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Friends Bridal Party-Ex Best Friend
26/f
Hi there,
So my friend asked me to be in her bridal party which is great news but I also found out my ex-best friend whom I was friends with for 17 years, is also in her bridal party. I introduced them and they became friends which hurts me because I always imagined my ex friend to be in my bridal party. We stopped being friends when I went to college because I realized she was never there for me like I would be for her, she would never visit me when I came home from school either. So I just lashed out one day and and I feel unsupported and may be better we aren't friends. I felt bad how things ended and tried maybe 3 times to contact her to meet for coffee or something not to be best friends but to be civial again you know? and she never answered me back so I gave up, she also deleted me off of her facebook friends. Fast forward 5 years and now whenever we are in the same room, we rarely see one another but get together for our friends events. When we are in the same room we avoid each other and basically pretend the other is'nt there it's just awkward. I'm hurt by how things ended and how she didn't answer my calls, so how can I suck it up and act nice to her after how our friendship ended and pretend 17 years never existed? I'm by no means confrontational and I'll suck it up and say Hi to her since we will be seeing each other a lot but it's such an awkward situation to be in, she was my former best friend! I guess my question is how should I approach the situation? Should I pretend that everything is okay and just talk to her like I would to any normal person like nothing is wrong?
Thank you!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
It obviously bothers you greatly to write for advice. The fact she avoids talking to you probably means she still carries hurt or resentment to how you handled things. It doesn't matter how long one has been friends, friends can part ways as they grow and mature into people who no longer get along as they did when younger. This happens often during HS but more so in college or even in ones early thirties. Just because we made perfect friends in the past doesn't mean we remain close friends. She may have changed personality in some ways where you were no longer a perfect fit as a close friend. It doesn't mean you became someone terrible or theres things wrong with you. This is often why guys and gals dating only last a few dates before one or both realize that the other person just isn't as close a match as both friend and lover. This is part of life.
If I am correct and that's why she stopped hanging with you and went for the mutual friend getting married, then she made a normal choice of change to her memory. What she likely did not do is have a talk with you as a long time friend and say something to explain that she was growing closer to the other gal and has discovered that she has changed her interests, and enough change to her character that she no longer feels as close to you. Its not you but her. She would like to remain friendly towards you, acknowledging you but currently finds that 'so and so' is a better match as a close friend. SHe's ask to stay friends but not be as close.
As you can see, this is a painful thing to reveal to someone. Some peoples egos would be hard hit by such a confession. It depends on how its delivered. Those able to sense the things that our senses don't pick up on, will be able to hear the love and concern for you as a long time friend but also their sincerity in wanting you to know you are not the problem and likely give a good hard hug at the end to let you know they still care about you and didn't want you to be confused or feel bad to find her spending more time with 'so and so'.
So my analysis is that she could have said something but this kind of insight is usually learned in hind sight by going thru the experiences and realizing how it could have been handled better. Then you reacted in anger one day and said it was better if you were not friends.
That totally blew away the concept that People come into your life for a Season, a Reason, or a lifetime. Obviously, she wasn't meant to hold the position of close friend for a lifetime. She may still be occasionally in your life but the close friend part was likely only meant to be for a Season. So she is of course hurt. I can't say that if you open up conversation that she will even see that she also could have handled things better, but if you don't want to lose her totally and make this event less awkward for you and maybe her, then you will need to start up convo. And I suggest that you don't start up blaming her. Best to apologize for what happened and now that time has gone by, you realized you could have handled it all so differently. You only reacted that way out of hurt and feeling like being dumped by a close friend. You realize now that people can change enough over time so that someone who was perfect for a close friend once, may have new interests and grown into someone who doesn't make the best choice for a close friend anymore. YOu feel badly for totally shutting off all communication and just want to apologize. If you can't bring yourself to do this, then nothing will change. It still may not but at least, you will know you've apologized. She can either accept or not accept the apology and hold a grudge. You can not dictate how she will respond, that is for her to learn. Life is all about learning things all life long, lots of it, interpersonal stuff like this, interacting with other people. So if she chooses to still be cold towards you, you can know she isn't ready to learn the lesson of forgiveness yet, so just pray for her that someday she will and enjoy the wedding knowing you've finally done the right thing, apologizing.
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