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Gender: Female
Occupation: Former professional therapist
Member Since: June 10, 2016
Answers: 28
Last Update: December 20, 2016
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Well i am a very confused soul. I am at my mid 20s and still don't know what i really want from society. I am a chubby girl with polycystic ovarian syndrome and so i grow unwanted facial hair like men. I suffer from multi mental complexes. Everyday life is like a hell to me. When i go public people stop and ask what is wrong with me and give wierd look. Previously it used to feel so awkward and i used to avoid sunlight and go out only in the evening. But then i thought its me who i am, what god makes me and not the society. My femininity does not depend upon my look. So i cope with the problem created by my own mind. But then a guy proposed me over social media unknown of the fact of my hirsutism. I have not met him face to face yet. But today or tomorow i am sure that i am gonna meet him. He praise my beauty and personality and my feminine traits. But when he will see me face to face i think it will cause him a real shock. I am scared of my masculine flaws and have started to hate myself. I don't even have enough money to go under cosmetic procedures like laser treatment to get rid of it. What should be my approach now? (link)
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Do not put too much stock or hope in a person you haven't met and do not allow ANY man to define who you are or whether you are a valuable person. You must be comfortable with yourself first. It's hard work, and sometimes you don't always fit other people's idea of what you should look like or be like. What YOU think and feel is what is important. Build that relationship with yourself and you will find that the right person who appreciates you will be much easier to recognize. Again, be VERY cautious about people you met on the internet. Meet them in a public place and take it EXTREMELY slow in getting to know that person. Any suggestion of a proposal to someone they haven't met is HIGHLY suspicious! Don't buy into this!!!
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28/f, 27m. We've been together for a bit more than a year.
I posted this question awhile back, if you'd like background: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=659929
Basically, I have concluded that for whatever reason, things aren't right, and I need to end this relationship. Problem is, I've tried three times to do so, and every time either I push him into saying what I want to hear, or he talks me back into his arms.
But, AskAuntEmma was right - if I loved him, I would accept him for who he is AS he is. It's not right that I want him to change. I think it's almost that he was so close to what I thought my ideal partner was... I thought on some level if I pushed him, he could be that. But all he can be is, in fact, himself. I am beyond grateful for what he's done for me, what he's helped me through and how he's supported me, but he isn't what I want or need in a romantic life partner.
So... I want to give him the respect of doing this face-to-face. But I'm afraid I'll end up back in his arms again. The LAST thing I want to do is string him along and make it worse.
In a situation like this, how do I make sure that I don't chicken out? (link)
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Glad something I said was helpful. So here's the next step.
I do think it's the right thing to do to break up in person. These people who break up in text or just stop answering the phone are cowards. It's all in the language. Meet him in a PUBLIC place (coffee, not dinner) so he cannot romance or sex you into changing your mind. Use firm and final language. Do not let him put you on the defensive, trying to pin you down on what precisely your complaints are. You don't need to give him the why at all! Just tell him your decision is final and then tell him how grateful you are for the time you've spent together.
You will be sad and you will grieve. It's just the nature of the beat. BTW, I would be cautious about thinking in terms of having an "ideal" partner. Do not date with the idea that a person has to fit in to your preconceived notions. If you do, you'll miss some truly great people. Give yourself time and don't start dating immediately. Time for introspection is incredibly important. Good luck.
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First off, I accidentally got my hair cut way too short. So I was wondering if anyone had any tips on naturally growing it out. How to make my hair the healthiest it can be. I'd TRULY appreciate it beyond words! :)
I also have some questions.
I've always been SUPER angry and have angry outbursts a lot due to my irritation towards my horrifying depression and anxiety. So it's like every single thing makes me angry. I've been working on it and I've really accomplished it almost! :D I've been singing very happily and cheerfully in my mind a very positive word like "peachy" and "happy." I was wondering if anyone had any other tips on how to actually be able to soon deal with my anger so easily and quickly that no one even notices that I'm angry anymore. :O
I was wondering what are the BEST traits in a person's personality. I'm not trying to change who I am in any way, so please don't say that. I'm just trying to improve myself as a person, because I know I'm not that good of a person.
