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Follow up of crying from anger post
Dear Dragonflymagic,
Thank you for your sincere response on my post titled crying from anger. Yes it does sound like we are teens from all of this drama, however I am 25 and my (ex?)boyfriend is 38, we were planning to get married. I do admit I have loved him deeply. I had met his sister and niece and he had mentioned that he told his mother about me, and he was planning to buy a home near my city for us (but could not do so currently, financially). We were serious and felt we were destined, that was the only reason I had put up with his behavior for so long. We did have almost everything in common, and he did have good qualities (no drinking/drugs, no friends who are girls, etc). It was an on-off relationship of 2.5 years almost 3.
During these past few days I wrote him a long e-mail telling him I was ending it, I said I could no longer put up with his degrading actions. I told him it is not healthy if he cannot respect me and without trust the relationship won't work. I wrote to him that he tries to control other people just because he cannot control himself, I told him "I feel that you just wanted to get married only because you were afraid of growing old by yourself". All of this I believe was true. I added "I have never treated anybody as nicely and put up with so many things as I have with you, in return all I got was stress and hate." On a side note, sometimes I did see the love he could be capable of, but he rarely showed it. He did previously mention he had trust issues and has been dealing with psychological issues. I said you've ruined my psychology too in 3 years, but I will recover you won't be able to knock me down. I also did mention "maybe someone did you wrong in the past, but you can't hold everyone accountable and treat everyone bad". I told him everything he made me feel and said "I am now deleting all of my profiles and changing my number, God will be the judge of who has made who cry the most and who did wrong, you will no longer find me". I thought he would be so furious as always and write back a hateful message but instead he was apologizing in his e-mail. He tried to joke and not take it serious and said "please text or call me before I start getting cold again". He called constantly, I then made my voicemail operator say this number is no longer in service. He texted my phone saying "why did you change your voicemail greeting; Don't think I am stupid enough to think you gave up your number". He's found a secret profile with 5 tweets of mine and wrote "I know this is you, please call me". Many "are you still mad?" messages. I've never responded and tried to pretend I do not look at that account's mentions. Today he has written to that profile "I will be calling one last time, then my journey will be started if no response." He does indeed go away when he feels there is no hope. It does hurt me to think he will marry someone else, I thought I ended it all, then why am I still hurting? What should I do, should I delete this one last profile account of mine that he wrote to, then he will definitely delete his as well, and then perhaps start his new journey. It hurts to be in the relationship sometimes due to his behaviors, then again it hurts me also to think he will move on happily ever after. I am not sure what to do. Thank you...
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Thank you sooo much for sharing how you responded to him. You did right girl and more power to you
I cannot say whether he is anything like my ex but if so, then trust me when I say that sometimes there are a few individuals incapable of loving another person. Something in them psychologically just doesnt work and they were born that way. This I found out when a ex counsselor friend convinced my husband to go see a psychologist. What came out and what I heard sure explained a lot. For him it was a combo of not being able to love anyone and also always be on the defense because deep down he knew something wasn't right with him but he didn't really want to change, believing he was fine as he was, which wasn't true. The counselor told me some things. heres what was going on. He wanted badly to blend in and not appear to be a person found lacking and not normal so he wanted to marry, go to church and raise kids figuring that would make him seem normal and no one would question his sanity. However what the kids and I saw at home was lots of verbal abuse, mostly aimed at me but sometimes the kids too. A person who fears they may not be normal but dont want to know whats wrong or see a Dr. will always point the finger at someone else and say they are the problem or that they start the troubles. Its a tactic to keep eyes and thoughts of others off of them. As a child, his mom almost died but recovered. He overheard the Dr and got it into his head that his Mom was going to leave him and abandon him and as he grew older, he carried that feeling on to other women. He believed that all girlfriends would leave him. When they didn't, he treated them badly so that they would leave so that he could then complain that what he thought would happen did, all because of his efforts to make it a self fullfilling prophecy.
