elderly/ageing people purely because of the general ageing of the pancreas, along with the rest of our body. That can indeed be controlled by simply keeping as active as you can and watching your meals/diet, namely how much sugar and carbohydrate you consume. This would, in effect amount to 'getting rid of' diabetes since it may require no medication whatsoever to keep your blood sugar levels within the acceptable range. And a1c 6.5 is certainly not alarmingly high. Since you have been diagnosed 'pre-diabetic' it is possible that you will not go on to become diabetic, and you appear not to be insulin-dependent (where you would have to inect yourself with insuin) as he has prescribed metformin. How would you describe your lifestyle? Are you fit and active? Perhaps even more importantly, do you consume a lot of sugary food, sweets/candy, and soft drinks? If the answers are 'not really' to the first, and 'loads' to the second then this could be a wake-up call to change your lifestyle. And you may indeed 'get rid of it' (in the terms we have outlined above) if you do.
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The doctor called me with results yesterday. They won't be able to talk to me about it until next Friday. She said I have diabetes. My mom said I can get rid of it if I eat right and exercise. Is this true or will I have it forever? (link)
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I'm pretty sure myself that nobody diagnosed as diabetic has ever 'got rid of it'. It can be controlled. Sometimes just by diet alone. Sometimes by diet and oral medication (tablets). Sometimes by injections of insulin. All are helped by excercise, not excessive gym regimes necessarily, but being ative. It deepends whether you are producing some insulin, but either not enough or you body cannot use it properly. Or if your pancreas is producing no insulin whatsoever (in which case it will need daily injections and you are technically 'insulin dependent diabetic). This is the gist of the Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. There is a condition known as 'pre-diabetic' where a doctor identifies a tendency and this may possibly be 'cured' in that you don't go on to become diabetic. Other than this I'm afraid you have to consider a diagnosis as being 'diabetic' as a life-time condition and it will always need you to actively control it. Can't in all honesty promise you any better news than that I'm afraid.
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I'm 20 years old and I've been engaged to the perfect man for almost six months now.
I'm extremely mentally ill, but I'm in the process of trying to recover. (I'm deeply serious in this process and journey.)
My fiance's dream wife is a full-time housewife. And that's actually what I'd love to be as I am obsessed with cleaning and cooking and making his life stress-free and overflowing in joy.
But I just don't feel like a "real woman."
What are ***ALL*** the qualities of a REAL woman? Like her personality and what she does.
I'm really... dumb, sadly. So also, what's an easy way to learn how to pay the bills, like organize and pay them properly?
Please tell me ALL you know about becoming a REAL woman!!! Thank you! (link)
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Hi there. There's such a lot of pressure these days to be a 'perfect' whatever-we-want-to-do/be isn't there? We talk and read and see and hear so much about 'lifestyle' and we're perhaps made to feel somewhat inadequate if we don't quite make the 'perfect' grade? There's nothing wrong with setting a high bar, but we shouldn't not feel we have failed if we don't sail over it at the first attempt, with no practice, no training, no preparation. So, you like housework? A bit of a domestic goddess as they say? You're likely to have a very clean and neat and attractive house then. Not all women like this aspect of living at all. But of course, are no less a 'real woman' because of it. You're not dumb either. We're not born with a knowledge of financial controls embedded in our brains mate, male or female! We learn, basically by doing it. You'll find financial institutions keep you well informed with statements, your details are available on-line in most cases. If you feel that, say a particular bill would be best paid by some form of direct debit you'll find the establishment in question are very happy to set it all up if you call and ask. You have to ensure that your bank account that you use for living day to day has enough in reserve of course. Our usual expenses do become remarkably predictable after a while. There's credit for unexpected events, or maybe an indulgence you are willing (and able!) to make the repayments on month-by-month. Work this out. Incoming versus outgoing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with controlled and managed 'borrowing'. A mortgage is a perfect example and this 'debt' is a way of life for most people for a good part of their lives. What does our 'perfect woman' do? She lives her life. Enjoys the good moments and does all she can to cope with the less good ones, and there will be less-good moments. What is she like in character? She's exactly what she is! There's no recipe for a perfect relationship, unfortunately. If there is a golden rule it is 'communication'. Get used to telling each other how you feel about things, don't keep things quiet and bottled-up. That's just storing-up silent resentment. It will boil over (explode, even!) eventually. I think you'll be fine. You ARE a 'real woman'. We learn this mysterious 'art of life' by living it, day-by-day. Will you always be perfect? Good god no!! Who is??
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I am looking to buy a beginners professional camera. I ve been looking at the Nikon D3000 series. I d like to photograph my art and make videos. However, the Nikon D3200 only has a recording time of 20 minutes. I m hoping for at least an hour of recording time. The used Nikon D3000s with lense cost around $275-$350. Do you know of a similar quality camera with lense (preferably Nikon or Canon) in the same price range with a longer video recording time? Thank you.
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Hi there. The time limits are the product of possible overheating issues, file size limits of FAT32 format memory cards and also the fact that it pushed DSLR's into 'high quality video devices' which attract a higher import duty which would mean higher prices. It's a hard one to get round. As a solution, most enthusiast and pro videographers would usually agree that an unbroken 20 minutes of continuous filming is actually quite a rare event. The 'final cut' as you might say, may well be much longer but it will be a number of shots which have been edited. So the answer might be to look at acquiring and learning a digital video editing program. We immediately think of Adobe Premiere. Which is certainly broadcast-quality, like the output of a DSLR can be broadcast quality. Naturally, full production-quality video is beyond the reach of everyone except film studios. It may seem very attractive to have a DSLR which you could just leave 'rolling' for two hours or some such time. But the scene you capture will most certainly be boring and difficult to watch, it won't hold the viewers attention even if the 'live' spectacle did. Your eye-mind mechanism will have 'edited' this. Think of the workflow as high-quality capture of short 'scenes' and then assembling these scenes on an editor. That's what the pro's do. It would be impossible to direct half an hour of filming if it had to unfold in real time in front of a rolling single camera. You'll hardly ever see 20 minutes of footage that was an unbroken single 'take' on TV or in movies. We only see long unbroken filming on CCTV security cameras. Personally I would go for a Nikon, as any f-mount lens from about 1977 will go on a pro Nikon DSLR and some of the old AIS lenses are absolutey superb for video work. (All old AIS Nikkors are getting in a bit shorter supply lately cos the 'collectors' get after them. Spoil-sports, they're meant to be USED!!)
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Hello, is sharing a ciggie mean anything at all between friends when out having drink? Is it intimate as i've heard so. Told him he can have the last one but he was the one who suggested to share before I go buy a new pack also he was the one who asked me if I'd fancy a drink. We both smoke but we've never shared a ciggie before. We talked and joked while sharing ciggie and I felt like there was a bit of flirt going on. We do joke loads but I don't know but felt different when we went out for a drink. What do you think? I mean I don't know if it's a date or not. He does say you're a good mannered girl and we both go to same college. Thankyou (link)
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Smoking is (perhaps quite rightly) very out of favour these days. But it was not always so. Smoking had conventions and etiquette and a symbolism. Offering a cigarette to someone when we had one ourselves was such a social convention. We could offer (if we desired to be friendly with the other person) or possibly withold the offer if we wanted to 'keep our distance' as it were. Actually sharing the same cigarette is a certain sign of being comfortable with a higher-than-usual level of intimacy with a person, for sure. You are, after all putting the same item into your mouths. You've got to like someone pretty much before you do that, wouldn't you agree? So, a long way of saying "Yes, it's intimate".
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