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Me and my ldr bf who has depression
Hello, I’m posting this for some help
I don’t know what to do, I’m usually expert in relationships but this time I have no clue.
My bf and i were friends for 7 years maybe more, and we’ve been dating for a years. He has depression and yes I knew that since I was his friend and I chose to be his gf and future wife although he told me many times that his depression makes him feel that he is not capable of getting marry. We’ve discussed this, since we are in ldr I told him not to propose unless he is sure 100% and will never hesitate about it. He came to my country and the country I’m living in is hard to enter but he made it, he proposed and I said yes. We were happy beside his episodic courses he is a gentleman and all my friends agree with it. Last time I went to his country I lived with him for about 3 months we were so happy, i always understand that he needs space when he is depressed and he got depressed only twice while i was with him which is surprising since he gets episodes more than once per month. Our plan was that he moves to my country and to get married next year we agreed on this since he proposed, but I came back to my country and he was acting weird saying my condition is bad, i wanna be alone, i did understand that he might felt overwhelmed about marriage and these stuff, i discovered that I’m the only one who doesn’t want to talk to her, he calls and meets his friends, and when I call him he says I wanna be alone, which means i don wanna talk to you right? My friends told me he was with u all the time and suddenly you r not there of course he will feel bad and don wanna talk to you , and honestly I felt the same, i felt so weird to get back to ldr i cannot imagine that he is 15 hours far from me, i wanna be with him and I felt i don wanna talk to him manny times it felt so weird. The problem was I knew that its just temporary and I’ll get back to normal, but he didn’t. He said to me , babe I just wanna breakup i don feel happy, i wanna be alone forever, you need to meet someone who truly makes you happy, i dont. I felt that he is so depressed thats why he said so, he was a little angry and he was drinking when he talked to me ( he was never rude to me) I asked him r you drunk he said no!!! He said i wanna live with what I want to . I told him that I do understand what he feels and I’ll not leave you and I’ll come to you just wait me. I’m planning to go there in December, I cannot go earlier I hope if I can, he did not talk to me since he told me about the breakup which is about two weeks. Is it really his depression or he truly wants to breakup? How can I know ?
Please i need your advice , help me.
Should i talk to him or just live him be?
Excuse my English its my second language
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Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate it. I got your idea and that exactly what I was thinking, I cannot handle marring him while he is suffering from depression so I decided If he did not get the treatment I won’t marry him.
Yes, he saw many doctors and they gave him medication each time he visits a new dr he says the same thing, just take these medications and u will be fine. He told me that he took the medications but non of the it helped him to overcome the depression so he said i cannot trust any doctor anymore. His Doctors were bad, they just gave him medications but did not listen to him, i think he needs both medications and someone to talk with who can get him out of this situation, I searched recently about cognitive behavioral therapy and I told him about it, but he is not convinced saying that my situation has no answer and I will just leave like this forever. He has been suffering from depression for about 7 years or less as he said, but I think he had some kind of mental illness before, since he told me every time he gets depressed he keeps thinking about his abusive father and how he was physically abused by him in his childhood. I don know how to convince him to go, as I said i came back to my country so we don’t see each other but I’ll go to him in December. i just sent him a message saying how u doing? But he didn’t read it.
And about the medication, he was taking one before I go, but he stopped it. So when I was with him i gave him the medication by myself and as I said he did not have episodic coures as much as he did before. The problem is i don know if being in ldr affecting his depression or not, or he truly doesn’t love me anymore
Thank you again for your answer
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You did very good explaining in English, so thank you. What you did not tell me is if he has seen a Doctor for his depression and had it verified and a medicine given to him to help him lose the depression. There is depression that can be a situation, an event that is too hard for a person to handle emotionally and they become depressed but usually are not so, this kind is easy to treat oneself, I know because my daughter saw a Dr. once and he gave her a list of things to do that helped her get over it. This does not sound like the kind of depression your boyfriend has, since he has had it at least to your knowledge, all the time you have known him and before. That would be what is called clinical depression in the U.S. This means that the body does not create the needed feel good hormones in his brain and so he will need to take a medicine with substitute man made hormones that act the same as the ones his body does not create.
I can not tell you what his answer to you will be once he is free of his depression but seeing a Doctor is a must. What you have heard him say about breaking up and you deserve better is coming from a mind controlled by depression so you are right that you can not trust what he is saying now. However, once on medication, he should be able to truthfully let you know if he loves you enough to want to marry you. I know you will think that if he loved you before, that after medication, he will still love you. My first marriage was to a man who had mental illness but was high functioning enough that people outside the home did not see it. He was desperate to hide it and appear more normal to society and figured that marriage, having kids, owning a home, for some examples, would help. So he married me but from the start, due to his mental illness, believed all females, including his own mother would abandon him someday. When it didn't happen, he would treat me really bad just to get me to the point of having enough so i would leave. It was affecting my physical health, the stress of it and I decided it was time to leave. He refused to go to treatment after seeing a Doctor once. He kept denying his problem.
I told you that story only for the part of how much he wanted to appear normal like any other man. So while your man is depressed and untreated by a doctor, he may have felt like you were his savior in a manner of speaking, that you being with him would make his life feel more normal. And he could easily love you for it, but that might not be the kind of love needed for a healthy long lasting relationship such as marriage. Most people who are depressed and do not receive medical help and counseling, do end up ending their lives by suicide. Relationships or marriages to a partner who is mentally ill and doesn't take their prescribed medication or refuses to see a doctor for that, do end up splitting up at some point. I personally know many couples where this has happened. So you working things out to be with him and if you could convince him to marry without him getting medical help, could very well end up in disaster.
So I recommend you wait it out, keep encouraging him to see a doctor. If he can't afford it, has no medical insurance, then he can always look into going to clinics for free medical help. Without help, I would not recommend you pursuing him.
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