I mean, I do try all I can to help EVERYONE - even those I don't know or who have been harsh to me. I'm willing to sacrifice all the money I have to help ANYONE and to sacrifice ALL my sleep if someone needed a friend in the middle of the night. My dream career is helping people - senior caregiving, to be exact. I either wanted to do that, because I adore the elderly with all my heart or work at the mental hospital since my heart has always lived in mental health. But I choose senior caregiving.
I still think I could be a MUCH better person. Can anyone give me tips on being a better person? I just am dying to be the best person I can be!
Please help! (link)
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I will focus on the anger part as that is where I think I may be able to help most: It is important for you to calmly, after the fact, do your best to dig down a bit and discover what you're really angry about. If it's in various situations, there is usually a core issue that makes you angry. Anger is a good barometer of how you feel. Just because you feel anger doesn't mean you have to act on it. It's like pain. Don't ignore the pain but try to figure out where it's coming from. Athletics, and other things can channel your anger but ultimately, you need to understand it better. If it's just impulsivity (flying off the handle because you're frustrated) you need to understand that too and learn to control it. BTW, I commend you on beginning the process of introspection. It's a valuable skill to have.
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My boyfriend and I have been arguing about random things lately now and then. I sometimes feel that he is trying to find an excuse, I don't know why. Recently he just asked me about my car, and what year it is. (Its a mercedes s550 2007). I told him I don't think a person's car or what they have is what should be important but the person themselves. I said I don't ask about your car or your business. We had fought about my previous car as well, as he wanted to use it for a few days since I am no longer using that one. I feel like he is always analyzing me and trying to figure something out from my answers. Shouldn't the women be doing this? Anyway, today he asked again and I still did not tell him, I asked what does it matter, it doesn't matter for me. He said it does because it defines your personality and if you don't tell me what year your car is then who knows what you won't tell me later on in life if we get married. I wrote back if it's something important of course I'll tell you but unimportant topics like this shouldn't matter. He went offline. We have been seriously thinking about marriage soon but how would it be if we happen to argue lately about everything and our minds are very confused. I just don't know what to do, and should I tell him my car year (aka feed his egoistic curiosity). I don't know anymore. Thank you... (link)
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Sounds like you don't trust him or his motives and based on what you have written here, I would tend to agree with you. Cars do not define your personality! But if they define his, then that is only one of several problems. He is baiting you by promising that you might get married. Men think this is a woman's dearest hope. Not always true these days. It's also not always true that women are supposed to grill their partners and constantly analyze and find meaning in their answers. Trust your gut on this one. If you don't trust his intentions, don't trust them! Stay strong and my bottom line advice? Walk and maybe run from this guy and find someone who appreciates you instead of your car.
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My life kind of started to end on July 15 2014. My wife of 52 years and I were sitting on our deck when we looked at each other and said, You know something we got it made. That was because I had finally retired and we had moved into our new house in the mountains. That was around one pm when we spoke those words.
That night around seven we got a call from one of our daughters (Barb). She told us that she had just left the doctors and they had told her she had stage four ovarian cancer, and that she had 1 to 5 years to live.
This as you can imagine floored us. The next morning my wife (Elaine) and I packed her suitcase. We decided that my wife would move in with Barb to help her as much as possible. Barb lives three hours away, so we thought I would drive down on weekends and bring our dog with me.
After three months of Elaine staying there and me coming down on weekends, the stress got so bad between my wife and I. You see, Elaine is 71 years old and she was taking care of Barbs whole house. There are four in the family, Barb, her husband (Jeff) daughter (Kristin age 21) and son (Jeffery age 17). She looked like she was 90 years old. This was killing my wife. Well after three months had gone by, Barb went back to work, so Elaine decided to come home and we would go down on weekends. This lasted till 1/10/16 when Barb passed away.