I know that is pretty whacked out thinking. Your guy may not have the same exact issues, but I am sure there must be something wrong deep down inside. And I am not saying that your guy or my ex were incapable of being sweet at times. Of course there were moments that I loved. The only problem with a man who won't stay consistant in treating his lady nicely is the vicious cycle he pulls the lady into. Its what Dr.s know of and call the honeymoon cycle. All is well but slowly he gets worse and treats the female badly, fights and hurts her in some way, then when he's afraid of losing her, does whatever to make it up, say he is sorry and the honeymoon period begins as she forgives him out of love. I stayed with him 30 yrs before I left and he had not improved but gotten worse. What happens after a certain amount of years is that the bad treatment will eventually kill any romantic love for the person which happened to me. I can say I care about what happens to him as another human being and can love him as one of Gods children and not feel any hate. I realized I was in this situation to learn to care enough about myself to no longer allow myself to be stuck in that situation. And any people I have come across since then, new friends, co workers, anyone who comes into my life and starts treating me badly verbally, I have a talk with them right away and let them know I do not care to be treated that way and most people will back off. Its only in a close relationship where people tend not to and tend to dump on the ones they should be loving. Someone like this will never move on happily ever after. I have been divorced from him now 10 yrs and with new husband who is the total opposite and life with him always good. My ex has boasted of getting a new girlfriend. The longest one was with him about 4 yrs and intended to help pay for the house and redecorate and marry him. But one day he told her that he was not in love with her, the same as it was with me and she left him. Then he made a dating profile. He is handsome and good at initially showing a false persona that is very nice but after a month or two lapses back into his true personality. He boasted many times of a good catch like a lady nurse or the one who was a lawyer and after only a couple dates, those gals figured him out and left. He still has found no one else but is still pretending to be normal by geting involved in clubs or certain groups pretending to be the same as them. Close friends who have been able to observe him in some of these groups shake their heads and tell me he has no clue what he is doing or representing and is just pretending to try to fit in and seem normal, only without a partner now as no woman will have him. So I wouldn't worry about your guy going on to have a great life while you figure you lost your chance to have it with him. Maybe for a while the good times in the honeymoon cycle will help you hang in there but the psychologist agreed it was normal that in the cycle, the bad treatment part grows longer and the honeymoon period shorter until there no longer is a honeymoon period and you are treated badly 24/7. Thats how it was for me. Its not your job to stay with him to help him at least in his mind think of feel his is more normal, that doesn't help him at all. If all the women in his future do the same thing, maybe he will wake up and realize that maybe the problem is with him and seek professional help.
You are stopping this cycle and relationship at a point much sooner than I did so he hasn't totally killed your love for him yet and that is why it hurts to leave him. There is also a soul connection, an energy cord that ties you to him and him to you. I have read about this and during a time of prayer/meditation before leaving my ex, I got a vision from God of the two of us connected at the stomach/solar plexus by a long cord and I was being handed a pair of scissors and told that if I was serious about ending this relationship as God was prompting me to do, then I had to cut that cord. Of course it was done all by picturing it in my imagination. But according to those who teach this stuff, it really works, and it worked for me. I no longer had any doubts or feelings that vacillated between wishing things were better and feeling guilty and feeling like I was being to selfish to leave him. Those feeling disappeared along with the cutting of the cord. I suggest you try that, as weird as it sounds. Repeat if you need to and then let time do any remainder of healing. I hope sharing my story wasn't boring but encouraging for you. I wish you the best dear. I believe that as intelligent as you are and as loving and forgiving, that there will be a wonderful man for you just as there was for me. YOu just need to be extra picky, take control of the situation with any new guy in the future who shows an interest in you. Let him know by the second date what you are looking for in a guy, be specific, as for what you want, spell out what you won't tolerate. List your boundaries. Any guy worth having is not going to be insulted or angry. I did this all. Men find women who do this to seem very self confident and self confidence seems to be an aphrodisiac to men. I read an article about tests done with unsuspecting singles and it supports that as a fact, not just a theory. All the men either recognized and went for the self confident women right away or checked out the model/bombshell types first but quickly bored with shallow drama queens and went for the average pretty self confident women. I also never promised a guy that I was looking for just a social dating partner but someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I promised to be an open book and answer any of their questions right up front and be honest. Asked them to be honest too and if they realized that they didn't meet or want to meet my standards, then they were free to walk away with no hurt feelings. So it was basically more of a dating site with the info there to weed out the wrong guys, and I said I would meet with any ones that seemed promising, just for coffee. If that went well and I didnt scare them off, then we met for a date and another until I saw something that I knew wouldnt work for me. When I read the first letter response from my now husband, I felt something already in reading that, like a hand of energy reached out thru the screen of my computer and grabbed at my heart. It was a bizarre thing I didnt want to put hope in by just chatting by text or phone for ever before meeting. I had to know right away if there was any of that romantic chemistry between us because just a week of calls until our cell phones died already proved we both liked how the other thinks and what we said we believed in and what our hopes and dreams are. YOu can't know if anything a person says is true until you meet them and start to give them a chance to prove who they are by being consistantly of a good character and watch how they treat you. Saying I love you is too easy but let a man prove it to you by how he consistantly treats you. If he flips back and forth, theres a problem. Anything else you ever need to talk about regarding this current situation, just let me know. And know if you have questions in the future as you venture out to meet other guys later, you can always ask for help, my opinion, or pointers like I have tried sharing ahead of time here. Good luck and blessings to you.
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