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Single for 8 years help!!!!
I'm a 33 year old female, I'm 5'8 average built, and I think I'm a cute person. I don't have self esteem issues, I look in the mirror and think of myself as cute. But no guys ever approach me that I'm even remotely interested in. It's always guys old enough to be my father, which completely grosses me out. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of older attractive men out there... I for one rather not date someone in their 60's... Ten years older than me is my limit. And that's usually who approaches me, or weirdo looking guys, I wouldn't dare go out with. I keep my make up nice and simple, I'm kinda a perfectionist when it comes to beauty, so my hair is always neat... I'm a cocktail waitress, and writer... So I see guys on the regular, at work.. Stores etc etc... Yet no one that I'm even at all attracted to approaches me. And let me put it out there, I'm not one of those females with imaginary high standards. You don't have to be the most handsome or rich dude out there... I just prefer someone I have some attraction to. Please don't suggest online dating... I've tried it... From the paid sites, to the free ones... No luck, I've only been approached by weirdos, old guys, dudes who were already in a relationship, or guys looking for a meal ticket, guys only wanting hookups... The first and only date I had... Which wasn't technically a date at all... We met at Starbucks, and I had to buy my own coffee... Let's just say we never talked again.... I can go on and on... But I won't, lol online dating is no longer an option for me... Yet I feel like without it I have no chance... I understand whomever is reading this doesn't know me personally... So you can't give the most accurate advice... But any little can help... I'm just so tired of being alone, I want love so bad it hurts...
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Hi Single for 8 years
It's seems you need to generate dates to get back into the game. You might want to consider telling your friends or family to introduce you to some people. This option is good because these are people who are already known. It can get abit awkward though with your friends and family if things don't work out.
Also consider a match maker. They can assist by selecting dates for you within the category you want. The downside is that it might cost some money.
The other option you can consider is getting into an activity such as dancing, joining a club; generally where you will meet new people.
Reconsider online dating. Join one that is highly recommended. This option is a problem as it is difficult to know a genuine person from reading their profile. Also take precautions when meeting someone for the first time such as meeting in a public place and letting a friend know where you are.
I am not sure how aggressive you would like to date but you will need to put yourself out there, be extremely patient and open minded. Try to relax and give yourself a break. Things seem to move a little bit better at least that is my experience.
Wishing you the best.
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I understand not being thrilled with internet dating. When I did, a great majority of the guys who wrote had an opening line about how hot or sexy I looked. I came across many liars, guys with anger problems and since my ex was verbally abusive, I came across two who were like that too, once directed at me, other at his maid.However the good news is that I found my second husband thru a dating site. This was a free dating site. In fact I just asked him which other sites he used if any were for pay. He checked out Match.com in case you haven't tried but says from statistics he has read, that E Harmony has the higher ratings, just in case you decide in the future to try again.
As Adviceman said, the content of whats written in your profile may be attracting the wrong sort.
And of those who wrote to me, 95% were undesirables to me but there were also that small percent of good guys. I used the internet more as a tool to come to know of someones existance and then wrote, talked by phone but if promising sounding, I would meet in public at a coffee shop and we always bought our own drinks.
The big plus about on line dating if used properly, is that it cuts down on the hunting for a needle in a haystack deal, and tho the only good guys I was learning about were maybe 5%, it was faster than and less disapointing than for me to go to a singles meetup. Some of the dating sites planned an actual in person meet up for your geographic region, or there are other singles events you can attend regarding a favorite pastime or hobby and meet with someone who had the same. It was too tedious to meet in person.
Just so you'll know I really do understand and have experienced the best and the worst of this situation, at one singles event, I was standing in this restaurant reserved for it, listening to some people do Kareoke when a cute guy comes to stand next to meet and introduce himself. He asked me a question or two but his 3rd question was about religion. He told me about his, one of the highly religious zealot types and I tried to answer tactfully when I said I used to attend church, am still a believer but also my eyes are open to accepting more out there that the Christian church doesn't. He asked for clarification and upon my answer he reacted in dramatic horror and exclaimed loud enough for many to hear, "Oh my, you're back-slidden, a heathen. Get away from me right now!" he shouted. At which point I pointed out, you are the one who approached me, not me you. So I am not leaving but you can." And he was leaving before I finished that sentence.
You won't believe how many times I tweaked what I wrote, basically as I stumbled across things in profile that worked better and those that didn't as much.
I got to your point, so disillusioned that I prayed and asked God what to do. I got an answer to make a list of what I was looking for in a guy and for it to be very detailed and see if God couldn't provide that to me. After a long rash of bad guys who initially sounded good, I cried out and said, God, I'll even take an alien who can mask as human looking. All I want is a man who will truly love me and want to remain as my companion the rest of my life.
It is this information I'd like to share with you and can drop and paste that document in here. You can use it with or without dating sites. And as adviceman said, it may be best to get a close friend who knows you well to sit with you and help set what goes into it, or write your list on paper or on your phone and save it and memorize the points you want to hit when talking to a guy and theres' no reason to wait for a guy to approach you in person out and about.
