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In the “talking stage”
Hello! I’m currently a senior in college and I’m 21 years old. i’m currently seeking advice that relates to a guy I’m currently talking too who is also in college and is 22. Basically we started talking a little over a month ago and met on Tinder. I actually had made a tinder because I was bored not because I wanted a hook up. Turns out I messaged him first and we really hit it off. And we eventually started texting. So far we have been on two days and they both have been really great and he said I made a good impression. The only issue is that he isn’t a big texter. He was honest with me and told me that he isn’t on his phone a lot and he responds to me sometimes 5-6 hours later. But when he does respond he aplogizes for responding back so late. Anyways, I’m really interested in him and really would like to spend more time with him. i’m afraid to tell him that though because I don’t want to come off as clingly or desperate. Also we haven’t really talked about what either of us are looking for. I know that he doesn’t want to hook up but how do I bring up that conversation without scaring him off" Also is it too early to ask him if he’s interested in me" Maybe I’m just over thinking it....
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If he didn't like you why would he be talking to you on a dating site. He could have just not replied.
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I'm another older person and unlike adviceman, got divorced. I am now married to a wonderful man for 8 years so I did internet dating profile before that to meet him and can give you my story. People are all different enough that what works for one may not work for another but there are some truths that remain the 'same for all' and I will let you know with that phrase. I have no problem with the female making first contact. I did that on occasion. I have no problem with internet site as a way to meet someone. What I do have a problem with is that people stay in the internet followed by phone calls or texts for too long or forever and that will cause the following problems:
Trust can't develop, the relationship only has emotions invested in it, like the ones you feel at a particularly sad movie and once its over, you're back to your happy self even if you shed tears. And lastly, no guarantee that there will be chemistry and without it, no matter how well you enjoy how they think it will be the straw that broke the camels back. Think of all the kisses you've ever gotten. Some great, some not as great and maybe even a kiss that brought on revulsion in you. Peoples pheromones have a play here. The more alike your pheremones, the stronger the attraction and bond you will forge, the less there is, the more so so the relationship is meaning it has its good points but has an equal measure of bad points. And if no pheremones alike at all, romance, kissing and sex will all be bad, gross and it will have nothing to do with technique in the end. I say all this to explain how important it is that the two of you meet in person a few times to determine if there's pheremone connection as well as emotionally in chat or the web.
Adviceman is right, that when two people are ready to commit to a relationship, you'll know in 3 or 4 dates. A guy who dates but isn't ready to commit to one woman, will not make any mention to confirm the relationship in some way by that time. Both the husband and I had been married previously to not very nice people. We'd learned by our mistakes, we had matured as people and so after a week of phone calls nightly, we met in person and on the third week, we knew we'd found who we wanted to be with the rest of our lives and he asked me to marry him.
Dating is mostly for discovering the person you want to commit to life long whether with or without a marriage certificate. Those who date years on end without any commitment are either using the other as a social pal to go out with to movies or events with, or they are co-habitating partners or friends with benefits but internally in one or both, there is no commitment in ones mind and heart to the other. This is why females are shocked when a bf or husband finds it easy to have affairs when she assumed they had a commitment. No, a marriage proposal or contract is worthless unless the commitment is there in a persons heart and mind and you'll know the difference by how they treat you.
All good healthy relationships have two things in common, they are best of friends and they are both each others sexual equal. My ex had low libido and I had high and there were other problems as well. But there's nothing wrong with becoming friends first. So don't even worry about romance and kisses and more yet. You need to hit it off as friends spending time together in person, before moving on to the rest. Sometimes it seems to happen simultaneously but at some point two people realized in one or two meets that they already are acting like best of friends. Some people your age grow up with all this technology unlike my generation and get stuck in it, never moving on to face to face relationships and I don't mean video chat via electronics either.
So what needs to happen is that the two of you meet as friends. If your focus is first on finding a male you can be best friends with, then that's the place to start and no one even a male will assume you are clingy or desperate for just wanting to hang out with a friend. If not meeting first time face to face but in internet, then the only thing that can determine if the male remains a male friend or moves on to lover as well is whether he feels any chemistry with you, the kind needed to become lovers. You can love a friend non sexually and give a kiss greeting in hello, goodbye with out there being chemistry for becoming lovers. Think of it, how many times you got hugs from male family members, even kisses and it didn't mean anything else.
