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He hasnt't asked me out but he acts like my boyfriend? So confused?
Okay so i knew this guy for about 3 years now. Since freshman year, we're in senior year now. At the end of last year he told me he liked me and i told him that i wanted to take things slow and hang out and see where it goes (at first i rejected him but the same day i decided to give him a chance). He was happy and excited telling his friends that he was "in it for the long run". Fast forward to senior year we talk often and grown closer. He's a little on the immature side but he's really a gentleman and courts me but ive notice that he has a hard time expressing his self face to face. He puts him arm around me alot, carry my things, says im his "playfully", wrap his arms around me from behind, guide me through crowds, holds me in public and just in general touching me alot. This all started to happen after we went to homecoming together and it started to become an everyday thing. I began to feel like i was allowing him to do too much and that he was getting way to comfortable being that we wernt in a relationship and it didnt seem like he was going to ask anytime soon. Im a young lady that doesnt give myself easily. Im guarded. I never want to feel like im giving a guy too much only for him to not value me or the relationship before it begins. I texted him (he isnt really good with talking face to face he prefers to talk via texting.) and texted him this: "John (lets just call him that) your a nice guy but i think we need to calm down a bit. We hold each other and touch eachother alot yet we arnt dating. Im not your girlfriend...and I just dont think we should be behaving like that because we arnt on that level and unless we are on that level we shouldnt. Im okay with hugging you. Im interested in you...but were not dating." Ever since then hes respected my wishes and has backed off alot. I hear from his friends that he talks about me alot with them. How he always talks about how nice i look that day, how he enjoys talking to me and being around me and that he likes it when i laugh and smile. What i find weird is that he rarely compliments me to my face but rather tell his friends. Ive asked his friends (we have mutual friends so i guess its our friends) why he doesnt say it to me and they tell me that gets very nervous around me. He is also a little on the immature side, he likes to joke around alot with me and rarely acts serious. Everything is joked on. He has never told me how he felt about me to my face. He just one to express himself more with actions but its almost awkward or uncomfortable for him to do it vocally. Its almost like were friends with benefits. He jokes and plays around with me like a friend but he also is a gentleman who courts me. I talked to my sister about this and she blames the fact that i told him to back off on the PDA until we were dating. She says the way i said it was harsh and that it probably caused him to pull back completely even with communicating. She says that "he was only trying to express love to you and make you feel loved" I disagree with her because he was doing this before i said anything. And he hasn't completely pulled back he still very much is around me all the time and talks to me and texts me. He acts interested. He even asked me to the movies this weekend. He hugs me but he makes sure not to go beyond that. To this day has yet to ask me out. He jokingly said yes when people asked him if i was "his woman". So i guess the questions i have right now are: Should i have sent that text message? Was i too harsh? Why hasn't he asked me out yet? What is holding him back? Does it seem like he even wants a relationship with me? Is his inability to communicate his feelings because he is still scared even after ive told him i was interested in him? Do you think he will communicate better when (if) we date? Would he feel more comfortable knowing im his girlfriend? Is he only satisfied because i finally told him i was interested in him?
(BTW he hasnt ever really had a girlfriend and i havent had a boyfriend)
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Should you have sent the text?
If something that someone else is doing is affecting you, then yes, you need to mention it and since he won't talk as easily face to face which is preferable for a convo like this, a text to him in your case is next best.
Were you too harsh? You were very kind , not harsh. However understanding males is needed here and My first thought is, that he saw this email as your pointing out a problem to him because you wanted him to solve or fix the problem. when females vent or point out things to a guy, its a natural instinct to want to solve them for the female even if she didn't ask for help, want help, or if she did but was confusing herself.
And now on to "Why hasn't he asked me out yet?"
I believe you may have totally confused him too dear. he may have had certain parts of the email seem to jump out at him more than others. Just the following in the same text is confusing. Forget what else you wrote and read the following:
"i think we need to calm down a bit" in the same message with " I'm interested in you...but we're not dating.
