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How to handle sleepovers now that I know my kids are gay
My 12 year old son and daughter (fraternal twins) recently came out as gay. Of course, I'm happy that they felt comfortable sharing this information with my husband and I and we both want to be supportive.
I admit though that I'm a little lost when it comes to the issue of sleepovers. When I was a kid, I never would've been allowed to sleep over at a boy's house for obvious reasons. I'm just not sure that those reasons apply here. I don't know if any of their friends are gay or maybe questioning. But if that were the case, are there any good reasons for not allowing same sex sleepovers if it may lead to experimentation?
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They are 12 and barely starting puberty. There may be a misunderstanding here important for you to discover which it really is. Some kids feel from birth that they are the opposite gender of the body they are born into. This is what Drs. agree on that kids will know from an early age like toddlers already. A male gendered child will want to pick clothes out in the girls section and play with girl toys while the girl wants to cut her hair short, wear boy clothes and do things boys do. This is called transgender and has nothing to do with being gay. Drs call it Gender Dysphoria. Heres an article on it:
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The kids said they are gay. It's too early to know that yet. It is safer tho for girls to explore their sexuality due to the hormones that may be appearing, or boys with the same sex. I know what I thought of myself at the age compared to how I am like now are very different. No comparison. Thing is we change so vastly in just the HS and college years alone, not to mention childhood. So I wouldn't consider it a for certain thing.
Being Gay means that sexually, you are only attracted to the same sex. Being bi is attracted to both.
Being transgender doesn't mean you are automatically gay.
So what I have for you is to read up on transgender. Then due to the fact your kids may have hid how they have always felt like the opposite sex, ask some questions along those lines to rule that out. If it turns out they are transgender, you will need to be part of family support groups. There is a lot on the internet about this.
I have my own theories which take into effect having lived previous lives. Our soul is made to forget most everything in a new life. Our souls supposedly could have also lived as the opposite sex before more often than the current sex and so it feels strange because the soul is remembering too much of the sex of a past life/lives. Considering both twins feel the same, I find that really odd. I can see one having feelings of not sure if gay or transgender but both? I have an wild imagination and the first thing that popped into my mind was that the soul meant to go to the son went into the daughter and vice versa which would not create a feeling they are gay but from an early age, that they are the opposite sex. If I'm right and its a soul remembrance thing, there is nothing than can be done to switch how a person sees their gender. All we can do is learn as much as we can how to support them. And if truly transgender, then your children can become depressed very quickly to see their bodies change into the opposite gender of how they feel. So find out because if this is true for them, you need to find medical support staff who have experience with and work with transgender kids and its mostly talks at this point but can soon involve inhibiter drugs so breasts and facial hair don't grow. good luck.
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I agree with Advice Man at 12-years-old hormones and puberty changes haven't really happened yet. They may be gay and they may not. It's very early in the game to fully have figured out something as monumental as one's sexual prefence. I would have a lot of dialogue with them to see why they have made this assertion or if someone or some experience has made them think this.
Sleepovers are normal and if you placed rules against experimentation due to bullying, regrets later, parents against it etc or if peers use it against them it should be fine. However, kids do and will experiment regardless of whose roof they are under. It would be best if you did what you could to have them under your roof and aware of it and them being careful if really concerned.
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How you handle the sleep over question is one thing. The bigger question is at 12 years old do they really know they are gay or are they putting a tag on their sexuality before they even know what their sexuality is?
We receive many questions on the issue of AM I GAY. Doctors and scientist now agree that gay is how a person is born and not something they wake up and decide they are. If your children where born gay you would have possibly seen evidence to this as early as 4 or 5 years old. They would have felt they were different from others at about the same age.
It is very easy for kids to be labeled these days for many different reason. While it is good of you and your husband to be accepting of this I suggest you sit down with them and ask them about why they feel they are gay and how they come to believe they are gay. I would say there is better then an 80% chance someone has talked into to believing their gay.
It is also very normal at this age to sexually experiment with people of their own sex. For the girl it is safer as she cannot get pregnant. For the boy it is matter of relieving sexual tension and practicing for the real thing. IT does not make them gay or even bisexual. So talk to them and help them understand their sexuality before the label causes them problems neither you or they want.
To answer your question about same sex sleepovers. I would say go ahead and allow it. At this age they should be experimenting and doing so within their own sex is normal. Better to let them think they are getting away with something while your home incase feelings get hurt and there is a fight.
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