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Mom keeps controlling my life?
I'm 18 years old and my mom keeps controlling my life. I cant leave the house unless its to go to work or hangout with my elementary school friends that she knows. If she doesnt know the friends i cant go out. Also i cant go out if shes at work and shes always at work. When shes home and im out as soon as the clock strikes 9pm she literally sends my sister to call me until i get home. As mentioned earlier i have a job right now and to this day i havent seen the money ive earned because my mom has my debit card, ive asked her repeatdly for it and she always says "what do you need it for?" like what the hell its my card just give it to me. Then when we get into an arguement about it she says "fine i'll give you your card just dont ask me to buy you anything" and then the cycle continues (also she made my own personal bank account a joint account with hers) .if youve seen my previous posts you'd know last year during my freshman orientation week for university i paid 140 dollars with my own money for it (the only reason i saw that money was cause i got a check instead of a direct deposit). She only let me go to 3 of the 10 days of the orientation she didnt let me go to any of the parties cause (the school isnt safe at night) meanwhile she was the one that forced me to go to the school cause it was a commuter school because she didnt want me to live on campus. What should i do? She always says "you have to be bold and talk to strangers and go out more" meanwhile shes holding me inside all freaking day and its affected my social skills because of her my sister and i are afraid to walk down our own neighbourhood by ourselves because in highschool she wouldnt let us walk to the bus stop 5 mins away from the house by ourselves. How am i supposed to know the value of money if she wont let me handle my finances? How am i supposed to improve on my social skills if all i do is go to work and stay home cause she wont let me leave? Did you know nobody really invites me out anymore? Cause my mom used to always say no and now its happening to my younger sister (shes 16) im not saying that now that im 18 i have to be a fully independent adult cause im not but i just dont want to be controlled over everything, yes shes still a good mother but i need freedom, my dad is the complete opposite of her but i dont want to make this longer than it is. Thank you if youve read this far and answered
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If Dads the opposite, has he tried to reason with her or is it that he won't because he wants to keep peace with her. Yes, we live in a dangerous world and it's good to be aware of your surroundings, but your mom has gone so far overboard in keeping you house bound that it points out to me, something is wrong with her thinking. It may simply be distorted thinking that leads her to make her choices concerning her children. Her over protectiveness may also be due to her having some very real phobia's that need treatment. Dad can't force her to go see any specialists but he can at least encourage her and say something about her being too overprotective to the point that its totally unnatural now.
As for bank accounts, if it was set up before you turned 18, then yes it's customary that a parent be a co-signer on the records for your account. But that is until you turn 18. You now no longer need her on there. The bank won't automatically change it over so you need to ask to have them change the account. While you're at it, Mom knows too much about the current account and may just take your card without asking since she seems to think its her privilege to do so. I recommend you not only close the old account but open a new one just for yourself. If there are any special requirements such as having a parent come in to the bank to be able to transfer money into the new account or to close it, then you might ask Dad but I don't see there being a problem. If you don't drive, then in the little bits of time in between classes and work, you need to find a bank that is really close to either school or work as it may mean setting up a new acct. If you go to a new bank, they will require some kind of deposit to open it. You could borrow the amount needed from another relative and promise to give their money back after your next paycheck is direct deposited to the new account. I actually had to do the same when leaving an abusive husband and my paycheck was direct deposited to our mutual account. I did not want to alert him and got the money from friends to open new account and as soon as my own paycheck went into the account, I pulled out the money I'd been loaned and gave it back. So you will need to let your HR dept. know that you need to change their direct deposit info as you have a new account.
As for the rest, as long as you continue to live at home, Mom will have control over you or least harass you for control even if you fight her over it. So to not complicate things for school, I'd say the best thing is to find a different living arrangement for free as I am sure it is with the parents. Try other relatives whom you know won't bend to do your Mothers will. Another way to find a place to stay is through your church or if you don't attend, start somewhere close by. My oldest when wanting independance from us, even though we were not a problem, asked her church pastor who announced it one Sunday and they got an older single woman volunteering. She stayed there for a while and saved up money for an apartment which she got into with a couple roommates soon after. She wasn't in college though.
I hope you realize that Mom is in the forever parenting mode and this may never change on her part. So you will have to nicely reassure her that though you love her, you are an adult and as such, I am going to make decisions for myself. That will include everything and you can go into details like where you go to school, what degree you go after or whether you will quit school and work full time for a while so you can get your own car or apartment with perhaps another college student. What matters more at this point I feel is getting the independence from Mom and the banking is one step, but then the other will be no longer living under the parents roof. That's why if its not possible as long as you are going to school and working part time, it may be better to let school go temporarily and start working full time or two p.t. until you can get into an apartment and that's also why you want a new Bank and account so Mom can't dip into your hard earned money meant to go towards your freedom. Having been sheltered as you were, you may really not know enough about what it all takes to be independent and how to make the best decisions. You did right to ask here. But it will be much better if you can find an older adult, friend or relative you knows you well enough and you respect their mind, and you rely on them to go for the more constant little things. Example, if you don't have a drivers license, you will need an adult who cares enough to help give you driving lessons or at least to use their car for your driving test. Try to do all these things without your parents help so your Mom can't say that you are relying on her in some way and her reasoning that gives her some right to meddle in your life without giving you any choices. I know this is hard to do. You aren't the only one who has ever written in asking for help to get away from meddling parents. Some are on their own in apartments and Mom still calls constantly or drops by unannounced at their door. Your Mom may go to those extremes as well. Just tell her what the boundaries are. If you want a call from her only once a day, say so, if only once a week, tell her so. You can answer but ask if its an emergency if its the 2nd call, and if its not like Dad in the hospital, then her, she is not observing your boundaries, this is the 2nd call this week, so I am going to hang up and do so even if she is still talking to keep you on the line. Or....you could change your cell number, make it private number so you can contact them but they won't have any number showing to call you back. If they are paying for your phone, you may want to hunt around for a plan you can afford, something basic like just calls to start, no internet or texting and work up to that when you can afford to. If theyre currently paying phone, you can't make these changes either. This is all just quickly off the top of my head. If you have a question about a what if situation on something I am not aware of, please let me know and I will do my best to give you some advice that will help.
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