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humorist-workshop
What is my next step?
ok umm 25 f. So I dont know exactly where I am going with this but I am just gonna vent and hopefully you can provide me with so advice. But first I want to just express thanks to Dragonflymagic. I have written here before (as a teenager) and you always give well written detailed advice. I am so grateful for that. Currently, I am in another country . I have always dreamt of leaving my country and just living in different countries for a bit. So I was so happy in 2023 when I finally did it. However, the job that I got was not good. I got really depressed to the point that I was always crying and I couldnt pin point the exact reason. At work I would go to the restroom and just cry. I took pills to sleep and just slept for an entire day.Eventually, I told a friend back home and she would then check in on me and when things got worse I joined the gym. Thankfully 10 months after my contact ended and I returned home which was not the best since at home our apartment is really bad and I share a small room with my brother who is 2 years younger. He keeps the room in a terrible state and just doesnt care. So I decided to leave again. This time the job environment is not as bad but it is still hard. But I want to stay in the country because I am not attracted to guys back home. However, I feel like guys here do not find me attractive. At least in this city. the city I was before in 2023 into 2024 yeah. I already made my list off things that I want in a guy but I feel discouraged since I have only had one guy show interest in me since I returned at the end of '24. Although I know that this guy misses the main thing I need in a guy I would have liked that we still spoke and hung out as acquaintances but that is not happening.
The first time he asked me out I couldnt go because it was to the pool in my apartment complex( he has a friend that lives in my building) and well I didnt want 1. be in a swim suit with someone I just met and 2. I did not want to get my hair wet 3. I cant really swim. The next two times he just suggested we get something to eat, dane or go bowling. I said yes to the bowling but he never messaged about a date or anything. And the way he asked was as I said more of a suggestion. Anyway this is why I feel like I am notthe girl that gets the guy. The lack of interest or effort is what I have to deal with and I hate it. There are times where a guy just doesnt put forth effort and show that he really wants me and is willing to do what it takes.Yeah as a woman I am not saying that I wont show effort but I need the guy to do it first because I love hard and once I want a guy I would do the most and I dont want to do that for a guy that is not as interested as I am.And I scared that love dont find me soon. I need it to. Anway on the other hand I am trying to fix things at home in my country but I am not even sure when I want to return. Because of the whole I dont want someone from muy country thing. If I live continuously here for 5 years then I can become a resident but do I want to stay at this job for 5 years no.Looking for jobs here though and ensuring there is no breaks in my visa is hard and I am not sure if it is worth it since I would a resident of two third world countries. Like if I got married and became a resident that is fine but purposely staying for 5 years to do it ? I am not sure. At my job I am a teacher ( grades 9-10) and it is hard. I dont particularly like it but for now I endure because it allows me to 1. escape home for a bit 2. work on some things and 3. live in a new country.But although I am not as depressed as before I still feel emotionally tired, frustrated and confused. I wished had could find the someone so maybe just maybe I would have someone to talk to and just escape a bit with. Sometimes I buy myself flowers just to feel better.Oh yeah I dont really have friends because I am extroverted and just really prefer have 1 person to really let into my bubble. About the friends thing though I did try to open up a bit and let persons into my home since for the first time I have my own apartment and stuff but that didnt turn out well. And it feels like I beg persons to hang out so I just dont anymore and keep to myself.
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It's Dragonfly magic again, and thanks for the compliment. I hope you feel the same after I give my point of view based on what you wrote.
At first I thought it might be an age thing with the guys still too immature but as I read on I got another vibe. I may be wrong but if I see this and pick up on it from just a written letter of yours, then I wonder if guys are picking up on it, whether they are aware or not. In a nutshell, I felt there is a strong neediness in you, and again I may be wrong but just basing it off what you wrote. You say you don't have many friends because you are introverted...and I understand that as I was during childhood. So an introverted person, if they have one friend, or lets say one guy to hang with, without saying a word, an invisible energy comes off a person that can affect another person and for some reason, they may not know why, but they feel like opposite ends of a magnet, repeled by the other, not wanting to truly get to know the other. I have a good example story of a time when I was younger and went to a nudist camp. Interestingly, there were two very obese women in attendance. I had a friend or two there but went around trying to meet others. Remember, no hiding behind clothes. I came across a crowd of people and hearing a woman talking, everyone was enrapt, their attention so focused on this person, that curiosity got to me and I had to see what was going on. I forced my way to the front and there sat one very obese woman with rolls upon rolls of chub. She was happily smiling and telling a story and as I said, everyone was interested in being around her. I watched her face and realized she was actually a very pretty person by what I could see of her face, so apparently, I was picking up her self acceptance of her situation and was focused more on what she could do for others, like entertain them. Later I walked on and came across another very obese woman. My own reaction and observances were very different. I was surprised to feel like I did not want to approach her or befriend her, something felt off about her. She felt like she was not happy with her life and waiting for a person to come in and change it for her. It felt like too big a deal to even try to talk with her.
