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how to support sad boyfriend?
how do I support and help my boyfriend who is sad and depressed. he says he's very depressed because little things is not going right in his life. we've been together for few months but known for a year. he's a good boyfriend plus we normally talk everyday but in a few days certain things has failed so he says he don't feel like texting or talking and he hardly communicates with me and I'm his girlfriend instead I'd have to initiate the conversation but he barely talks considering he's chatty boy. how do I support him? should I stop texting him more often? we love each other very much. I just want him back like he used to. we're both in our early 30's. please could I have short and simple answers? thank you all
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
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Ask yourself this question, in the year you've known him and the few months you've been dating, he has been sad and depressed to some degree, just not as bad? Or has he been happy go lucky as a person until the recent string of events?
I am glad you gave the age because if in teen age years, if it was clinical depression which means his body is unable to create the 'feel good hormones' his brain needs, then he will need to be put on medication which is a synthetic version of the hormones our bodies create. Clinical depression can show up in childhood but more often happens during teens and takes a person a while some times to realize there is something wrong and see a Dr. to discover what.
The way you wrote makes it sound as if he only became depressed due to a string of events. This would be situational depression, caused by situations in ones life that are so big they are overwhelming. The feel good hormones his body is able to make are used up much faster than he can produce them. When the levels of these hormones are too low or another way of saying too low is to say the levels are depressed, he will not feel good and feel as bad as a person with clinical depression.
When one daughter of mine got dumped by a boyfriend when she was in her early 20s, she became depressed and couldn't snap out of it. She of course was focusing her thoughts on him on her loss and since that was all that took up her daily thoughts, there was no way to get better.
I already knew what would help with situational depression and told her. But hey, I'm just Mom, so what do I know, right? She did not take my advice but through work had one covered visit with a psychologist. So she went to see him and since he recognized it as situational depression, and since further visits were not covered, he gave her a list of things to do that will help to raise the levels of these hormones again in her body so she'd feel good again. She was shocked to discover his list was the same as the one I gave her.
So I know this is psychologist approved and it won't hurt to try this first, if you can convince him to do it. Tell him you did some research on the internet. Write down this list on a sheet of paper and give it to him. He really needs to apply himself to it, even when he initially doesnt feel like it. It won't cure his problems that caused the depression in the first place but will bring him back to a point where he can find ways to deal with the problems.
This is the best support you can give him, telling him and participating in some of this stuff.
1. Hugs. Look up hugging for feel good therapy on the net. We're talking the real bear hugs, not the quick, non body contact hover close and pat the back once, nor are we talking of the sideways arm across the should type of hug. I know from experience, those won't start the feel good hormones being released in your body. It takes a full frontal hug that lasts more than the usual 2 seconds. People tend to squirm and fidgit trying to stop a hug that gets to 7, 8 seconds because they begin to feel something they don't understand and think its because they just feel uncomfortable. What is happening is that the body is releasing a flood of feel good hormones, and it has nothing to do with liking or loving someone. You can get hugs from strangers and get the same effect. Experts recommend receiving 8 hugs per day to stay stress free or free of depression.
2. Laughter. Of course we don't feel like laughing when depressed. Neither do I, but I also don't like the feeling of being depressed and have naturally gravitated to things that make me feel better and a good comedy movie or comedian act will do it. However it works best if it is my style of humor so keep that in mind, what is his style of humor and keep going through the choices of comedies available to watch with him so he can truly do the belly ache laugh.
3. Movement: This one covers a big area. It can be simply running or jogging, dancing, any kind of movement. Some feel good after hard work same as after a work out at the gym. The feel good hormones are released in movement. It wasn't enough for me, it had to make me feel free like a kid again. So I tried skipping like I used to do as a kid. I chose a quiet street without much traffic so I didn't have to worry about an audience. When i started skipping, I began to laugh because at first I felt silly and then thought how odd it must look for someone my age, but I stubbornly kept doing it and I kept laughing as I skipped. I only went the length of a block but I already felt fantastic, it worked that quick on me.
4. Music: A doctor would simply say to listen to uplifting music or your favorite songs but that doesn't explain it well enough. there is a feeling you want to go for and it has nothing to do with the lyrics but with the melody, the tune only. I would like you to try it to so you can explain it to him from experience. What to do is go through all of your favorite songs and find the melody that makes your heart feel as light as a balloon as if it is floating high and will float right out of your chest. This means the melody is one that makes your body release the feel good hormones. You don't have to be depressed to feel this. All it does is add to the level of feel good hormones already there. If I feel weighed down by too many disappointments, not even depressed yet, I will put my favorite song on repeat and listen to around 5 times in a row. There are a few that effect me this way but my favorite is Clocks by Coldplay. The melody that works for one person may not produce same results in the next, so look for that light floaty feeling in your heart.
This short list will jump start the production of feel good hormones again. It is a good practice to keep up with this kind of thing regularly because stress in life doesn't stop, it bombards us every day even in something like having to suffer being in bad traffic. So if not daily, at least weekly to do some of these things.
Some lists are longer and include meditation or reviewing what you are thankful for. While these are also important, in reality they did not jump start the levels of hormones but only helped in maintaining levels that were already up.
This is how you can support him, sharing these ideas with him and volunteering to go through experiencing them with him.
It after a week or two of really applying himself to these things daily, he is not better, then he may want to go see a professional and be checked for clinical depression. Good luck hon.
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The short & simple answer is just to be there for him. Let him know you care & are there to listen if he wants to talk about anything. Back off a bit if he doesn't feel like talking, it isn't you.
Next, is he seeing a doctor abut his depression? If not he should. They can put him on medication that with a little time can have him feeling a lot better.
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