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GREAT dates ... Why did I scare him off?
I met a man online recently and had a lovely first date with him. I couldn't believe how intelligent and kind and respectful he was. Even though he isn't really my usual type, I found myself very drawn to him. He even waited with me while I got into a taxi, and I found myself thinking that I had somehow met a true gentleman.
Our second date, a few days later, was even better. We spent upwards of seven hours (!) together, eating, drinking and talking, and both commented on how unlike a second date it felt. He said we had waded into conversation that was "six month relationship" territory -- "in a good way!" -- and that he couldn't believe how comfortable he felt. I confessed that I hadn't been so charmed and attracted to someone in a long time, and that it made me nervous.
He held my hand as we walked around, talking about what we would do on our next date. As we headed to the subway he said he couldn't resist anymore and smothered me with warm kisses and groping hands. It wasn't something I would normally allow on a second date, but I have to admit it was really exciting -- and what the hell, we were happy and connected and it seemed all but certain that this was really going somewhere.
The next day, I expected a quick note from him just to say hi or "thanks for a great afternoon," as this is pretty typical guy dating etiquette. When I hadn't gotten one by dinnertime, I went out on a limb and wrote him myself -- a short, cute text saying that I couldn't stop thinking about making out in the rain. When I still hadn't heard back by midnight, I began to worry.
It's now two full days later and I still haven't heard a peep from him. NOTHING. We had made plans to see each other next weekend, but I'm becoming pretty convinced that he has simply disappeared and wants nothing to do with me. After all, when you don't hear from a guy, it's because he's "just not that into you," right?
I'm so hurt and confused. What did I do wrong? What changed, and how did it happen so fast? It has been a long time since I let myself feel hopeful about a man, and this really stings. Can you please help me shed some light on this situation?
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Sweetie,
Firstly, you deserve and have a right to be loved, and have a fun exciting relationship with someone. We all have a right to that. On Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it should be categorized in with food, shelter, clothing and air. So please know, regardless of this circumstance which is temporary, you deserve and have a right to find a great relationship to achieve all your needs.
Regarding this specifically, perhaps he scared himself. If you had two great dates and he had to kiss you by the the end of it, that sounds pretty great to me. I also agree with the other person who answered, that it's a possibility he wasn't sure the kissing was compatible with his style but don't take that personally. To boldly illustrate that, maybe he prefers something actually you wouldn't be into, let's say he wanted you to pull his hair in public or grab him harder or something and that's not your style, or maybe the opposite. that's only one possibility that it had to do with something physical.
Another possibility that's even more likely in my opinion, is that he is the one who got scared. If he intended to have the interaction go one way and instead it went a different way, towards a more serious relationship perhaps, it would seem he's not there yet in terms of his development to handle such a relationship. Perhaps he freaked out at where it was going, too soon, too fast, and that's not your fault. It's no one's fault, it's just a matter of, he's not where you are. I dated a guy that also said I was his dream girl, his soul mate, spoke of long term etc, and even - get this - took me to europe to meet his family. When we returned, he dumped me. On my birthday.
It took me some time to realize he was simply too immature and got scared. He realized his words meant something to me and he couldn't handle it - he couldn't live up to what he said because it wasn't the truth. He wanted it to be but he was too immature to know what it really meant. If he was man enough, he would have a) never spoke bigger than his truth, b) talked to me about it like a man and said he went too fast too soon... however there's no way he was mature enough to own up to his mistakes. I also figured out that something he told me before, about his childhood, had a big part to play in his behaviour with me. He had been abandoned by his own father years before when his dad cheated on his mom and he was always suspicious of a great relationship. So when things got serious for him, he freaked out and dumped me as cruelly as he was abandoned by his father.
You don't know what issues men have that can affect their ability to have a great HEALTHY relationship. If a guy doesn't have his crap together at this point, my dear, consider that you dodged a bullet.
The thing about men, is, if you don't see their actions matching their words, honey - it's NOT worth your time. I know without looking at you, you know how to make yourself look cute and ready for a date. You know you're worth a man's (not a boy's) love and affection and TIME. If one minute he's there and the next he's gone, then honey, so you too must move on. You don't want to convince someone like this to be with you if they are so messed up they don't know themselves enough to realize what they want in a relationship, and then end it like a grown up and say, i'm sorry I'm not quite ready for where this is going.
If he's playing some kind of game, making you wait a long time without a good reason for his absence, then it's bye bye, you'll find another. By how you write, you're smart and sweet and lovely.
What I'd like to ask you is, what homework have YOU done for yourself to get the relationship you desire? How well do you know yourself? That's where your real power is.
Have you written out a list of likes and dislikes? Hopes and dreams? Deal breaking behaviours? What are you doing to put yourself on project status? On priority? A serious relationship is a serious business. Choosing a partner in life is THE most important decision you'll ever make in your life. Realize a man must be worthy and deserving to put a ring on your finger - as long as you treat yourself with integrity and dignity and self respect.
There are things you should be doing for yourself to recognize your worth and start behaving as such. Are you writing in a journal? Are you sure you're registering on a good dating site? Is this a site for easy hookups or for real relationships? Are you moving on if he doesn't meet your requirements? Take yourself seriously and you will get a serious response from the universe. KNOW who you are and what you stand for.
I'm not suggesting you aren't doing any of these things but i'm suggesting you make sure you're thinking about them and making yourself more of a priority. Your heart is not something to be treated casually so don't treat yourself casually. Set yourself up for success and you will have a successful relationship, the one you dream of and deserve!
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i do not know what going on but that is confusing best confront him and ask if the next date is still on that should not of scared him off.
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Hi hon. I have had some of these kinds of dates too. I even met couple of guys who looked like male models...Hot!
Here's what I figure could be going on based on what happened to me.
I met guys on a dating site first and met face to face for coffee once we learned of each others existence. There were plenty of guys who said all the things that your guy said.
That first part of getting along and feeling like you've known each other longer, is part of whats important to a relationship, being able to be best of friends.
There is however the romance and sexual part of a relationship that needs to work well too and sometimes I couldn't tell just from meeting and getting along like old friends. It was when we got to the point of kissing goodnight that I experienced whether there was any chemistry between us romance wise or not. Now just think what if he had kissed me and it felt wrong, gross like having a brother or dad or uncle kissing me romantically. I've had kisses like that which clued me in instantly that our pheremone connection wasn't on both parts, maybe only one of us or neither felt it.
So You both may make best of friends but when a male is looking for a female in a relationship, he wants it all to be good, being the best friend status and also the sex or attraction being the same.
He may have shown enthusiasm at the time but after thinking on it, realized that the spark for the romantic part isn't there. How does a person who was saying how great things are going now take it back and say, well maybe I spoke too soon. After the kiss, I realized I didnt feel any sexual chemistry. I'll use different words cus everyone can force themselve to have sex but its making love that most of us want and that is what is a special part of a relationship.
If this is the case for your guy, he may be too embarrassed and without a clue what to say to you.
Neither he or you did anything wrong from what you shared. Dating for fun can't come until you've dated to find the person who is right for you and there are going to be plenty of ups and downs in dating, discovering traits you do not like or won't tolerate, what you do like in a person and so on. So there will be lots of dates that don't go well and dating that doesn't conitue to grow into a relationship. I know the world of dating is confusing but one has to get out there, stay out there and not give up until they find the one who is just right for them.
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