|
Advice Needed on Daughter's Online Relationship
My 19yr old daughter started an online long distance relationship with a 17yr old guy about 7months ago. They have never seen each other is person except through photos and video chats. He claims that he loves her and wants to marry her in 3yrs and move in with us. I asked her why in 3yrs and she said because that is when I graduate from college. I realized that he is waiting for her to graduate and for her to get a good paying job since she will have her degree, and then live off of her (like a gold digger). When I told her what he is planning to do is use her, she got angry and said that it wasn’t true, and that he will work and help us too. She won’t say what he wants to do as a job, as she doesn’t know. He is not planning on going to college after he graduates from high school, so what kind of a job is he wanting to get without an education. I am so worried that she is being deceived by this guy. She has never had a b/f before so I think she wants a relationship, and is tickled by it. By someone calling her a princess and saying I love you. She had told me in the past that she never wanted to get married, but now this guy has infatuated her and now she wants to marry him and says she loves him. I told her how can you love someone you haven’t seen in person, but she won’t answer me. I am worried that she is growing closer and getting deeper into this guy that has false intentions and is trying to shack up with us. I am already supporting my daughter as she attends college. I don’t need another person to support. She is a great student, has an outstanding academic record. I don’t need a teenager trying to use her, and prevent her from getting her degree, and ruin her life. What can I do to make her understand that this guy is not in love with her and is just out to use her after she graduates from college? I have raised her on my own for 19yrs so there is no father figure to get advice from.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
At the moment I'm going to suggest you not worry and just monitor the situation. LDR's rarely if ever workout especially since she is going off to college.
You say she has never had B/F before. Not all that unusual for a girl concentrating on academics in high school. College is going to be different. For one thing all freshmen are in the same boat all starting out fresh with very few if any knowing anyone else. study groups will be formed. Part of college lie is the social life on campus encourage your daughter manage her time so that she can enjoy the entire college experience.
I'm fairly certain that by the end of the freshman year this boy will be old news for a number of reasons. The most import one will be that at the moment thy are about on the same maturity level. After one year of college she will have matured much faster then him.
How do I know this? From personal experience. I could not afford college so I joined the Air Force for the College benefits. I took some course while in the Air Force and the rest when I came home. There was a war on when I served I was forced to grow up faster than my friends who went to college. When I came home on leave I had nothing in common with them. They were still school kids and I had seen things they never would see and I should never had seen, no one should.
Basically that is what is going to happen to your daughter. She is going to have life experiences he isn't having. He will stagnate while she grows and matures.
My advice for now is to stand back, don't argue with her and monitor the situation through her freshman year.
]
I agree, sounds fishy to me too.
LDRs, long distance relationship, or even any on line relationship where one hasn't met the other in person does not mean you'll be compatible when you meet. Theres only some things you can fall for a person via the screen. In reality, I went thru this after a divorce, doing on line dating. I knew how important chemistry was. Its something you can only feel in person when with the other as is pheromones that tell you. So even though I may have talked a week on phone before meeting in person, there were a handful I thought might finally be the one for me until we met in person. He was still handsome, smart with a great sense of humor but sadly, both of us would realize instantly there was no chemistry.
So that is one reason this is not a good idea.
The other, if he simply wanted to be an adult to be able to marry, then he doesn't have to wait 3yrs, only one year. So obviously, he is thinking of finding himself a Sugar Mama.
Thats the second bad part.
Third, the daughter is now an adult and you can not tell her what to do. I have adult children a few years older and i know how hard it is to get them to listen when we know from experience something is not good. Too many still learn by the school of hard knocks. All I can advise is in any situations, ask if she'd like to hear your opinion or some insights on the matter. If someone told you that something was so...you may resent it too.
We can't be 100% sure he's up to no good, but I am tempted often to say things too. I don't though. Instead of this is whats happening, I might say well theres a couple differebt ways to look at this. I do it for the column here too, leaving the final decision to the individual but giving them all the info they need to make a good decision. However some may still make a bad one thinking its good. You can't prevent that. what you do have control over is who lives in Your house. I would let the daughter know that she is welcome to live with you thru school, and after while she is starting a job and saving up for her own place. But tell her that you only extend this for her, not her bf, not even if she married, a husband. It will be her and his duty to be self sufficient.
]
More Questions: |