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I regret being a friend with benefit
Hi everybody.I am 18 years old,and i just got out of a relationship that really sucks.
Well, first we was besfriends, and i just fell in love with him, he's in my class btw, but things seemed normal till one day when he kissed deeply, and moved on it the day after, things became weird between us, saying he was confused but he liked me then, without noticing , i find my self in a friends with benefits relationship, in the beginning he said he wasn,t ready for it andd stuff, but then it turned out that he used to tell me that he cared abt me just to get what he wanted from,me , with no one of my friends knowing, we didn't have sex and i'm still virgin (till marriage), we just kissed,handjob, b_job, fingering...and i'm just feeling disgusted from myself, cz in the end i knew he was using me but i still played the game, it continued for 6 months almost.I just need help to move on it and gain my self-confidence and trust men again , cause it was my first experience and it was really bad, and now i think all men are like that.
More, in the end of the year he started telling our classmates abt it, making me ashamed and sinful in front of myfriends, and treating me as a bitch.
School is 2weeks from now, how should i react with him, or with any of our classmates.
I'm counting on ur help.
THANKS
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Advice gave correct definition of 'friends with benefits'. However, now its a matter of how you define 'having sex' that determines if thats what you truly were, "friends with benefits".
Although it happens all the time with teens cus teen boys have sex on the mind all the time, hoping for a real life female partner and then bragging about it to their friends or tearing down the female.
When two people are doing anything sexual, that is considered sex, these days. You are saying that you did not have 'penis in vagina' (intercourse) part of sex. Yes, this is only a part of all that is considered sex. Afterall, how would you answer the question, "At what point, do gay people officially have sex?" With 2 vaginas or 2 penises, there obviously can't be penis in vagina sex and we're excluding dildos and fingers for this.
So according to how I see as when someone is having sex, you did and so are no longer 'virgin' meaning untouched by a male. You've touched him and he's touched you for the purposes of pleasuring each other. Therefore, if you both truly were best friends before, then yes, I suppose if both of you discussed having sex together and both decided it would be a good thing, then yes, its a friends with benefits deal.
When a young male tries to bowl over a gal with attention and fancy words and a supposed friendship only to get into her pants and get her into his, this reeks more of teen male pulling a fast one of you, tricking you, all to get his own satisfaction. Many young males feel peer pressure if they haven't had sex yet in HS. and so often times, they will completely make it up, picking out a girl and making up the whole sordid story of taking her virginity. And this is done just to save face with peers but with no care as to what it will do to the girl. What two people do in private, at any age, behind closed doors is strictly their business and should not be blabbed around in public.
Since he started blabbing this all to classmates last year, it shows me that he doesn't care about what this does to you. Someone who doesn't care about me and would do something like that to me, I do not consider them a friend. While a person can 'act' the part of friend in the beginning, at some point, a person who is 'acting' or its called putting on a persona, a false character or identity, the false facade doesnt last forever and through cracks in their kept up pretense, the real self with show thru.
So whats happened is that his real self came through loud and clear as far as I am concerned. And his real self is not even remotely anything like a best friend. Trust me that not all men are like that. I also happen to know that the men who are the male version of sluts when they were younger, can settle down and become wonderful devoted husbands in the future. I never knew my 2nd husband when he was young but he was very sexual at a young age and couldn't get enough, although he still treated the females well. But having different women all the time was no big thing. At some point, some of these men will wise up and fall in love with just one woman. This however doesnt happen often in teen or college years. Yeah, they may love and have sex and lots of break ups until a mature sincere person meets the right one.
So don't let this one experience color your outlook dear. There will be many more learning experiences with high points and also heart breaks. But the thing is for you to learn from each bad experience to choose someone a step better next time instead of settling for less or the same. Eventually, you'll know how to spot a phony, or immature person or ones who are not sincere and only want sex.
There is nothing wrong with the sex that you did. It is not a shameful sinful thing. God gave us sex to be a very special way for two people to express their love together. Its just that humans have been able to find all sorts of ways to make it a bad thing. At worst, you could only really label yourself inexperienced and naive and that is not a crime.
So enter school with your head held up high, become confident and until you do, just act confident. Do not let what he did and said influence how you feel or give you worry that others make believe him. Actually it does you a favor, weeding out more people like him who would believe him 100% over getting the real story from you. This kind of ridiculing is a form of bullying and I got lots of that in school. I was also shy then.
Remember, bullies need a payoff. And their payoff is when they get reactions from you, trying to negate what they say, shaking, crying, yelling, sulking. If they see that it doesnt faze you, most will stop. While I am one for not stooping to his level, if he still persists in tryig to make trouble for you with your friends and others, only then would I go with advicemans suggestion of turning the tables on him and saying something degrading about him, and guys value their penis so thats a good place to start. If it still doesnt stop, you might check with a school counselor as to what can be done is he goes around telling sex stories about you and treating you like a bitch.
Your own friends show really know better but then, during teen years, that is sometimes a hard lesson for teens to learn. SO if you feel the need to have a talk with friends... you could let them know what parts are true and whats not. Gove your impression of his pretending to be best friends only to get in your pants. And warn other girls off to him. Gain their support.
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You have nothing to be ashamed about. Statistically many of your girlfriends lost their virginity long ago and you still have yours. As for a friend with benefits, your was not what fits that definitions.
The definition of a friend with benefits is a friend who either of you can call upon to have sexual intercourse without any other strings. What you had was a person you could count on to cuddle with do some heavy petting and maybe make it to third base as we said when I was your age. No sexual intercourse no benefit.
At age 18 you are an adult even if you are in the last year of High school. You are entitled to enjoy that which all adults enjoy which would include a sex life should you want one. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that your friends probably haven't done and certainly not sinful. Even in the eyes of the church you have of committed a true sin as carnal knowledge has not happened.
My advice forget about him. If he continues to treat you like a bitch start a rumor he has a small dick. You should know as you are the one that only needed two fingers to jerk him off. As for your other classmates just be your old self you have no reason to act any different than you have always acted with them.
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