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I Feel Beyond Shallow.
Ever since I had started middle school years ago, I had been obsessed with the way my appearance was viewed by others. Not in the way where I found myself breathtakingly beautiful, but in the way I found myself as the ugliest person alive. I believe it was because everyone around me only cared about the outside beauty. No one in middle or high school gave a rat's ash about inner beauty. So it led me to being obsessed with "looking good." Plus, the bullying over how ugly I am didn't help the situation.
Now, I'm ALWAYS told I'm the sweetest thing ever, that I'm a total sweetheart with a heart full of optimism and gold. But the flashbacks from middle and high school are still killing me. I feel oh-so-very shallow focusing on "looking good" all the time. I can't stop looking in the mirror, because I'm hoping one of these days I'll see myself as beautiful... but I never do.
May anyone send some advice and positivity my way? Desperately, I need advice on how to only focus on my inner beauty instead of how badly I appear on the outside. I'd appreciate it more than words could ever convey!!
Thank you!! :D
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Stop looking at yourself through a fun house mirror. What you have is a distorted view of you are not just physically but as a person. The ugly duckling you think you see really is a beautiful swan gazing back at you. When you see yourself through a mud covered window you really don't see yourself at all.
On a piece of paper I want you to write down ten qualities abut yourself that you like and know cannot be disputed. Next to it another ten about physical and inner beauty attributes. Put it in your purse and pull it out when you need a reminder of your true self. Imagine for a moment that piece of paper ever was dropped in the rain an ink bled. All of the things on it would still hold as true as they are today,tomorrow and forever.
Next thing is you haven't been in elementary school, high school or post secondary schools for quite some time. Years most likely decades. These people have moved on as have you. Consider the source did anything they said, did have any substance to it? Who the hell were they?
You have to let that shit and a negative school experience go and focus on the the NOW and getting to know who you are and developing confidence you lack. Often bullies who usually are jealous attack the victim about something they wish they had (beauty etc.) or that they know is a perceived weakness. This is why you have hang ups about beauty that aren't rational.
What you need to do is find a licensed therapist and one with stellar feedback and work on issues you have about beauty and yourself, bullying, the future and how it all impacts right now and cut through the mist to see the real you. It's the best gift you can give yourself freedom.
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I think you are partly acknowledging the problem yourself by referencing those 'flashbacks'. In middle and high school years we are all very receptive to and aware of comments. Both from those we can term 'authority figures' and our own peer group. Maybe especially our peer group. It's a hostile environment. And the unusually attractive girl, who is quite entitled to perhaps display it if she wishes, can easily find herself branded a slut/bimbo, show-off etc etc. In short, everything is amplified to much more than its true value during these years. There may be next to no truth at all in much of the hostility. It's just searching for a comment that's guaranteed ho hit home and hurt you. The truth doesn't come into it! I somehow doubt you are truly hideous and a terrible sight to behold. Or that you need your 'but I'm beautiful on the inside' consolation prize! So, identify your best physical attributes and capitalise on them. Negate the elements you do not think quite as good as much as possible. Develop your own look and style that plays to your strengths and neatly glosses over any weaknesses. I've never met a woman yet who didn't have at least one part of her anatomy she thought was letting the side down, so to speak. Even when nobody else would agree with her! I think the idea of focusing entirely on this 'inner beauty' concept (and hang how I look) is a bit of a cop-out mate? And it's stemming from a little lack of confidence and self-esteem? Which itself stems from a part of your life that is now in the dust of the past? OK. Let's get the outside matching the inside. I mean, we only know something's gold if it shines, don't we. Go on, shine a bit mate. Sparkle, even!!
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