Invite him to some event in the area. Lets say you both have an interest in rocks and theres a rock and gem show coming up. You ask if he'd like to go to something like that with you. If you have no idea what things you might have in common, guess. Maybe during the holidays, a nearby mall has a free christmas concert or nearby high schools putting on a christmas play. It doesnt have to be real expensive. When you have the right person, what makes life more fun and exciting is having that special someone to experience it along side you, even if its the mundane stuff like grocery shopping. Other than a run to get one item forgotten or needed, I shop with my husband because we want to do it togehter. Makes the ho-hum task more fun having your sweetheart with you and wanting to be with you. This is what you are likely looking for. So discover as friends, what you enjoy doing together.
I will say, out of 4 dates, you shouldn't be initiating all 4. He needs to show equal interest in discovering if you are right for him or not and as I explained, theres things he can't know til he meets you. So if he can't find the willingness to invite you to an equal number of events at the very least, then he's a fool because he can't totally know if he's going to be interested in you and so its not worth wasting the time with him. These are personality traits you can't pick up through Tinder site but learn along the way. So don't be hard on yourself, just realize at what point he isn't showing interest in taking equal part and move on.
If he is willing to still see you after 3, 4 times and he initiated those dates, then there is some interest on his part. This is the point at which it is perfectly normal if not very important to discuss each others expectations, what you're looking for, and setting boundaries. Of course I was older when meeting single guys my age after a divorce, but the importance of what I just mentioned was just as valid. In fact, once met online, I always scheduled a face to face at a coffee shop, no big investment like a dinner. And since we're not stuffing our faces, it was easier to talk. They already knew from my dating profile what I described myself as, the strengths and weakness, like a resume for the most important job in your whole life. You need to be able to understand yourself before you can know what kind of traits you Need in a guy. Taking myself as example, the ex was verbally abusive and had a temper. So I required a man who had control of his emotions, wouldn't raise his voice to me, wasn't judgemental and would build me up verbally instead of tear me down. Don't think a man will only treat you good while talking about and treating others badly. After a coffee meet where we decided to go out on dates, the guy had fooled me so far but I was no innocent and knew what to look for. He let down his guard and showed his real self at the 3rd date, not counting coffee meet up. IT was dinner at his house he cooked. When I arrived to a spotless house, he began to make excuses for his house being a mess and used angry derogatory words to describe his maid and say hateful things about her but then talk nicely to me. Been there, done that. I knew that wherever there was a glimpse of a behavior I did not like showing through a crack in that polished self he was showing, that there would be more buried inside him just waiting to come out. It would be a matter of time before he turned that behavior on me like my ex husband. So I made a decision not to confront him, acted like nothing was amiss, for my safety and days later when he called, told him I'd given it that many dates to see if I felt different but I still didn't feel enough chemistry to make it happen. No way was I going to have another guy sending hateful messages to my phone. If you catch a guy in a lie, then he will lie again and you will never know if you c an trust him. Just a few examples of what to look for. Since you are pretty much starting out dating, and high school doesn't count in my book as real dating, thats more like playing games, you are not going to have as much experience to look back on. So along the way, if anything he says, doesn't make sense, then ask for clarification. Decide what you want in a guy and ask for it and if its not there or he changes on you somewhere early on, you tell him you're not interested and keep it that way. His being sorry won't make him change behavior. And don't take a guy because he's promised to change to be the right guy for you, do not do the same for him either. YOu have to find a person who is perfect already as they are, in case nothing changes for the better as they mature through life.
Also, many guys are not ready to think about a life long partner, wife or being a daddy in the future sometime, at his age range. Yes there are plenty guys who get married at those ages and divorced sometime after. Yes there are those like adviceman who married at that age and stayed married for life but those type of guys are fewer. If anything comes up that confuses you along the was or you feel you need more pointers, just write me because I have lots to share of all the stages along the way. Men are attracted to women who are self confident so I have a document on that to paste in, one on how to find Mr. Right,which includes a list of needs or must haves and how to go about having that to compare the guys you meet as prospects, and finally if he's saying I love you but you aren't quite sure you can trust that, I have a simple 7 question test you can answer and depending on the score, you discover whether he really truly loves you or not, or does but not enough to keep you happy and that test is based on what I've gleaned from male dating experts on you tube who gear their lessons for women to understand how a man thinks so this list is legit in being helpful. I couldn't give you a simple answer as there is much to know before you can even start down the right path is dating and relationships and I hope what I've shared will help equip you better to move ahead with this guy if he is willing to do so.
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It has been decades since I dated though I don't think the etiquette of dating has changed all that much. I would say that after the third or fourth date you could consider yourselves a couple and it would be appropriate after that to show more affection. Saying something that I really like you or I find myself falling for you is a great conversation starter to see where he is at.
If after 4 dates he is not willing to have this conversation then I would say he is just looking for companionship and you should act accordingly. Sometimes you just know when things are right. I knew after two dates the girl I was dating was the girl I wanted to marry. We dated for six months before we married.
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