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STUCK IN A NIGHTMARE!


Question Posted Wednesday February 1 2017, 12:18 pm

Hello, I will try to make this as brief as possible. 25/female. I wouldn't say this is an abusive per se relationship but I wasn't sure what other category to put it in.

Through my own fault and life I guess throwing me a really hard lesson, I ended up in a really sticky situation that is slowly turning into a nightmare for which my actions and maturity don't seem adequate. This is why I need some advice. I am now for two years working in a huge company overseas that is a bit eccentric in the way they do things. What do I mean by this is that they like to personally get to know their employees, they invest a lot in their employees and they keep a close tab on them.

In this company the owner saw something in me and recruited me right out of college to train me in different parts of the business. I started out as a project assistant to an up and coming young man who was hired a few months before me but has shown great progress and was given this project. He was way more knowledgeable than me and I started learning from him.

The company is a multi national and we started working together on this project and traveling around the world. At first I was his assistant then through my own efforts and his recommendation I was promoted after a year to be his partner.

Now the terrible lesson and I know this is why all the advice tells you not to do this, but nevertheless we are young and here we are... we fell in love. Hard.

Its one thing to see someone attractive every day. Its another to travel the world with them and accomplish goals and have new experiences. Never mind the fact that this person is an amazing fit to your personality like a glove and you are 23 - 25 years old. Basically it was a perfect situation for a year and a half that sounds like out of a movie. We were really in love.

But we are also really young. And after the first year and a half we were brought back to the country where the company is located because there was a branch of one of the businesses that was in crisis and we were brought in to work on it as a team. So stop the traveling, a steady, stressful position, and we now had to live together in company housing (we had separate rooms but a shared kitchen, common area, everything else).

Now I think its important to mention that we kept the fact that we were in love a secret because we didn't want the company to separate us and we weren't sure what the policy was. There are married couples working in the company so I'm pretty sure its okay but we didn't want to risk it.

I don't know what happened, if the position we were put in was too stressful, tedious day to day, its been almost another year here. And the ease of how we worked so well, life I guess, really got to us because we are just not on the same wavelength anymore. We broke up about 6 months ago. He had cheated, I stopped seeing him the same way, and just... it didn't work out.

The thing is we still had to live and work together and that was a problem. At first it was okay, but I was very hurt by everything and I tried to distance myself from him. Not be home as much, try to not go to the same places on the weekends, we had to see each other every day after all. We kept it profesional at work always. Cordial. And just as I finally felt like I was starting to get over the situation, I felt more free and less affected, it turned into a nightmare.

We cannot work together anymore. Lately the last month or so I feel as though we just do not get along no matter what. Constantly fighting, yelling, even crying. I know he is more stressed now than before but I don't know what has changed in our dynamic. He started treating me with this attitude that I was his inferior because technically I did start as his assistant but he never treated me like this before. And I had to do what he said and not allowed to question it. And everything that went wrong if I was present he would look for a way to yell at me for it. So in turn I think I became very emotional and hurt because this was the person I loved and my best friend. We had no one but each other for a whole year and a half traveling and I trusted him with my life. And now this is happening.

I already asked the owner to please move me from the position. To find me a different project, or at least from the same house but because he doesn't know the reason since he never knew we were together, and this guy specifically prohibited me from telling him because he thinks it will affect his job and look bad on both of us, the owner told me for the moment he needs me here in this company the most and that this is what I need to be doing.

I don't know what to do, I know that Ive lost some of my power because of becoming emotional but I just cant take the yelling and how bad he makes me feel. And its not like its even personal he is even dating someone else but no matter what I do or how we try to interact we end up fighting and fighting and I end up crying and its super unhealthy especially to work like this. So I cant move, we tried talking about it and just do not see eye to eye, and its becoming harder for me to be around him because I don't feel like he is open to anything that I say or do anymore.

Whats the best way to handle a situation like this? How do we open the channel of communication to be able to get along? What should I say to him or how to act next time he explodes at me?

Truth is he is very stressed lately but that is not an excuse to treat someone badly. How can I come out of this with my happiness and be the bigger person?

Please any advice welcome....

(and please do not advise me to quit my job I need one more year of experience to be able to apply for my masters degree which was my plan all along, and starting over in another company would mean losing all I have accomplished in this one)


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adviceman49 answered Thursday February 2 2017, 9:51 am:
No one can forbid you to do anything that affects you personally. You say in the beginning of you message; “company overseas that is a bit eccentric in the way they do things. What do I mean by this is that they like to personally get to know their employees.” Based on this statement I believe you need to tell them what has been going on and let the chips fall where they may.

There are two reasons for this advice. First and for most is your health both your physical and mental health. What is happening is not good for either and another year of this will take its toll on both. Second and almost as important is what is happening between you will eventually if not already affect the work both of you are doing. If the work is affected the owners will take notice. When that happens it will be too late to make excuses. So my advice is it is better to tell them now before it hurts you in ways that will hurt you more than if you go to them first.

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