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Conflicted feelings over two girls
Hello!
So, I need some advice on how to determine my feelings for two people. These two people are girls (I am a guy, 16), and they are both in the category that I consider romantic interest. I'll try to be brief, but it's important to know the context. The most important bit is the last paragraph and the 2 questions after.
The first (we'll call her Cat) was my first romantic interest ever. I met her in my Freshman year of High School, and I adored everything about her. Cat was a distant friend the first Semester because we didn't have any classes together, but she became a very close friend in the second Semester up to the point that we "dated" for about a month. I use those quotes because we never actually said that we were dating. I screwed up pretty hard with her because I didn't know how to communicate and was not confident or proud of myself. We ended our "relationship" almost entirely and remained at a distance from doing too much together despite agreeing to be friends.
Fast forward to this year, I am a Sophmore in High School who is a very different person than last year. Over the summer, I detached myself from Cat and decided that I would do everything I could to improve my image to myself alone, which was a great success. It just so happens that within the first month of school, a popular yet divisive Freshman (we'll call her Fox) fell for me in a Theatre class. I fell for her too, but I was able to navigate our relationship to success; we've been dating without a label (but highly inferred) for the past 3-4 months.
The problem is this: even though I thought our relationship was over, I think Cat is interested in me again. She's started to talk to me in a friendly manner (the way she did when we met), presented open body language, and she even has a new job at a cafe that only I ever go to. I'm almost sure that she knows Fox and I are dating, so I'm not sure why she's doing what she's doing.
However, I still kinda have a thing for Cat. She was my first romantic interest that only failed because of my shortcomings. In opposition to that, I still like Fox too; we're only growing closer as time goes on, which is something that I couldn't experience with Cat. I'm not sure about my feelings for either of them anymore.
How do I determine my feelings for them both?
How should I carry on?
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This will be long but a simple short answer will not train with with a skill you need for life in how to go about dating, who to choose, etc.
You know, it may not be shortcomings as much as it is about a new phase in life, interest in girls and dating after going through puberty. There is no instruction manual with all the explanations to figure out the opposite sex and understand when a behavior is a common trait in almost all of people of one sex or the other. So yes, often guys will say or do something that makes logical sense to them but females hate it thinking it was something done due to deep down hateful or uncaring attitudes. Females will drive males crazy always wondering what they mean or what to expect from a females behavior, or that their feelings can flip on a dime practically.
So it is important to have the friend factor in there. Not friends as in being classmates, friendly to each other when meeting in certain places together but real friendship, which many folks do not have any idea any more what it is. They even call enemies friends just because they know of them. A true friend cares about you, will support you, not tear you down, is someone who will keep your secrets, who will look out for you and your best interests, is always there for you, is someone you can count on when you need a helping hand, builds you up with compliments, and just loves to hang out with you.
I say it is best to start as friends and then move into the romance part after giving the friendship a chance to gel. The only difference between just friends and dating partner or a marriage is that there is romantic chemistry. This chemistry isn't available in all people or is lots weaker in some so you can't just pair up with someone and have chemistry with everyone who is interested in you and likewise you won't feel this chemistry with all females. When I mention chemistry, I am not talking solely of lust which is different from love. Females tend to wan to skip friendship and go straight to romance with guys. I was only friends with guys in HS, never dated til after HS. I spent time trying to understand guys well and even that was not enough. I still made a mistake and married the wrong person for me at a young age.
As for Cat, it is possible she has questions in her mind if things could have turned out. One month is not much of a chance to become friends if not something more. You may even wonder the same. When you have a casual friend, you may have them for a year. A very close friend though is someone you've hung with for way more than a year, usually 2 or more years. Since you didn't even have 6 months to a year with Cat, you and her never really got a chance to see if things would work out between you.
Now on the other hand, I am going to take a guess that in theater class, you and her were acting, practising roles. So if she fell for you and you for her, it certainly wasn't the friendship and personalitys you both fell for. You both were attracted at the very least to a person because of a role they were acting or how they portrayed that role, which may not even come clsoe to resembling who you are at core. At least this is a possibility to think of. Most likely, at this age group, it is teens falling for each other only because of one half of the equation, just how attractive they look. Maybe the smile, laugh and how the voice sounds but that is usually all there is to the attraction. Don't get me wrong, it is important to be attracted to a persons looks. A woman who is asked to marry a guy is going to expect him to only be interested in her looks, no matter how they may change over the years. See, the eventual end result of couples getting together is sex and lust, or sex and love. When love is missing, I mean being in love with, then it is too easy to toss someone aside if you are not in love with the complete package, inside and out. Why am I telling you this? YOu only wanted to know which one to choose and concentrate on or wether to just be friends with both or something else.
Well, I can tell you that it is best to start practicing and learning what I will share next abut how to find the right girl for you. Its not just about having a date and having fun. You can also be learning things along the way that will help you in the future when you are ready for a long term partner or marriage. Yes, thats a long way off but its actually a good idea to do what I will share with you now. It will help you in deciding which female is best for you. Always, you date and if you find things you don't like about a behavior or characteristic of a girl, then you move on and never settle for less, each person you date should be an improvement. There will be things you didn't realize were important to you such as her being more like you if you are quiet and she's quiet or you're a chatterbox and she is as well. Being opposites on this, will kill interest pretty quick.
So here is what I did after a divorce to find a new mate. It worked tremendously and I am very happy. You can use aspects of what I share in this document I paste in to help you decide what girls to date now. If you guessed wrong, then you break up and check out the other one to see if you could be interested. This info works for males as well although this doc is addressed to female who ask this question more often than males. SO just think the opposite if it says he when it should mean she for you. Here it is:
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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