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I am horrified I might be a bad person
Me and my sister (both teenage girls, she is 2 years older than me) were shopping together with our mother the other day. I looked at her ass with no actual thought in it, just observing what was around me basically, but my brain started to fixate on the fact that I did that and I started internally yelling at myself for it, but because I was thinking about it I kept looking at her ass over and over. It really did not mean anything, I don’t look at people in that way because I really don’t care but I’m so scared that I am disgusting, that I might subconsciously be attracted to my sister even though I know I’m not and the idea grosses me out. I feel so horrible for looking there, she’s my sister, I never should have looked even though there was no thought in it. My thoughts are worse about this because I’m a lesbian, but I’m not attracted to bodies like that and I wasn’t looking at her in that way. I feel so disgusting and like a monster, I feel like I violated my sister by looking. When I think of my sister now I just think of her ass not because I want to think of it but because I’m so mortified at the fact that I did this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my family about this obviously because how do I even bring something like this up?? Please I need advice or reassurance or anything, am I really a bad person? I didn’t mean to do anything bad. I’m not attracted to her at all, I was literally just looking around but then I hyper focused on the fact I looked there and then I couldn’t stop looking because I was thinking about it. I feel so gross and terrible, I want to lock myself in my room forever, I’m so scared I might do it again I feel like a horrible sister. Please help me
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If "bad" here means malicious or evil, then the answer is no.
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Hello. Sometimes we do things with no specific intent in mind but our brain takes it incorrectly and we are forced into "correcting" the situation. It is very normal for the eyes and the brain to zone out, I think that is what you were experiencing. The fact that you were staring at your sister's butt does not make you a bad person. The guilt you feel ensures that you are a good person. Bad people do not question themselves or think about their actions.
The reason you think of her butt when you think of her is because you have associated your past actions with her. She is your sister. You are not attracted to her. These are facts. You are a lesbian but that does not mean you feel attracted to every woman.
I suggest you talk to her normally, and joke around but start small. Maybe offer her a sandwich or ask her a question. During these moments, force yourself to think about other things, like what she is saying or anything else. the guilt you feel is what is troubling you. There is no reason to feel guilty because you did not have any negative or any intention in mind. Please do not be so hard on yourself.
I wish I saw this earlier so I apologise for the late answer. I hope this was helpful.
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A thought was put into your head, and the more you focused on what occurred, the more guilty you felt which is how the mind works. And likely this was the result that was wanted but I can't go any further into this as I have certain beliefs, spiritual, that I believe and would explain to you if you gave me permission to do so. I would not expect you to accept and conform to what I believe but keep an open mind and hear out everything from my perspective just as you hopefully get advice from other perspectives and then finally, you pick, choose whichever you feel led to go with. So if you do write to me again and wish to address an answer just to me rather than for the whole group to see, you can go to 'search advice columnists' on the left, find me "dragonflymagic" and post a message to me from there. Wishing you the best.
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