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My best friend invites me to go clubbing far away, then brings a guy?
I know she means well, but she always wants to go clubbing in a city that's an hour and a half away from me. I love dancing and wouldn't mind this if I was in a committed relationship and I was okay with a significant other driving one way and me driving back, but I'm not. I'm in that state of life where I date somebody for a short amount of time and then move on to the next guy when we figure out we're not a good match.
For example twice now I invited a guy (different guys) I'd been on 3 prior dates with. Both times I had a terrible time because as soon as we got on the dance floor the guy started acting weird and then wound up getting super drunk and I had to drive a drunk guy 90 minutes home. Both times I wound up buying my own drinks. Both times I wound up not having much fun because I had to refrain from drinking because the man couldn't control himself and I wound up DD.
Right now I'm not even dating somebody. I've only seen one guy on one date and he catfished me so I don't want to invite him.
I also don't want to drive an hour and half to go clubbing with her and whatever guy she's dating when I don't have anybody to dance with. This would also mean I need to drive myself home alone 90 minutes late at night since she's living in a different city.
I love her to death, but idk how to tell her that I'm not coming without her getting kind of upset. I just don't feel like it's fair to me. The last two times she was also supposed to be alone and it was going to be just me and her and we would get a room together so neither had to drive home that night. Then last minute she invites a guy.
Am I being too uptight? I just feel like if she's going to invite me then she shouldn't invite a guy too and vice versa knowing I have a long distance to drive to get there?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I hope I can help you decide what's best for you. The best way I know is to play a little game of imagination and lets pretrend in your mind.
So lets pretend the tables are turned. Lets say that you are in her position. You guy the SO and like to go clubbing an hour or more away. Actually, the distance doesn't matter, it could be 20 mins away. But your friend is the one who had trouble finding nice guys and has no one to go dancing with. You invite her and she accepts, not knowing that you are bringing a date. She has no SO or any other friend to keep her company when you are on the dance floor with your bf. Do you think she would be okay and enjoy herself, watching you dance or would she feel like the third wheel when out with you when she has invited someone else along. Most people are not going to like the feeling of being the 3rd wheel. NOw theres a chance he was busy and couldn't go so she invited you , then his plans changed and he accepted so now she had both of you. If this is the second time it happened, it could possibly be how the situation came about. But if she Always does this to you every time, invites you, having already had bf accept, perhaps she is not thinking of how you'll feel or assumes you will just find another jerk to ask to go out.
So knowing that most people, including your girlfriend would not enjoy herself were the tables turned, I do not find it unreasonable that you felt that way. There's no such thing as 'too' uptight or too much of any emotion because how one person feels can't be compared to how another handles the same thing,everyone has a different point of view and some things will bother some people more than others.
However there some lines of thought I have about this all, that I would think about before deciding what action to take.
The first one seems to be one you have considered, not going clubbing anymore. But you need to make this decision only because you do not like the long drive there or do not like dancing or do not like the atmosphere--where a majority of the people get stinking drunk every time. Do not stop going dancing if there is a place closer and You have decided to choose the place, and of course a better guy.
You didn't say, but I imagine that your friend doesn't live near you and lives closer to the club. So she is choosing based on what is convenient to her. If the two of you are trying to find ways to spend time together even though you are living 90 minutes apart and/or your schedules are so busy that you have a hard time finding time free to spend together, and if as you say you love your friend, then perhaps if she is only choosing clubs as a place to 'supposedly spend one on one time with you' there has to be a better choice. If this is whats going on, it's quite reasonable to have a talk and let her know that you have been hoping for one on one time alone with her and all you are getting is hanging out at a club and feeling like a third wheel. Let her know you're happy she has someone to go dancing with and you're not asking her to stop that for you, just to understand that any time you both spend together is something you do alone, just the two of you and an activity at a place that both of you agree on, not a plan she or you come up with and invites the other expecting them to like it. If she still doesnt understand, you could say that you don't find getting glimpses of her with her date to be quality time with her, that you beleive friendships need more than that to survive and you love her but want to find something other than clubbing where the both of you agree to spend time together, just the two of you. It doesn't have to be quantity of time to be satisfied, but quality of the time spent together. While on her list, clubbing may feel like QUALITY time, to you it isn't so you both need to compromise as friends. You don't have to say it word for word, but say the general things to her so she understands.
Then the next thing to tackle is how to find Mr. Right for you. I do have a document I can share if you want any pointers. Let me know.
I know how frustrating it can be these days to find a good man with whom you have chemistry and a lot in common. After a divorce in my late forties, I started internet dating, meeting the guys there and taking it to real life meetings asap. At one point, I felt I'd never find the right guy and just prayed, God, if there's no "man' worthy of me, then can you please send me an alien cloaked to look like a human. Maybe he's more advanced as a male being from another planet. LOL Yeah, I guess I watch too much Sci fi but I actually made that prayer and a few weeks later, my now current husband wrote to me. You gotta meet a lot of duds girl, before you meet your sweet heart. It sure gives me perspective, loving him even more because I know there aren't a great amount of guys like him out there. with that perspective, even little things that could irritate me easily are no big deal. Anyways, I wish you the best, no matter what you decide to do.
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