|
Self-doubt in a relationship?
Hi, I'm seventeen and my boyfriend is eighteen. We've only been dating for four months but obviously we've developed mutual feelings over time. I'm a christian and I've been raised from more of a conservative family and same for him. We both kinda have the same background. My mama raised me to ya know have manners, dress modestly, and love our Lord Savior Jesus Christ. My boyfriends mother has raised him the same as well. Yada, yada, yada.. I see girls who dress pretty skimpy nowadays and I hear that guys are really visual and they like to see that kinda stuff. That makes me uneasy. When my boyfriend is around attractive girls(or when I'm there with him), I start doubting myself and our relationship. That makes him upset and I feel awful.. we almost broke up because of it. I am very serious about becoming his wife too. I'm pretty thin 108, 5'4 and I've struggled with eating disorder and depression in my past. However, I still struggle with anxiety. I know I have confidence though because I'm confident when I'm on stage. I guess time will tell. I would love, love, love to get knowledgeable advice on this subject. Thank you so much.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am in my late 50s but I used to struggle with confidence. So I can state right now that the kind of confidence in ones talent or ability doesn't necessarily reflect the same when it comes to a girls appearance. I have lived long enough to see men of all ages react positively to me, more so in my older years where I am self confident in all areas. It doesn't seem to matter if I am getting wrinkles and grey in hair or I have a short torso, pudgy tummy, knobby elbows, and a big nose. Those are true of me by the way. But as a package deal, I win out over model types who have no self confidence, are shallow, have boring empty minds, and may be drama queens.
My first marriage was a Christian man. He did not value me much and abused me verbally for 20 yrs til I left him. My 2nd husband was not raised in the church but is spiritual. He doesnt spout a bunch of religion, instead he lives it and acts out what Jesus would do. The first one only talked the talk but didn't walk the walk.
Your boyfriend is with you because he likes who you are, inside and out. If he didn't, he would not be pretending to be with you, but just go for the sexier dressed girls. Most often, guys don't tend to want to put up an act to pretend they like one thing when they really want something else. Lots of guys I know just don't think or work that way. Its not the trait of males unless they happen to have low self confidence themselves, and a desire to appear a certain way if they think it will gain them brownie points which they hope will make them feel better. But something applied from the outside ( whats seen or heard or done) can not effect change on the inside. Therefore, to battle your issues, it needs to be done on the inside for you.
I beleive the best thing to do is address the eating disorder and depression and anxiety. That is something rampant and common today but that doesn't make it part of how God planned us. That all starts in our minds. I would highly recommend reading books by Dr. David D. Burns. One is on anxieties and the other on depression and other disorders. A person doesn't have to have mental illness to have a thought life that causes them so many problems. The truth is that many people actually do this but they just don't dwell on these thoughts long enough for them to cause problems. Heres the website for Dr. Burns and an excerpt from one book to give you a taste of what his books are like. HIs way of dealing with social anxiety are exactly what helped me be cured of that, although I got the exact same recipe from another private source long ago. However there are Dr. s today who use non medicine methods to heal that are more effective. Tho theres such a thing as chemical imbalance in people, those afflicted are very few. Most people are just stuck in negative or distorted thinking and from his list, I know I have done probably every one of them at some point.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location) and now the except:
REGARDING ANXIETIES
excerpts from “When Panic Attacks”
by David D. Burns
Causes of Anxiety:
Cognitive theory: Negative thoughts cause anxiety. Cognition is a fancy word for a thought. Every time you feel anxious or afraid ist's because you're telling yourse'f that something bad is about to happen. The fear doesnt result as of a particular situation you are in but from the negative messages you give yourself. When you change how you think, you change how you feel.
Exposure theory: Here, avoidance ins the cause of anxiety. A person remains anxious as long as they avoid that which they fear (ie heights, germs, etc) If shy, you avoid people. In this theory, the moment you stop avoiding but face the things you fear most, you'll defeat your fears.
Hidden Emotion theory: Being a 'nice' person is the cause of all anxiety. People prone to anxiety are the nicest people anyones ever known, people pleasers, avoiders of conflict and negative emotions. So these people when upset, sweep their feelings under the rug so to speak or stuff it deep down inside where it will fester until it reappears as an anxiety. Expose the hidden, undealt with emotions, solve that problem and most often, anxiety disappears.