When my wife came home, I was relieved that she could rest and try to get back to somewhat of a normal life. Well that did not happen. From the minute and I mean minute Elaine walked in the door I was accused of having an affair. I could not believe my ears. Her reasoning was she found Cialis in my bureau drawer. After her throwing this at me I showed her that it was a sample with my name written on it. The funny part of it was, Elaine was the one that picked it up at the doctors office. By the way our doctor not only wrote my name on the box but the date 1/16/2012. Four years before we moved to the mountains.
That was the end of that session. But two weeks later she told me my girlfriend stole five pair of her jeans from the closet. I could go on an on about the accusations but to name just a few. Cigarette butts found in the street meant my girlfriend was standing there watching the house. I was told while we where both out shopping together that there was blood on our mattress pad. When we got home the blood had disappeared. Now remember we never left each others side.
I won’t bore you with more details because there is over 50 accusations made. None of which were true.
Anyway last week a new neighbor moved in and you guessed it I was having an affair with her.
Well two days ago she left me, drained our bank accounts of over $125,000. Leaving me not only with my wife of 52 years but without a penny.
I can’t do this anymore. As much as I love her I want it all to end. I can’t stand the pain. I sit here and look at a bottle of pills the doctor gave us for depression and can’t stop thinking this would end my pain. I was a strong willed man all my life, a rough and tumble construction worker. Well I am a broken man now. She broke me and took my will to live.
(link)
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A drastic personality change like this suggests that there is something organic (physiological) going on here. It could be dementia, early stage alzheimer's or a host of other possibilities. Of course, depression could also cause these extreme behavioral changes. It's a shame that you couldn't have found a way to have her evaluated earlier. There's still time if you can suggest that there may be something biological going on with her. Do not accuse her. Time to step up and realize that this may not be about you at all. As for your depression, you clearly need help too. Aging sucks and it's not for sissies. It's a tragic story you tell but you can turn it around. Do not succumb to resignation!
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I been having this sort of problem after my first period everything change my discharge start smelling like pee i think it because i use summer eves soap when i first got my period (i dont no more) or when i use scented pads (i dont no more) my period brown and smell like pee to this is stressful i tryed everything everyone can smell me for a person that showers everyday or sometimes twice a day and i dance sometimes i dont wanna go to dance because i smell i told my mom to take me to the doctors but my medi wasnt working at that time i feel sad,nasty,dirty,stink,punnish and ....... Please help me this is not a joke i was thinkiing of killing myself because i was getting mess wit (link)
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I don't know how old you are but this is often how periods start. It works itself out on it's own. Don't use any kind of harsh soap and believe it or not, eat a lot of yogurt and other things that create "good bacteria."
Killing yourself? Because of your period? Not only is this absurd overkill (that's a bad pun) but it's a good example of considering a permanent solution for a temporary problem. If you are thinking of killing yourself for ANY reason, whether it's your period, a boy, or having a bad day at school, you need to seek professional help. You need to develop healthier coping skills and discover why things like this can cause you such profound emotional distress. THAT is a much bigger problem than a little temporary odor. Life is stinky enough without hating yourself for it! Now, go get some good (great!) counseling and learn to enjoy the bumps and grinds of growing up. I know, yuk!
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Okay, 28/f. He's 27. We've been together for a bit more than a year...
We were fine... but then we weren't. I started to want more than he could/would give me. When I brought my needs to him, he wanted to try to do everything he could to change and fight for the relationship.
But the problem is... I think I'm just done. Not only did I say I loved him first, but he didn't respond. I had to ask him to say it six months later, after dream after dream where I heard him say it, and woke up to realize he hadn't. I know that he tried to show me (and to me, yes, actions DO speak louder than words), but... When I'm physically with him, I'm happy and I think things like "THIS is right. Cuddled up on the couch, comfortable, talking..." But when we're not physically together, it's like the spell is broken and it no longer feels right. We didn't have sex for more than a month until we had makeup sex after the first time I tried to break up with him...
