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Confused and hurt..
Hi everyone. I would appreciate taking the time to read this and to understand where im coming from. Whoever replies back to this, please have an open mind and understand where I am coming from and what i am currently going through. Okay so. I’ve known this guy for 6 years, were family friends and we've always like each other. I am 23 and he is 25, we have been into each other since the beginning of time, however, it was always the wrong time. Either i felt too much and he felt too little or vice versa. Either he was in a relationship and engaged or i was in a relationship or we both wanted to be single at the wrong time and we never dated. We only knew that we had this strong bond, natural connection and something rare. Ive always said that hes the guy for me because of how hes the only guy thats come into my life that's actually stayed and he says the same thing. I had really strong feelings for this guy, more than him actually and even if i was with someone it was always him in the back of my mind. If i broke up with someone, hes somehow the person i always leaned on because we always had this "what if" between us that we never truly fulfilled because we've never been together but have always been so curious about it. Around 8 months ago, we were still talking and he kept telling me that he wanted to be with me but that I had to wait until he was ready to be in an official relationship again because he had just broken up with his 3 year fiancé that he truly loved. And that he was’t ready for anything serious but that he feels like were meant to be together and he wants to come talk to my parents soon so that we get married. I honestly had a hard time trusting him because usually I feel like he has feelings for me and never does anything about it, or that we never truly made any moves to be together, but this was the first time he talked about marriage. I said I would wait for him and was a little dramatic about it and figured that we were probably gonna end up together anyway but I wasn’t thinking so deep into it. I just learned to let it be between us. That’s how we’’ve always been, going back and fourth with one another so I figured its no big deal and if it happens then it happens. I met this guy a month after and have been with him ever since. We’ve been together for 7 months now and we have a nice relationship. He is loyal, respectful, sweet, loving, everything ive ever truly wanted in a person. Except that we come from different societies, we have different mindsets. We are inlove, and attached and for the most part we work well together, however, ive always had second thoughts in my head about the future with him because there was just always that one thing that we didn’t share, were kind of incompatable. There are just some things that I cant deny. We have this intense love for eachother, but when I hink of the future I feel like I cant see a family with this person because we are truly so different than one another. Which hurts me so much. It kills me that I am so inlove with him but feel like im not sure if we can be together for good. The thing is, we speak different langauges. I am Egyptian American and he is pure Egyptian, there are tthings in my personality that I can only express in English because I was born and raised in the states, there are things about my personality that I feel he doesn’t understand. And some things we are just different about. Now, in any Egyptian family, marriage is a priority. We don’t wait until were 30 to get married and it’s extremely different here than it is outside the country. This guy I am with now works and doesn’t make enough money to not only get married, but to even get engaged, hes not goal oriented and has no plan in the future. Which worries me. I have a lot of daddy issues, and I wont say that I lean on someone to financially support me because I have been working my whole life towards being successful in my career, I have been through the worst possible shit ever and I honestly do not intend to marry someone who is just going to remind me of how hard it is living with my father that doesn’t financially support me at all. This other guy, the one that I mentioned in the beging having chemistry and history with for 6 years now came back into my life and said that he wants to marry me soon and that he knows im the one for him and that were meant for eachother. He keeps talking about how we always go back to one another and how we share this unbreakable bond, a natural bond that is just always going to be there. Which I completely agree with, but I don’t love him. I love my boyfriend. But I feel like my boyfriend is lazy and has no future and I know it sounds terrible but it’s the truth. The guy ive known for years is not only rich, but he knows my family from A to Z , he knows all my circumstances and he wants to share the rest of his life with me and sees it. We talked about it although I felt it was highly inappropriate to talk about this with someone who is not my boyfriend. But I set a limit. I only let him talk about what he wants and listened, and tried my best not to emotionally cheat on my boyfriend even though I feel like I can’t help but want the same things that this guy does. We both have many things in common. Future and life goals in general. We like the same things, but I am inlove with my boyfriend and he is crazy about me. I think that if I ever left him he would do something to himself and id break his heart and id never forgive myself for it. Im left in shock seeing how you can truly love someone so much but feel like they aren’t te person for you. I never felt like that was possible until now and It completely destroys me. I don’t know what to do. I told the guy that ive known for years to just leave me alone and that I have to pay attention to my relationship and he told me that Im not in a good relationship because I even considered him (Which is the truth because I did, ive been confused for a while now about which one of them I should be with and that’s not good) and I know its not good, and I don’t mean it and im not a terrible person but I don’t know what to do. A part of me is telling me to go for the guy of 6 years that keeps promising me the world and promises to make me happy and telling me that he loves me. And a part of me wants to stay with my boyfriend that im not suer about because I love him so fucking much it hurts. I really feel like I want to rip my hair apart because of all the depression I am going through. Today I sat with my boyfriend and cried to him telling him how much I love him but I feel like were different in many things. He didn’t understand and kept trying to make me feel better and told me to stop crying and kept saying hes sorry if he upset me, but he is so genuine and loyal and I really can’t imagine breaking his heart because all this guy ever did was make me happy. Truly happy for 8 months, yet, I can’t shake off this feeling of feeling like he isn’t the one for me. How is it possible that I love someone so much but see my life with someone else? I really can’t wrap my head around it, I feel so guilty. So upset. I feel like I betrayed my boyfriend and betrayed myself. But I feel like I should also consider myself and what I want in my future and for me and my kids and my lifestyle with this other guy makes more sense. They both love me, and I love my boyfriend but I see more potential and a happier future with this other guy. What do you think I should do? I know that no one here will probably understand, I just need to know that theres someone out there that has been through something like this. I don’t wanna regret leaving any of them. And if staying with my boyfriend is the safer choice then Ill do it even if I don’t think its right. I wish i could be single so that i can figure this whole thing out, But I can’t break his heart and Ill be breaking mine if I get with someone else and feel like I made the worst mistake of my life. Thanks for reading.
