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How to politely tell someone off in a tricky situation.
So I have a tricky situation I will try to explain.
26/F
I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is a great person but he does get insecure because I get a lot of attention from other men, including some "friends" that I've only ever seen as friends but that have crushes on me. Although he would never dare to ask me to cut off contact, I can tell he gets really down and sad when I hang out with these "friends" that always end up hitting on me because he is far away. Also, I personally feel uncomfortable putting myself in that kind of situation when my partner isn't there and a friend thinks its OK to flirt and try to get somewhere EVEN THOUGH THEY ALL KNOW I AM DATING SOMEONE.
So, I decided that for the guy friends that have shown me that they don't want to respect the fact that I'm in a relationship, I would take distance, at least for a time, to give myself peace of mind and my boyfriend too. However, I don't want to hurt the feelings of these friends so my question is:
How can I FIRMLY but POLITELY let them know that I do not want to see them because I am in a relationship and they cannot seem to respect that?
My dilemma is that none of them blatantly ask me out they just ask to hang out and then when we are in the social situation they will make advances. So I cant be honest and say its because they don't respect my relationship because they will take offence and deny it. These are more nuances and subtleties of flirting so they will deny the existence of it even though I can feel it.
For a more realistic example, one of these "friends" who I hung out with before and had tried to make advances, is always asking me to hang out and what my plans are and I'm always telling him I cant or I'm busy or mentioning my boyfriend. Nevertheless, he still writes and insists and asks me out he just doesn't seem to get the point. Just now he asked me what my plans for Friday night were and I want to FIRMLY and STRONGLY tell him I don't want to hang out with him so he gets the point but without being rude about it. How can I do this???
Thanks again for the help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Say things like that you love your boyfriend very much and it makes you uncomfortable when other men make advances towards you. If you like the person as a friend, you can tell him, you're cool with being friends, but hanging out alone together is inappropriate and you will not do that to your boyfriend. Like you wouldn't like your boyfriend going out alone with another woman. You will not do that to him. Ask him, "You can respect that right? So please, stop asking. I like you as a friend and your advances make me uncomfortable." Also, talking about your boyfriend and how much you love him bla bla, so he hears it and reinforces the friend zone.
I think that is a lot nicer way of going about it, rather than just telling them you're not interested in them what-so-ever.
You could put on a ring and say its a promise ring or whatever to solidify the relationship in the eyes of others and discourage advances. When any guys try to make advances towards you, point at the ring.
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Whether you are single and not interested in them or in a relationship, males should honor the fact you do not want any relationship with you.
I don't know exactly what you've told them but to me it seems they are not listening if you simply say to stop. So you have to draw your boundaries.
Then the minute they step over that line, you've let them know ahead there will be consequences for stepping over the line. This is basic stuff hon, that you will have to learn to do because its the same in parenting children, you set up boundaries and carry through on whatever consequences you have set up.
If you are not willing to carry through on promises, then people will learn you are a push over and never mean what you say and you will have trouble in life with people trying to take advantage of you.
Call and say the same to each male (so called) friend. I say so called because I believe they all are pretending to be just a friend by saying so but doing otherwise and they all believe you are too gullible and believe what they say when you should have long ago understood what was going on by their actions. A true male friend who has no sexual attraction or otherwise to you will not make advances. Its like you making advances on a guy you are not attracted to that way. Works same way for both sexes dear.
So the fact you keep calling, texting, meeting with them or answering their contacts only gives them hope they can convince you to enter a relationship with them.
If it were me, I would say, "Look I know we started out as just friends but somewhere along the way you fell for me. I have not changed, I am not attracted to you that way. I just don't feel the chemistry needed to be in such a relationship. So this is the last warning...if you still want to hang out, I will not tolerate any advances. Even if I misunderstand any action of yours for an advance, I will stop hanging with you, no longer take your calls or texts and block you. SO if you are looking for a girlfriend, it won't hurt my feelings if you cut if off right now and admit it and stop seeing me. So what will it be? Do you choose to act only as a friend, or will you cut it off now, admit defeat and go looking elsewhere?
This is not mean. Kids will tell their parents they are mean. People might even say that's mean. Its only a last measure to try to get you to cave in and give up and not hold them to your ultimatum. What this is , is simply a setting of boundaries by a confident person who is in control of their life and not allowing others to shape how your life pans out.
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