Well, the only one I know who can make a difference in a persons life and already loved me, before I met my sweetheart, is Jesus. He helped me change from being an introvert to the extrovert I was at the time I went to this nudist event. My life has continually changed for the better. I know most people don't want to hear anything containing the word "Jesus" so if offended, that was not my intent. Just sharing how and why it made a difference for me. See, as a kid, I always felt I had to do certain things to be accepted and liked, things and personalities I did not want to be. I wanted to be liked, or loved simply for who I was. That's where Jesus came in. He is real, I've felt him and know now that He has always loved me just as he does every human on this planet but He is a gentleman and won't force his self on anyone. To hear affirmations in my head coming from him sure helps when feeling down or disappointed.
My first husband was verbally abusive and after his yelling at me one time, I prayed and asked God if I had unknowingly said or done anything wrong. . I heard back that I had done nothing wrong and that the husband had simply imagined that my tone of voice was nasty and used that excuse in his mind to verbally attack me. So through it all, I was able to maintain a sane mind and stable emotions. Eventually God said the husband had used up all his chances and was not going to change and left it up to me whether I stayed, in which case I would die in 4 years from the stress of the abuse, or I was free to divorce and leave and so I have been able to see my girls marry and enjoy grandchildren. I did have a coping mechanism I used that a counselor told me he saw and helped me dismantle that. Otherwise, I felt ready to look for a guy that would truly love me. His character was more important than his looks but I still got the long hair on a man that I liked. My whole self was pretty stable and I could stand on my own two feet and I was willing to meet guys but if I could see that who they said they were was obviously a lie when we met in person, then I was not so desperate to have a man that I would put up with just about anything just to have an unstable relationship so I could feel better about myself. Having to buy yourself flowers to feel better is one indicator that you may be trying to find one person who can be your one and all, who is the only one in your life who can fulfill all your needs. Sure I understand needs versus wants in a relationship but only a handful of things should fall on that list such as the woman wants kids so she needs a man who wants this too. Find out ahead of time, rather than two years after marriage. And it is unfair to try to force a person to change who they are so they can better meet your needs. Feeling like you have to beg people to hang out with you is another indicator that something is not right. I did not have the privilege to read any detail about home life and relationships with your family members. I gather they are not going too well but have no idea why so it would seem that you are also running from me, since there is no explanation. For example, if dad is alcoholic and mom is a toxic person who verbally abuses you, I would understand not wanting to be around them and would in fact suggest that you leave. But as I stated, I do not know enough of the situation other than the sharing of a room which sounds more like an economic situation, what the parents can afford, and thus no other place to put you. The way you stated your occupation, it did not seem you were too happy about that either. And I do not understand your need to live in other countries. A college age person traveling the world, seeing what they can before they settle down and marry and raise kids is very understandable but it seems you are traveling not to see places but to find a man. Yes, there are more women tending to be born than men but usually, if a woman wishes to marry and raise kids, she can find someone. It would be best to find someone who can be your best friend and lover, not your only friend, but the one that knows you best and having other friends as well that you have some things in common with that perhaps your man does not have in common with you. An example would be having a girlfriend who loves to peruse the thrift stores while your man is not into that and really dislikes going and probably either refuses and goes dragging his feet with a sour look on his face the whole time while the girlfriend could do this with you for hours! My husbands humor or choice of movies for example are not mine but he knows what I like to watch and will mention a movie that he knows I will like, even if its not his cup of tea. I don't know what else to say Hon, so I will end here and if you have anything else you'd like to share that may be helpful, you can choose my column from list of columnists, dragonflymagic and write to me from my column.
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