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I'm going to try and simplify a bit of how Dragonflymagic answered you. I will use the Rich and Lazy guy as she did for simplification and coordination between us.
You say that Lazy guy is not marriage material. He is lazy and not goal orientated. You are just the opposite you are drive and goal orientated. You have daddy issues with him.
Regardless of the fact that rich guy has entered the picture why in the world are you still with this Lazy guy. In your own words this relationship has no place to go so what keeps you with him.
What keeps you with him is what you have to sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself. Cover all the bases from companionship to sex. Make a physical list if you must. Sort of a pro's and con's or stay or go list if you wish and see what keeps you with him.
Once you have had this conversation with yourself and have your reasons to stay or go. It will be apparent that your not being a bad person your actually being a good person by enabling him to be the way his is. For that reason alone you should leave him to force him to stand on his own two feet though you will also see other reasons should you agree with me that staying enables his present way of life.
As to rich guy maybe he is the right guy to marry I really am not in a position to say. Per you he has all the qualities you are looking for in a husband. Those cultural differences definitely need to be worked out before you walk down the aisle..
My answer for Rich guy would be that at this time you cannot say yes or no to his proposal. You are just coming out a relationship that was not the greatest and you need time to make sure that accepting his proposal is not a lifeboat action. That you would like to date him, something you to have not done in earnest, for six months then if he still wishes to propose you will be able to give him an answer. Six months is time enough to start building all parts important to a relationship from companionship to sex to sickness and health to compatibility. Time to working on those cultural areas that separate you. If you accept his proposal have a long engagement to continue building your relation ship before your wedding.
Broken hearts mend and laze's heart will mend and hopefully it will be a wake up call for him that he needs to do better for himself.
Your only mistake is doing something to satisfy someone else that does not give you the satisfaction you need or keeps you from obtaining the goals you have for yourself. This is not the age of you parents or even my era. Women are allowed to be goal oriented. They are not meant to be enablers.
I do not know if MR. Rich is right for you. I do know Mr. Lazy is wrong for you. You're 23, very much a child when looked as someone that needs to marry or be called an old maid. You have time to date and play the field be for you need to actually settle and raise a family if that is your plan.
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To keep things straight as I talk of the two, I will simply use some of your words and label the 6 yr one Rich and the 7 month bf Lazy.
You say you do not currently have feelings for Mr. Rich. But from what I read, You once did. If you really did love him at one time, my guess is the only reason you don't feel love for him right now is not because you have a bf but because he either didn't return your love or has been wishy washy up til now. Actually, considering your ages, there may be a good explanation if he's finally got his act together. The decision making part of our brains is not fully developed until we hit our mid twenties and for some its even later. So he most definitely may not have been ready to make such a decision before. If I were you, before I decide, I would at least not count what he was like in the past as reason to not consider him. Only you dating him for a while will be able to tell if he is more committed and sure and in control of his decisions.
Mr Lazy is someone it seems you met at the point when Mr. Rich asked you to give him time to emotionally get over his last love. That was reasonable. But while you were waiting, you met Mr. Lazy and claim to be in love with him. Unless you promised to not date anyone you met while waiting for Mr. Rich, You shouldn't feel you betrayed him. As for dating Mr. Lazy, if you told him in the beginning that you were giving an old male friend time to get over a break up and then would try to get together with him so you can't really commit to him right now and if he's okay with just dating you socially for fun but not seriously, then that would have been best. But hey, we all fail to say things we could have said and say things we wish we never did.
In choosing whom to marry, there are several things to consider. A solid foundation for a relationship is made of two things, being each others best friend in how you treat each other and know each other and the romance/sexual part is there, the attraction and you both are each others sexual equal. With Mr. Rich, it sounded like you are great friends. I do not know if you've been sexual with either one. But I will paraphrase the writings of a female psychologist on how men and women see things differently, which is that women view sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a way to secure that relationship. The emotional bond for women is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing both separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or is just not a good choice for them."
This may be the reason that you love Mr. Lazy even if he doesn't sound like he'll be able to provide for you. But I can't say for sure, not knowing your status with him.
You might want to review for both men the following list I added to that I found on line,
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
The list as you see doesn't have wealth as a defining factor. So when it comes to deciding, you may want to think about your future children. With Mr. Lazy, the kids may grow up very poor and male children as children will copy their parents, may end up choosing to be just like Mr. Lazy because to them that is normal. YOu would need to be willing to be the bread winner or a 2nd income here. Also kids need to see parents that love each other as this is how they learn what a healthy relationship is like. The loving couples who both share a 50-50 load of effort into the relationship, the parenting and running of the home is what is best for children to grow up with. So if for any reason, neither men are right, then do not choose one or the other, just don't choose either and keep looking.
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