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i asked that question why cant men be honest etc
this is in response to your answer..thanks a bunch first off, great advice...I did ask him was he single he told me yes and that is when I proceed with the asking him out.....nothing has happened between us. we never went out, he'll massage me here and there or rub/touch the small of my back if he hasn't seen me in a while....ive never told him I know his secret...I do enjoy his friendship but I don't know how he'll take me doing research and finding out what he shoulda told me from the get go, he has a fiancée and he has been with this woman for 14yrs and they have a kid together....my family calls me an infedle....im not screwing this man, even though I know that is his goal and has been for the past 3 yrs, but ive told him he isn't getting any....how do I let him know I know his secret without losing his friendship. or should I just let him go all together and don't speak to him again. I see him everyday though. thx
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Sorry. I didn't realize that you had asked him and he answered. I'm not sure now about the solid court-proof evidence you have from your research because that can determine whether you say anything at all, or how you proceed .
And this time you've revealed that he sometimes massages your neck or touches the small of your back. I didn't know this before. These gestures may look innocent but they are another way of conveying information to you and i would call it flirting but it can also be seen as sexual hasrassment on the job, even if a guy doesn't come out and ask you to have sex with him. I too am a person who touches others when I speak but I do not do so in a very intimate manner as he touches you. If it happened to me, regularly, not a one time thing, then I would take it as the guys way of letting me know he finds me sexually attractive and wants to get together. In my books that would be strike 1 against the guy. And that makes me suspicious enough to at least if not consciously, then subconsciously not feel at ease with him as far as wondering about his intentions. If someone touched me that way, and I found I liked it, then I would probably have thought he wanted to date and more maybe. I would want to know if he was single too. Just hearsay from people who are reliable may be true but there are always exceptions to everything in life. So someone you asked may have a silent vendetta against him and saw this as an opportunity for revenge by making up a detailed story to you. Yeah, probably not likely but verbal info isn't enough to truly incriminate a person but photos and video are not as easy to fake. So lets say you found his fiancee on twitter or facebook and viewed photos of him with a woman and child that is labeled as being their kid and they are a couple. Phones messages and texts can be proof too that a person knew the other person in question.
So what if he didn't have a fiancee? Would you be interested in dating him? If he is truly innocent and this is some horrid prank, he doesn't deserve to be accused of lying or flirting with other women than the one he is promised to. Being engaged 14 years is a long time. So I am lost here because I feel there is missing info again. I don't know if you mean where children in some country have the parents arrange a marriage and they are considered engaged/promised to each other until they are of legal marrying age, or wether this is just a guy who is stalling or has cold feet. Its not that hard to forego the fancy wedding one can't afford and just get married in front of a judge so I don't understand why its been a 14 year long engagement. If its not a different culture thing from the U.S. then I would say there may be something fishy going on with the information you gained that he is engaged 14 years.
Lastly you want to know whether to let him know, fear of losing his friendship or whether to let him go altogether. Hon, it really depends on what you want because if you accept his friendship at the office, thats one thing and no problem but in accepting his special ways of touching you, you've sent an unspoken message back that you like and welcome it even if you didn't take it that way. In some companies, men have been called out for sexual harrassment for lesser things and touching a female repeatedly even if she didn't like it but was afraid to say something, is often still seen as sexual harassment. until you believe him to be single, I am sure it will trouble you so you need to at least ask him to stop. You don't have to say why...he must obey that request no questions asked. If he wonders why you could then tell him that since he and you are not an official couple, touching of an intimate nature is appropriate only for that kind of couple which you are not. Let him know right then you are monogamous and will not share any man with anyone else. Then ask him what his intentions are. If you are truly single as you say you are and by single I mean not dating a girl or engaged, then why would you touch me like a husband but not make a move to me in all this time to start dating. I thought about it and figured the two don't mix for just an office friendship. I do enjoy the friendship but you will need to lay off the other stuff unless you are willing to let me meet all your family and you proudly announce to them that I am your girlfriend." In 14 years if his family has not met this gal, something is seriously wrong. Whether this is an arranged marriage they set up or not, he would not be able to introduce you that way to his family without them becoming enraged with his behavior.
You are possibly correct that he has a secret hope of a relationship with you as well, maybe even just for sex. If just for sex, guys want an easy lay, not the one when cheating that they have to work too hard to get. He figures the attention he pays you if not too hard a thing to do for years, hoping that one day it will give him a pay off of you wanting to go to bed with him. He may do this with others too. If you say enough and say the right things, he may realize that just for sex, it's a no way with you because you are no longer going to accept his attentions without saying anything and he could face a sexual harassment case.
Can guys be just friends with a female at work but not interested in her to date or for sex? YES! My husband is a good example. He's had females for friends but he would never touch them as you described. I've had the chance to meet any people he works with and he is always proud to show me off as his wife. It's easy for me to see that there is no longing for, disappointment in the women or jealousy in any of these transactions. He also would not be so dumb as to introduce me face to face to females he is hoping to have an affair with if he wasn't truthful to the gal either and she thinks him single or divorced. That would surely kill her interest in him if there ever was one. So if trying to create an interest in you to be his lover on the side, he will not want you to meet his friends or family.
If he's on the level, he'll have no problem either way, whether he's single and as a gentleman honors your request to not touch you like a lover but is still wanting to remain friends. And he would likely apologize if this is just his personality and he treats most people the same way but didn't realize it made you uncomfortable and then you could enjoy just friendship at work. Or if he doesn't have a fiancee and child and is truly interested in dating you, the only question is whether your company has a policy about dating or married couples not working together in same company or in same department. In order to win you over and cancel out any reservations you may have about him, he'd be willing to be a more open book with you, even if he's the type of person not a man of many words, he should have no problem introducing you to family if he is truly feeling something for you and is not hiding anything.
You do realize if you decide to just up and stop talking to him without some kind of final conversation, he's going to have questions. In the basic way I came up with, maybe someone can think of a better one, you may be able to get your questions answered. Get out the whole truth. So at this stage, if you want to keep things peaceful and not awkward at work, I wouldn't stop a friendship but the terms of conduct for each of you as to what each of you believe in proper for just co worker friends must be spelled out. As in, "I'd love to continue to be just a friend at work and you've said you want to be too. So I am going to spell out what my boundaries are and what I see as acceptable and not acceptable if our friendship is to continue. Let me know if that is acceptable to you, if not, we can't remain friends and I expect you to not approach me for conversation ever again unless it pertains to a work related project we both must handle at certain points.
This may be helpful and may not if I don't still have the entire story but I think I've got enough that something has to be done.
I know how single women can enjoy recieving attention from a male. Yes, it feels good. It can be males we enjoy even just as friends, nothing more. But we have to be careful to not let our need for receiving this kind of attention lead us off track to be willing to tolerate certain behaviors. I allowed a guy to touch me like that at a new temp job without saying anything as he didn't repeat it when I didn't respond to him but i recall being a bit stunned to have a guy who wasn't my husband touch me that way. It temporarily confused me and caused me to take inaction. Once I thougt it over and told the husband that night, I decided if the guy did try it again, I would have to say, please don't touch me, if he didn't get the message when I pull away from his touch quickly. I know you didn't realize that just accepting the touch as friendship was misleading to him as an unspoken message so once you clear that up, you can be free of contributing possibly to this situation. Then again, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference with him depending on the type of person he is deep down at his core. I hope this helps you to think through your situation and decide what to do.
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