Biological theory: Anxiety and depression come from a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs medication to fix it. Usually Xananz, Ativan, Valium for minor tranquilizers and anti depressants like Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft. Most the American Psychology Asso. Believe this is the only way to treat depression and/or anxiety, like a diabeties patient requiring insulin the rest of their life.
Which one is correct? Either you have to change the way you think, stop running from your fears, express your feelings or take a pill. Though a few may have been helped with medication, there are even more for whom it hasn't worked. Howcver the first 3 have a almost 100% success record, depending on which one is the issue causing anxiety in a person.
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
All or Nothing Thinking: Seeing things only in Black or White so that anything in gray in between isn't acceptable. So if not White and a success, you believer yourself Black and a failure.
Overgeneralization: Seeing a single bad event as a never ending pattern of failure. Failing one test and saying that now you're going to fail the class because of it.
Mental Filter: Dwelling on one negative thing you did and discounting all your positives. As in the one test failed, you refuse to acknowledge that you aced all the rest.
Discounting the Positive: Insisting that any of your talents and accomplishments don't count.
Jumping to conclusions: A belief based on things not warrented by facts, such as Fortune telling and Mind reading.
Fortune Telling: Telling yourself something bad is going to happen. If claustrophobic, and in an elevator, you may fear the doors will never open and you'll be stuck in there.
Mind Reading: You believe you know what others are thinking of you, their judgements of you and you voice these out in your head. Your boss asks you to come to his office and you start to think he feels you are inadequate in your job and you're about to be reprimanded or fired when all he wanted to tell you is that you were voted Employee of the Month.
Magification:& Minimazation: Exaggerating the danger of a situation in your mind. Blowing out of proportion any simple little thing. Say you discover a bump or patch on your skin and you've read or heard about something like that being a sympton of something major wrong so you worry believing you now have some of the other symptoms too and expect a doctor to find you have the disorder but you have a clean bill of health instead. Minimizing is seeing all your strengths and positive qualties as amounting to nothing.
Emotional Reasoning: You base your logical conclusions on how you feel. I feel scared so that means I am in danger at this moment.
Should statements: Based on a vague idea of how normal people are or the normal society so you say I should be more outgoing, I shouldn't feel nervous or unsure.
Labeling: You give yourself negative labels such as I am a fool, I am stupid, I am a loser that nobody cares about.
Blame: Has two kinds, self blame and blaming othersl
Self Blame: You beat yourself up for every little thing you can think of, including being anxious.
Other Blame: Blaming others and denying your own role in a situation or problem.
(I found my copies at my library. But you can order through bookstores if you decide what you want to read from checking out the website. BTW, my other source for recipe of how to get over social anxieties was straight from God when I prayed asking for help. It just strikes me as funny that years later, the exact things God told me that cured me, are written in the book on anxietys, so I feel you can trust that God is working through that man, a psychologist who has turned author in hopes of reaching more and healing more.)
]
Hello ! my name is madison i would like to talk to you because i just went through the same path if you could email me mrstatum2002@gmail.com i will be glad to help you out , Thank you!
]
As far as the religion goes, I'm not Christian, so I don't know how that works. Anyways, enough about the religion, I'm 17 myself and I'm a male. This might be a bit lengthy, so I apologize. It's okay to doubt yourself in a relationship. It's early in the relationship, depression, in my eyes, cannot be overcome. You get it once, that's it. BUT, it can be managed. If his faith is as the same as yours, don't worry about how other girls dress. Girls who show themselves like that, in my opinion, are very desperate for attention, or to jump on another guy. (I'd describe them in a different way, but I respect your faith so I won't say it.) Also, follow your faith, ask for his help. I'm sure your boyfriend doubts himself too, everyone does, but don't let self-doubt destroy a great relationship. I don't have too much experience with relationships, cause of my insecurities, but I hope this gives you some sort of light. If you need anything else, I have a contact email if you wish to here more. Have a good one.
]
More Questions: |