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Advice from whom are spiritual: I'm giving up on God.
19/f
Apologies for posting it on this advice site, but I didn't feel the need to create an account on some religious forum if there's the chance I'm only going to give up on God.
I have involuntarily endured death-filled mental illnesses since before I was a teenager. I can remember being eleven and asking my parents what death was like because I wanted to leave this cruel, cruel world so badly. Ever since then, every single day I have created these disgusting, bloody suicide scenarios in my head and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop. It's like an addiction.
I'm a moron, I'm beyond the definition of stupid. I can't understand anything, but maybe it's my depression and poor gamma waves?
I'm not passionate about anything, which depresses me even more.
I constantly have these unbearably painful anxiety attacks and at the time wouldn't mind stabbing myself with a knife.
I DO take my meds daily. I have been on SO many different meds, on SO many different dosages. None of it works. I HAVE seen multiple psychiatrists and therapists and in-home counselors. None of them helped. I have been to the mental hospital over six times. Nothing helps me. :'(
I've tried talking to God countless times. but he doesn't seem to listen at all. I love him with all my heart, I really do. I have always seen him as my best friend and I couldn't live without him. But I feel like he has given up on me all this time, because I'm only getting worse, I feel. I even scream at him and tell him exactly how I feel. I tell him I hate him because I don't understand how he could make me suffer like this if he loved me like everyone tells me he does.
Please don't tell me he's making me go through this to make me stronger. It's been so long and I've been strong for far too long. I can't take it anymore. I just want him to listen to me. Why won't he listen to me?! I just want him to fucking listen and help me for once.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. For 100% sure, God is crazy about you and is definitely NOT doing this to make you stronger!
I think there may be something around you that's keeping you from hearing God. Are you into the occult at all? Ouija boards, tarot etc can get in the way. I used to be into ouija boards 30 years ago and it really messed up my life for a long time. I had to really turn to Jesus and turn away from that stuff, then get deliverence prayer (which wasn't scary at all!) and now I'm totally free and very happy and close to God.
Even if you haven't been into that stuff, it sounds like you may need some deliverence prayer - it's not a big deal as Jesus died for us to be free and loads of us need help/deliverence to be so! You need some good prayer and direction from a good, solid church. I'm not sure where you are but if you're in the UK I'd contact this church: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) and speak to Pete Carter, the pastor. If you are not near Kent, they can recommend a good church near you who can help.
If you're in the US I'd contact this church: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) Again, if you're not in N California, still call them as they are very clued-up and can recommend a good church near you who can help.
Both churches are seeing regular deliverences and miracle healings and they are really normal and fun. Not whacky! :-)
Here are loads of video testimonies from people, many of whom have been very broken and desperate in the past. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If you call them explain exactly what you've posted here - don't be too reticent or they may not understand your situation.
God bless you and I'm praying for a big change for you right now!
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The first thing that leaps out at me is how much of what you just wrote us does your psychiatrist know? Have you been this brutally candid with the people who have treated you thus far. They need to know how constant these thoughts are in your head and visions of death and suicide.
You need to keep a ledger and tell them that you take medication daily but none of this ever goes away. These suicidal thoughts and visions need to be told to a doctor immediately. I would phone yours in the morning and request assistance. You aren't well and they need to know it and start looking at the fact treatments to date have not put a stop to actual illness.
I understand how frustrating this must be as getting meds and an illness to become stable is often brutal and uncomfortable but you need to stick in there and be loud and vocal about what isn't right so that it can be fixed and will be over time. Don't give up.
As far as God goes I can understand faith being heavily shook. I've felt that myself. However, and not to be religious but think about a shepard and his flock. He always knows where they are and is protecting them at every moment even if it seems otherwise. You cannot be separate and reflect him. Hold to that. It's my personal belief that God isn't the source of your illness either.
The illness and what it's saying or passing itself off as like it does with bipolar and other severe ones is really presenting the sufferer with a counterfeit view of themselves, reality and seeing the world and life through a distorted lens. As far as listening goes listen back even harder. As you recognize what the illness is doing and can be brutal with doctors it will get sorted out.
It may be a good idea to find another doctor for a second opinion on everything who hasn't treated your illness before. You might find you have better treatment options, a clear cut diagnosis and that your medication is right or wrong.
It's clear that the same person has tried 6 times in hospital setting but is not getting to the root of your problem if you still present as quite ill.
The suicidal thoughts concern me and it's something you need to tell people about as it is a warning sign and a pretty big one that something is clearly wrong and could become a crisis easily.
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