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I Miss My Uncle
Please forgive me if this ends up being a bit long, but there's quite a bit I'd like to get off of my chest if no one minds. I have a great uncle (Grandma's brother) with whom I used to be extremely close. His name is David and the two of us shared a very special relationship at one time.
My Uncle David and my grandmother were always each other's best friend when they were young. I shared a very close relationship with my grandmother as well while she was alive She and my grandfather lived within walking distance of my mother, my sister, and myself when I was young and we saw them on a daily basis. I used to love when Uncle David would come for a visit and I would get a chance to sit and listen to him and my grandmother tell funny stories about their childhood. Having the opportunity to get to know a distant uncle so well and form such a special bond with him was something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
After my grandmother passed away in 2008, Uncle David still came to visit and he made me feel favored among my other relatives. I didn't know why for a couple of years, but he eventually let me know that it was because I reminded him of my grandmother more so than any other relative we had. You cannot imagine how much this meant to me. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She was incredibly kind, loving, selfless, compassionate, and empathetic. She had a heart of gold and was truly the greatest human being I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. To be told that I was like her at all would've been enough of a compliment, but to be told that i remind him of her, especially more so than anyone else in the family, was indescribably flattering.
All of my life, I've felt rather overshadowed by my older sister. Many of my extended relatives have always paid far more attention to her than to me simply because she's older. They call me by her name, they misremember stories about me as being about her, they are always more interested in her life than in mine, and they're always making observations about her and only her resemblance to our other relatives. I tend to feel a bit invisible at times, but Uncle David always made me feel important and loved. This was something else for which I will always be immensely grateful.
Unfortunately, Uncle David has been stricken with Alzheimer's disease and has suffered progressive memory loss at an alarmingly fast rate. I know this is terrible, but I haven't seen or even spoken with him in about four years. I fear that if I attempt to contact him, he won't remember who I am. I do worry greatly that I have been completely expunged from his memory and learning that would be devastating to me, as would seeing someone I love and admire so much in such bad condition.
However, at the same time, I've been feeling more and more lately as if I need to see him soon. I strongly feel that I need to get back in touch with him and be of more help to him in dealing with his condition. I've stayed away all of this time because I feared he wouldn't remember me and I didn't think there was anything I could do for him anyway. I felt as though seeing him would not do anyone any good anyway. He would likely have no idea who I was, so it wouldn't mean anything to him and seeing him in such bad shape and knowing for certain that he's forgotten me would only hurt me, so I felt a need to stay away. Now, I feel like I've done the wrong thing and should have put my fears aside long ago and just gone to see him anyway.
Please pardon my selfishness, but I would love it if Uncle David could see what all has been happening in my life since we last saw each other. I am a writer and I'm insanely close to reaching my dream of having a novel published. Hardly anyone was prouder of me when it came to the fact that I wanted to be a writer than Uncle David. He wanted so badly for me to email him some of my stories. He'd ask me to do so almost every time I saw him, but I kept procrastinating and never got around to actually doing it. The thing is, I've always been very self conscious about my writing. I have to get up a lot of courage to let anyone read anything I've written because I have a tendency to regard everything I write as garbage. Now, I understand that it is normal for writers to feel that way, but in the past, I felt that if I thought it was garbage, then it must be garbage. This was one reason I never sent Uncle David anything I wrote, but I feel bad now as I know that no matter how bad anything I wrote actually may have been, he'd have never seen it as being bad at all. He'd have thought it was wonderful even if it was absolutely atrocious. I know he would have enjoyed it anyway and that he'd love to read the books I've been writing and trying to get published lately, but I worry it's too late now.
I'd also like to introduce him to my family. I would love him to meet my darling children of whom I am extremely proud. I recently had a new son named Henry. I had hell trying to think of a middle name for Henry because the only ones I liked that I thought were a good fit were already taken. Then, I finally came up with one that I could not believe I hadn't thought to use sooner, which was Henry David. There has never been another person in my life with whom I've shared a relationship like the one I shared with Uncle David. Therefore, with the exception of my mother and grandmother, there's no one after whom I'd rather name a child. I know it would mean a lot to him to know that I did so, or at least it would have in the past. However, if he doesn't remember me, it probably won't mean anything at all.
I'm really sorry for the length of this question, but I do appreciate your taking the time to read it and I will greatly appreciate any advice I might get. Absolutely any advice on what I should do now would be of tremendous help to me. Thank you again.
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I am familiar with Alzheimers. A woman I still consider a mother in law though I am divorced from her son, has Alzheimers. I saw her 4 years ago and she was having a good day when I visited. Her oldest son is doing all the care giving for her in their home, husband is alive but in late 90s so he can't help much. I was told she can't remember anyone now and having too many people over at once is too stressful for her. So since my last visit, visits have been restricted to just her sons seeing her now and even that is crazy as I have spoken with my ex often and he says last time he was there, she asked what his name was and then said she'd like to introduce him to her friend who was her oldest son. My adult daughters would love to see her and one did get a chance to go with her dad to visit and reported to me that Grandma did not remember her at all.
What I have learned is that there is no chance of such a person remembering anything you say even if they somewhat remember you. Or early on, when confused, the person will smile and take cues from others, and pretend they know you because they are too embarrassed they don't know who you are. Unless you are with him 24/7, you are not going to catch him at a very random short period of time when he might remember you. So you have to know that if you do go to see him, you can share all the things you want, but you have to reconcile in your mind that you are not doing this for him anymore. Visiting a relative with Alzheimers is more for the family members sake than for the afflicted one. So if you want to see him, do go. But do not expect that all you tell him will make any sense, let alone if he remembers you at the moment. I know I can't have my last visits with mother in law because even in a clear moment, if that were to happen, she would likely not retain it since there is also extreme short term memory loss. This would be like you going to a file on your computer expecting to see the data you saved, to go over it again but there is nothing there . It was personal stuff, only that you knew but now its not there. No matter how hard he may try, he may not be able to access his memories. I do hope you catch him at a good time, a good day, but be prepared for much worse. You might have to introduce yourself and smile and be okay with him thinking you are a new friend rather than a relative who reminded him of his sister, your grandma. You will have to ask those who care take him as to what is okay to talk about and what would distress him. What if he gets easily distressed from being asked over and over, ' Don't you remember …...” You may not be able to tell him what you want to tell him in a visit and it sounds like you have a lot to share with him. Telling him what you wish to say may have to wait until he has passed over. See, it's the same for me. And this is my only glimmer of something to look forward to, being able to talk to her soul, because I do know the deceased go to visit their loved ones left behind. Most likely he and grandma will come visit you as a pair often, especially since you were the most special to him. I am sorry if you do not believe in the here-after but I do and it is a great comfort to me to know that even though I haven't seen my grandma and both my parents in a long long time, that until the great reunion when my time has come to pass over, I can talk to them anytime and they can hear. Why is that possible? Because they are no longer attached to a mortal body that is diseased, damaged, too old. A spirit can hear and see all. Remember this for when he has passed on. That will be your time to finally tell him all, and he will be able to observe you and your children and will know you gave a son his name for a middle name. Just start talking to him whether out loud or in your mind. I do believe a main form of communicating is messages sent to each others minds. That is how I have heard God answer when I talked to him and God is also spirit form. So if you mentally ask your Uncle David to come to listen to you share your books with him, you can believe he will be listening. The reading, I would do out loud as if you were reading to him with him sitting in the room. This is good for you, helping you so you don't feel guilt that you didn't share stuff with him before Alzheimers. Better real late than never to talk to him in detail when he is actually hearing and understanding everything you say.
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