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selfishness vs needs
Where is the line between being selfish and taking care of your own needs? Because I often feel like, in trying not to be selfish, my own needs get left behind. Like, to a point that isn't okay with me. Is that a thing? I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm just confused.
Like, I'm doing a group project, and there's a girl in my group who insists on doing a lot of things her way, and when I ask if we can do some things differently, she claims she can't because she has anxiety and she has to do things in her way. She has a point, and I know I need to respect her needs. However, at our last project meeting, I nearly had a panic attack because I couldn't deal with the way she was doing things, but I didn't want to cause problems for her either. I feel like she uses the fact that she has diagnosed anxiety as a reason to need things a certain way, and because I don't have it, my needs doesn't matter.
I'm just confused. I don't really know what I'm asking with this question.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You have an excellent question here one you will come face to face with throughout life. In the situation you are presently dealing with you and the others have your own concerns to deal with for as I see it you will be graded on the results. To give into her and submit the project with only her input into the project is wrong, counterproductive and does not represent you or anyone else. You live or die, so to speak, on her abilities and not of yours. This is wrong as part of the lesson in group in school or work is seeing if and who can work together.
You give your age as 18 so I cannot tell if this is a school project or a work project. If it is a school project then you and any of the others that feel this way should go to the teacher with your concerns. For one thing you have only the girls’ statement that she has anxiety issues. While you and the others cannot find out if this is the truth the teacher can.
As you go through life you will be confront with the same type of problem of who comes first. OT starts with me or work, me or my husband, me or my children and other social problems that will confront you. There are times, and rightfully so, when in all of these situations you need to put you first. Unfortunately there is not firm rule as to how to decide when this is.
Your current situation is one of these and you know this because you are asking for help to tell you that you are right. You are right because you will be judged on this project just like she will be. If you and any others working on this project advice and consideration are not being take n into consideration then it is not a joint project and you either walk away and let her sink on her own or tell her where you advice needs to be put into the project and how it needs to be done. If she can't deal with it then she is no the project manager chose someone else
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Actually hon, you do post a good question. Let me share my story and perhaps that will shed some light for you. My first marriage was not a good one. I knew I had to leave. I had stayed 30 yrs even tho he had treated me badly from about 6 mo. into marriage.
I finally realized i had to leave. Had prayed and heard from God that if I did not leave, I would die within 4 more years of the stress with cancer or heart attack. Thats what got me to decide I had to go. My kids didn't want to leave but I had to for peace of mind and to heal. However I felt that maybe I was selfish in planning to leave thinking of my own needs. It was a friend who told me that it is not selfish to think of yourself first if heart is in the right place. Then bible scripture came to mind where it says paraphrased to love God with all your heart and mind and your neighbor as yourself. Then it was explained to me that people latch on to neighbor and have to love your neighbor but Pastor said we have to love ourselves first because if we can't love ourselves, then Gods love can't pass thru us to others, think of an obstructed garden hose where no water can pass. That made sense to me. I realized that tho I did love myself to a degree, the area where I failed to love myself was by subjecting myself to this daily verbal abuse. It was literally making me sick all the time, the stress. Thats not a nice way to treat myself. I realized I had to remove myself from this situation before I would be able to love others. So yes there are situation in which it is not selfish to think of yourself and your needs.
In yours, a team or group means just that, it is made up of many members and all are partly contributing, whether this is for school or work. It is not meant to be a platform where one member decides to run the whole thing and everyone else must go along with their needs and wants. If her anxietys interfere with the ability to do good work, and get it done on time, it is an obvious issue. Who ordered the group project, a teacher or supervisor? You might just ask them how they expected the group to function, if there are any rules about how the members participate. Must all contribute equally or is it okay for one to lead and dictate how the team will work and everyone follow and support the ideas of one who wasn't voted to be leader. If they wonder why you ask, then I would explain. A good reason to say something even though it may sound petty or selfish is if there are problems with the team such as a teen whose team had a dictator student ruling over the others and the project failed and they all got bad grades. It is not fair in that case. If its for work, all the more important to make sure who ever is the boss is okay with how your group is handling the project. It seems like you do not have a choice who is in the group and this gal is always a member. I haven't heard of companys bending over backwards to accomodate those with anxieties. That is why so many with anxieties do not work is because if they can not do the work as the boss wants, then the anxieties interfere with their ability to do the work.
You are not selfish, only wanting to feel more assertive. Talking to your boss or teacher is one way you can iron this out. If they are okay with her work, then perhaps you need to find a new class or job where you'll be happier.
As far as relationships, your needs matter there too. If you ever have a partner who doesn't think of your needs first before getting his taken care of and you have the same attitude with him, then no one gets left out. Never give up on having your needs met. People may tell you thats being selfish but they are busy bodies who haven't a clue and should be working on their own life.
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