I understand your confusion. You sent him a message but how he interpreted it is different than how you meant him to understand it. Even if he weren't the one in question here, any guy in this scenario with you could just as easily be confused or at least find a need to ask you to clarify what you were saying.
Does it seem like he wants a relationship? Hell yes!!!! This guy seems crazy about you and a totally insecure guy wouldn't even mention you to his friends for fear of their ridiculing or teasing but he has. Also, he has no problem being seen with you in public and is always touching you in a way that others would know in its very primal form is a way that male creatures mark their territory. Animals resort more to marking territories with urine. Human males do so other ways and this would be it.
Is he still scared? Maybe. I know most girls who get near a hot guy they crush on go silent and tongue tied also and very scared that they might bungle things up somehow. I am sure its possible he feels something of the same.
Would he communicate better if dating? He is already communicating with you just fine as far as his actions and I can't really say that you have picked up on it because of your confusion. Words are important too. But I have some important advice here. Do not ever assume that a male who says he really likes you or loves you is telling the truth. Men can prove their feelings about you by how they treat you and they way they act around and what they do for you. Without the actions behind the words like "I'm crazy about you, I like you a lot or I love you, those words mean nothing.
Is he satisfied and stopping short of what you want cus he stopped at knowing you were interested in him?
Here is the issue, females need both the words and the axtion behind the words to be sure and don't want to end up embarassed cus they simply assumed what the guy wants. In fact females often prefer the words first and the proving by a ction later or some only want the words and havent realized that actions must go hand in hand with the words.
Guys are simple creatures. Throughout history, it is women who have helped to shape who a male becomes. If they are not doing something right, the female needs to take the lead and teach him.
Heres a good example. What about men who lie or hided things from their gal, or cheat on them? They still have no problem finding a girlfriend because women act so desperate to have a male companion that they will accept even poor behavior from them. Theres also abuse at which I was at the recieving end of once upon a time and it wasnt his mother who had part in it, but past girlfriends so it was so ingrained by time I met him that all my attempts to retrain him did not work. I know it may sound like training a puppy here but thats not my intention. Just a lack of better words. Women do not realize that when they go back to bad boyfriends, that the guy will never learn that there are consequences to treating a gal wrong. Women very often need to take the lead even with a really good guy. Take my 2nd husband. I had to kiss him first. I knew it would be welcome and I wasnt reading him wrong because of how he had been treating me spoke of his care for me. So even good guys may hold back for fear of moving too fast for a female which is what you did say to him, or at least he picked it up that way. In man-speak, for all I know, (since I dont know this particular friend of yours) he may have decided that it was best to wait and let you take the lead when you are ready. It is how lots of males might interpret what you said. This is simple miscommunication between male and female here. So if you want to have him for a boyfriend, let him know you are ready to start dating and ask him if he would like to be your boyfriend and I am pretty sure he will say yes. Or he may be surprised and say, "I already am your boyfriend or I thought I was." then it would fall to you to explain to him that you need verbal confirmation as well as he treating you like a girlfriend. You don't want to have to second guess everything and guess wrong which would be embarassing and awkwardd and no one wants to go there.
I have rambled on and may even have confused you. So if I can clarify anything more, let me know but all in all, I see no problem here, just two people assuming they are doing saying the right things and that the other person understands them perfectly which wasn't the case. He probably will begin to slowly open up and share more once he knows that you are ready to move on with a relationship with him. He may never be a male who talks much, only the minimum needed and that's Okay, its just a personality difference.
What you have to decide is wether you more picture yourself lifelong with a mate who is the silent type or the chatty type. Mine is chatty like me and it works. I have worked with guys and given them permission to let me know if I ever am talking too much for them. Only one ever did say something, not able to stand the small talk or conversation anymore. In a relationship, if one person hated lots of talk, and the other needed the constant conversations, there would be trouble. Things like this you can discover just from dating different types of guys. So I see no reason why not to start with this guy. You may move on from him eventually or the two of you may end up together for life.
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