The reason guys don't approach you in public is because they aren't really sure how to approach a female. They don't know if a gal is single and thats too awkward to them. Lots of guys just like gals lack self confidence. More often than not, the hot guys with lady chasing tendencies have the confidence and will approach but a good majority of these just want sex, not a relationshiop. This I am sharing all from my own observations. Just keep in mind that though there are things I can state are pretty much an expected behavior, doesn't always stand. There are people who are exceptions to all of this so I was kind and gentle but firm, and I called the shots. That may be just what you need to meet a guy.
How to Find Mr. Right
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. Just think of meeting prospective men as a mutual job interview where both are being screened for the job of being each others mate.
So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesnt work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. You'll need to create this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same? Remember that the guy needs to answer all the same things and it falls to you to prompt him and ask.
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your 'Must Haves' and wants you to lower your standard for them and these guys don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isnt afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't smoke. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick up on smoke odor but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didnt smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is an extreme plan or will scare the good guys away. Rather, doing this will weed out any lingering smooth talkers, scamming types who are pretending to be someone they are not. To put up a false front takes lots of personal energy and at some point the fake facade will slip, and its up to you to be alert to catch that and then dump him. Don't feel badly if you are fooled in the first meeting or two. By time I got to the 3rd date with one guy, he ranted about his maid and used horrible names and things to call her talking behind her back and it was so similar to the behavior I hated in my ex, that Ik recognized it and never saw him again.
As for you being firm and telling guys how its going to go, it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, she will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the prettier ones in looks. They described it as the men finding this trait as often sexier in a woman than her looks.
The other list is the what you WANT, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice or prefered. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself incase you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So on this list is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers for me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. These are things you would like to see but if you don't get, you can live with or without whatever it is, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. What I am not promising is that this is instant. Its a process. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. This is okay to give examples on if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of boyfriend. With that in mind, you know that you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid. I would call such a coffee meet up as a info gathering type of date. There's 2 kinds dear, one in which an established couple goes out and the one I am talking about is most important or you won't get to the couple stage. This is the meet up for one face to face at someplace public, lots of people around and someplace not costly or expensive. I don't want either myself or him to pay $50 to $100 for a fancy dining experience when all I am doing is screening him as a possible contender for the position of my boyfriend or husband. It's better for everyone this way and no upset guys for forking out money only to have you say, you've decided he isn't the right man for you. I would start anything I shared info wise by stating that I preferred to be an open book, show all my spots and wrinkles up front so in case he doesnt like what he sees, he can just walk away from this meeting and I won't think any worse of him. I believe giving guys this 'out' up front make them feel more comfortable to truly listen to what I had to say and yes, there were a few who either on the coffee date or a later one decided to end it. If you see a guy often enough who sounds real promising, like couple times a week plus chats by phone/text, then in a reasonably short time, a couple of months, you can know if he's someone to take a chance on. Trust takes a long time to build for anyone, but what is it that brings about this kind of trust in each other, a person being consistant in who they say they are, how they act, talk, their convictions, hopes dreams, etc... and if they are always the same, then you know you can trust them. The ones who are all over the place.
Be safe too by meeting as I said in a public place. Go that first time or first couple of times in your own car there and back. Less chance of a horny guy attacking you in the car or taking you somewhere secluded to do the same.
I hope the list trick will work for you as it did for me. I did get really frustrated along the way but remember you are waiting for the guy who is looking for you to exercise his free will and make some choices. You might want to practice first how to approach and talk to guys. Gals have always been better at relationship stuff so it makes sense for a woman to take the lead in this situation. My husband saw my profile several times a year before he wrote to me. I couldn't see his and he had it hidden on the dating network. He told me the reason it took him so long to write me, he had met with women who wrote all the stuff I said about myself and he had only two requirements on his 'must have' list which were deal breakers if not present in me. Since all the promising women he met were not what they said they were, he was disillusioned and actually told me after we got together that at first he thought I was full of BS and couldn't possibly the the right one he was looking for. There are guys like him out there, who are gentlemen, a one-woman man who is looking for someone for forever like a wife. By my story I hope you see that both he and I were about ready to give up on ever finding the person right for us and us entering our 50's at the time, no longer kids. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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My son has the type of job women are reluctant to get in a serious relationship with men in his type of work. He is a paramedic/firefighter. While firefighting is much safer than it use to be, firefighters and cops are two jobs where a wife never knows if her husband will be coming home at end of watch. This and the fact he was looking for a custom fit in an off the rack world kept him single for a long time.
I tell you this because from what you wrote you sound a bit like him. He did the online dating and until my daughter in-law, who has said at first she wasn't going to contact him because of his job, contacted him he went through a number of unsuccessful relationships.
You can find someone using the online sites either paid or free sights. Who you attract depends on what you write about yourself and what you are looking for. Given the fact of who you say you are attracting I believe you need to change how you complete the questionnaire.
I don't know you so I can't make any suggestions. My only advice would be to have a good close friend sit down with you and assist you in filling one of these questionnaires out.
I know myself that I am my own worst enemy, my boss told me this when I filled out my own annual review. Having someone who knows you well might change the what and how of what you say about yourself.
You sound like someone any man would be proud to take home to meet his mother. Some how that is not coming across in your dating site.
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