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why can't men just be open and honest for once?
so my guy friend is engaged, he is 42, im 32 but I didn't know this until after I asked him out and nothing occurred so I backed off and did some research ..... I don't know what the reason for him lying to me was, he has known me forever and we can talk about anything and I told him that and then I said ud make a good guy best friend and then he says, that's all we are? looking confused, I said yes, that was your decision, not mine....remember when I asked u out and then he stared at me and said yeah don't let that get you down...I said im not and till this day, he still picks on my daily, teases me, if im out he'll walk alongside me etc..one day out of the sky blue he says you deserve better while I was eating, and I asked what do you mean? he then said I deserve better than the taco dinner I was eating....I don't think he was talking about the food, I think he meant himself....why cant men be honest and just say hey you are a cool chic but I have a g/f or a fiancée and lets just be friends, I mean that isn't hurting anyone's feelings, that's just being honest....why cant men just be open and real for once.
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Good question. But I can't address that question anymore than you could answer all men asking "Why can't women be more grounded, logical and less emotional?" If someone said that phrase to Me as a woman, I'd be quick to point out that this is just a generalization and not all women are that way but we are quite different from males in how we think, how we reason, in making conclusions, and therefore in how we also act. Ever stop to wonder if somehow males are being read wrong, misinterpreted some of the times? This would mean there exists differing reasons for what one might see as being secretive, avoiding, non-forthcoming or not telling the truth.
Not everything in life is so black and white. Luckily there are authors and psychologists who have studied and can explain the differences between men and women. I have read a book by a Canadian author and psychologist who does just that in her book titled, "What Men Say, What Women Hear." The authors name is Linda Papadopoulos. It can't hurt to check it out of your local library if they carry it as mine did, or just pick it up at a local bookstore or have them order it for you.
Linda says: "We need to acknowledge that to a large extent, the way we interpret what is being said is based on the pre-existing beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world around us, not always based on the others intent.
It is impossible to tell somebody what they want to hear, when you can't understand what they're saying in the first place." She also addresses Common Thinking Errors. The type of thoughts we have, will influence what we say or do, same for guys. So maybe it would be helpful to know how they think and what they think to at least know if this is the difference of how a male communicates or whether in some cases, he truly is not being forthright and truthful.
As far as you not knowing before asking him out that he was engaged, that is not lying unless you asked him straight to the point, "Are you single or seeing someone or engaged and he answered No. Then that would be a lie. For people to choose for whatever reasons not to share all details of their personal life so readily is not lying. It is either purposely or unknowingly holding back helpful information to another.
As far as this guys choice of words, In saying "You deserve better", I am with you, my womens' intuition plus experience in this world has me thinking he's not referring to the food. If it were about the food, and he wished you could eat like 5 star restaurant meals for the rest of your life, he'd have said something more like my husband sometimes says, "I wish I were a richer man so I could spoil you with more dinners out and everything else you desire and want.
Let me digress here for a moment as to what makes a great relationship. It takes two very important things to make up the foundation of the best relationships and one is being the best of friends and the other is the best of lovers or in other words, sexually compatible and having chemistry. However a great amount of couples have only the friendship or only the sex and have to go looking outsid the relationship for the rest when it would be better to realize one is with the wrong person and go looking for the person with whom you can have both. That is hard when there are feelings for the other and not wanting to hurt them.
I shared that to set up this long shot. I may be very wrong but my suspicion has been raised. I've answered you before when your question about what he said was presented differently. This time in this context, I am picking up on another possibility. He seems to agree he wants you as a friend, perhaps that is what is missing with the fiancee? Maybe they have a great sexual relationship but are not close at all otherwise, not treating each other as best friends would. So there may be a lack of the emotional support as one would get from a best friend. So he tries to get that from you without your being in the loop on whats going on. He may be very aware of what he is doing and that he doesn;t have all he wants from one woman only half. Then again, he may feel in love with both of you cus his statement of You deserve better could mean you deserve better me. But he may have slipped up temporarily when his emotions got away from him and so he spoke what he was feeling. He may feel guilty about keeping you in the dark, but not want to lose you as a friend, he just may not feel enough desire for it to work as a relationship and have the good sexual half of the equation. When a person doesn't know enough about something, the best we can do is ask and learn. However, males tend to not wish to ask, trying stubbornly to figure out and come up with a solution all on their own. My husband still does that. He was searching for his car keys the other day and must have spent 45 minutes looking everywhere in the room. However when I asked what he was looking for and if I could help he did not answer me. Finally after wearing himself out with me watching him as I tried reading my book, he asked and I pointed out their location. I knew where he'd left them. I'd seen them as I was cleaning and left them there assuming he'd remember they were there too. This may be a simple example but it gets more complicated from here. Guys want to be able to do it on their own! I simply told him, next time, remember how much time you wasted searching and at least let me know in the beginning what you are looking for when I ask you over and over. I may not know but in some cases, you sure could find things faster if you shared it with me.
I don't let that bother me as in my case, he does share about the big things that are on his mind, its just the small stuff he still tries to do on his own.
If as you said, you can talk about everything and anything as friends, then sometime when its fairly private and you both can talk without others overhearing, maybe like outside, you could start with saying you are still mulling over this convo and what he said and you can't just let it slide because until you know otherwise with more information presented, something doesn't add up to you. Then go over it with him. If he is truly your best friend, then he should be able to let you know he loves you more like a friend a sister, not a mate. But if he feels in love with both of you, then either he needs to hear about finding one woman with whom he has both important parts of the foundation to the relationship or if he is one of very few people who have the capability of being polyamoristic, but may or may not know it, that needs to come out or he will be troubled at times during his life with relationships if that doesn't come out as he would need to learn all the do's and don't of such a relationship status. I won't go into it but I know people who are poly, polyamory meaning having the ability to love more than one at once and not an excuse for sex with anyone you want but actual real full on loving relationships like ones marriage, with others. I recall poly people finding new partners usually through poly groups but many would lament about being into someone they know who isn't poly but too afraid to b ring up the subject for fear of misunderstanding and the other being totally against it, being monogamous instead in nature. This indeed could make a person come across as kinda flaky. As I said, these are really long shots in my thinking and I could probably dream up all sorts of other fantastical scenerios to explain this away, but you know that he is the only one who can. Let your womans intuition continue to guide you. If you feel the need to know the truth to know there won't be an angry fiancee coming after you then ask, otherwise you don't need to do anything. But if you're like me, you have some of the Private investigator or forensic analyst in you where if something doesn't seem quite right or really puzzling, I will dig and dig to find if there is any rotten apples at the bottom of the barrrel or end up being content to know there was nothing wrong to begin with. I don't just accept things at face value tho many may not think I do that. If you are like this, you will need to ask some very pointed questions, not asking general ones of him that he can answer yes or no but specific questions...if he says he's willing to answer and hold nothing back. Good luck.
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