This is the first relationship I've ever had where I wasn't being abused in some way. He's done NOTHING wrong. I mean... well, he's done a couple dumb things. But to be fair I'm his first serious relationship since high school...
I just... I feel so selfish. I love him and I want a future with him, but he needs to grow up first. If I'm not happy and thinking like that, it's not fair to him, is it?
We both lost our jobs this past year. When he lost his job, he picked up a bunch of hobbies and started playing community soccer more often. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life. When I lost my job, I became more driven to succeed in my field - that's another thing.
He's a brilliant human being. But he doesn't even have a Bachelor's degree yet, and I'm starting a doctoral program in the fall. Granted, he started a program recently, but he's taking on-line classes and doesn't know what he wants to do with it.
I feel like he's still trying to start his life, whereas I feel like I'm halfway through mine.
How do I explain this? How do I justify this? I don't know how to understand it myself.
Is this even right? Am I as selfish as I feel? Do I end my first not-harmful relationship over being in different places in life? Do people do that? Is that a reason to end it?
Is there a reason to stay? :( (link)
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You say you love him but it doesn't sound like it. To love someone is to accept and appreciate them for who they are. Clearly he doesn't live up to certain standards you have but are afraid to admit. Or, you admit it and then admonish yourself for it. It's possible that you are being more critical of him because he hasn't abused you yet. Only you can answer that question. Only you can determine whether what you call abuse is actually abuse or whether it's a catch-all phrase for behavior you don't like. The term abusive, 'emotionally abusive' is extremely over-used today and diminishes the definition of the real thing when it unfortunately occurs.) Despite all of this, you say you love him and you want a future with him. It would be a miserable experience for you both if you ignored the reality that he can't seem to live up to your expectations. Looks like you have some growing up to do, to figure out why you have tolerated abusive relationships and then get into a relationship with someone who can't seem to live up to your expectations. The bottom line is: eiither accept him for who he is or move on.
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i'm in an unofficial relationship with this really great guy. we aren't formally together, but everyone pretty much already knows that we have a thing. he's charming, eloquent and attractive; i was attracted to him from the very start. upon finding out that the feelings were mutual, we both decided to unofficially 'get together'. now we talk to each other everyday, converse with all kinds of romantic words and all that jazz.
but this all changed when i met someone else. this other guy was incredibly persistent, he liked me from the moment we talked. even though i tried to tell him that i was emotionally unavailable, he wouldn't give up. and if i were to be honest, i enjoy conversations with him much more than i do when talking to my 'boyfriend'. he just has a certain type of wit about him that makes my heart skip a beat, especially when he says all the smooth things. previously, i suspected him of being a huge flirt with everyone and called him out on it, but he told me that he was only interested in me.
i mean, the choice seems rather obvious, right? i'm not even formally in a relationship, so it would be easier to break things off with the first guy. furthermore, i'm more attracted to the second. but i'm not someone who enjoys confrontations, and i hate the idea of hurting others. i should never have even developed feelings for the second guy in the first place, i don't know why i did. can anyone tell me what i should do, and how to go about it? thank you. (link)
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Seems like you are assuming commitment where there is none in both of these cases. In the first case, you believe you're in a relationship but it's "unofficial." What exactly does that mean? That neither of you will commit to even being in a relationship? Or is it one of you? You can't really break up something that never began. (You haven't explained the extent of your intimacy but how you two define your level commitment is the important thing---not how anyone else categorizes it.
In the second case, you haven't really gotten that started yet either. Allow it to develop and when it's time to discuss "being a couple" (you're not there yet) discuss it with each other. If you can't talk openly about that, how can you hope to talk openly about anything else? How do you go about it? Be courteous but be more open about how you feel. That's necessary for friendships and love relationships alike.
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