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he seemed perfect in every way and then I found out he broke every promise
This is long, and can't be fully understood until read to the end. But I desperately need help. I would appreciate it so much.
I am torn , confused, and shattered. I can't function.
To start.. I broke up with my boyfriend recently. He is from Germany and I am from America. We met on Omegle about a year ago. We were friends for several months before we fell in love, and we very close until we became best friends. We also have skyped numerous times.
He used to seem perfect, and like the perfect match for me. And he seemed soooo similar to me in ways that are hard to find. And this was extremely rare as I am way different than most people. He overflowed me with love and was always there for me. He always called me perfect and precious, and said the sweetest most loving things I've ever heard... You have no idea. I could go on for a LONG time about it. But trust me, it was unlike anything I've ever heard from a guy. Also, he read my messages so quickly, and talked to me all day till he fell asleep, except in the beginning sometimes he took a bit longer between replies. Anyway, also he told me he didn't find other girls hot, pretty, cute or anything. Also, that he didn't ever have sexual thoughts for other girls or get turned on by them, etc. And honestly , if I had a partner who did I'd feel terrible. I wish I didn't feel that way. I am afraid I won't ever find someone like that. Although ... He may have been lying and you will see why later. Even so I would feel awful otherwise. As a reminder again we were long distance and hadnt met yet (there a reason , due to external circumstances)
Also - He's in high school still at 20 because he did an apprenticeship for 3 years - which he hated so he went back to finish high school. He said his class is mostly girls. So he has two friends , I'll call them E and M. He went to E's and M was there too. But it was late into the night , 2 or 3 am. He stopped when I said it made me feel uncomfortable.
So anyway, everything seemed great for a while. He even did things like buying the same phone as me because he liked everything that had anything to do with me.. and saving money to move to USA as soon as he can. He was willing to move here for me. And we would Skype for hours , and we... Did things on Skype too. 'Skype sex' if you will.. he waited a long time until we could (I often wasn't able to until later, and we have a large time difference) and he was willing to wait till when it was 6 am there in Germany to do it with me if necessary. Also, he was so loving about it and just I can't put it into words. He saw sexual things between us as an expression of love between us and something he felt for no one else now. I often had gotten emotional when we did it and I cannot describe it... And he loved me like no one else ever had. There is much more and I could go on for hours trust me, he seemed perfect. Perfect for me. The perfect partner that I ever wanted
(((by the way, the thing when he went to a girls house (there were 2 girls there he said, these two friends that I've always known about) and was there late into the night (3am) it made me feel weird even though he stopped when I said it makes me uncomfortable. And after my past relationship I had the fear that I might have no other way of finding out if he's as loyal as I thought, after what happened last time. I told a friend, she is an online friends. Keep reading)
I usually talk to him on Kik, a messaging app where you can have your own display name and picture (unlike SMS for example). my friend messaged him on Kik and started flirting with him (she told me why and that she was going to do it). She wanted to make sure he really is loyal. She did it on Wednesday. She told me she did it but when I asked for the response she said it was on her other phone , and that she'll check it later. I let it slide for 3 days.. with more excuses from her. so I got scared. I made a fake account later, with a different name and picture. when I told my friend about his responses and showed her, she also showed me the ones he said to her. I was crushed.
Before I write how the conversation went on Kik with him and my friend and how the Kik conversation with the account I made (the picture and name wasn't me) went - Its vital to first say - When we were still together, he promised me that he would tell me if a girl flirted with him. He also told me he would not encourage it and that he'd ignore her. He told me he would never say something like awwww to another girl as a response unless it was something such as a sister or child etc. And him and I considered it cheating in our relationship to call another of the opposite gender cute or hot etc to their faces and promised to absolutely never. Plus he claimed he didn't even didn't even find othevgirls cute or hot, etc. anymore. But now, I wonder if that's even possible. But as I was saying, keep in mind that we took promises very seriously. It's not about the actions, it's about the set boundaries being crossed. And he crossed several.
Here is how the text conversation went between my friend and him. Also, the things in [[[ ]]] refer to comments im making about it and it isn't actually in the conversation. Also , what I say in between texts is just saying that a certain amount of time passed and it wasn't one of the texts exchanged. so here is how it went between him and my friend.
Her: hey cutie, we met on Omegle a long time ago, wanna chat?
[[[Him and I met on Omegle. He went on there back when he was lonely going back to school after the apprenticeship. We were friends for many months before we fell in love and he met a few other people on there too]]]
Him: we did?
Her: yes we did
Him: oh okay. Why did you decide to text me? :)
Her: you're really hot!!
Him: I am? Thank you.
A few hours later ..she hadn't read it or replied yet
Him: so you want to do things? Haha
[[[Him and I used doing things as a phrase meaning doing sexual things, usually over Skype and sometimes we would both be self-pleasuring while typing long messages... I won't go into detail but again its something uncommon it seems. It was so full of love and connection. Anyway, he also thought the phrase doing things is commonly known to mean to do something sexual in English ]]]
Some hours later again..
Him: are you there?
-
Now here is what happened in the text conversation on account I made with a different name and picture. First,, while texting with me (on my real account),he wanted to find something to eat. He left to get something then came back Shortly after is when I texted him on the fake one. He the told me he couldn't find anything he likes then he said " i guess I'll make a sandwich 😒 brb". then he went to go chat with the fake account... Um, that's not making a sandwich. When I confronted him on that later, he told me he was going to but wanted to see who the hell was texting him. But I didn't believe him because of everything else that happened in the Kik chat with this girl (that I was actually behind).
Anywho, this is how it went.
The girl[[[it was me but pretending to be a real girl ]]]: Hi
Him: hey
The girl: how are you?
Him: I'm great, thanks . How about you?
The girl: Great ;) I like your pic
Him: awwww thank you :) I like your pic too.
Her: no problem ;) you're really cute
Him: awww you think so?
Him again: so are you
Then I confronted him...
I told him the account I made wasn't real and I told him the truth about what my friend said. I broke up with him because he did everything he said he'd never do. His excuse was that he didn't know why he said all that to her (it wasn't a real person and I told him that right after, it was me behind that account I made). I told him I have no way of knowing he didn't do that many other times. Then he accused me of not trusting him earlier in the relationship. But I was scared sometimes back then because of the late nights with the two girls and because of what my previous ex did. He tried to take the conversation off himself.. but I didn't let that happen.
His excuse for his response to my friend was that he wanted to find out if it was a fake account or not. He told me he only asked to do things so that he could find out if she's fake based on her response.
That's obviously a lie for multiple reasons:
1. He broke all his promises on the account that I made, and he did something we considered cheating. He broke my trust and broke his promises with many things in that chat. So then why should I believe what he says, especially about the chat with my friend?
2. It's a shady excuse. No guy Asks a girl to do sexual things unless he is really asking to do those things (sexting, pictures, Skype sex etc). And he didn't tell me about either of the girls (one or them not being actually real) until I confronted him... Another violated promise. Also, he said in the chat with my friend why did you decide to text me? :) He was friendly about it even though she was flirting with him. first if all he me before also that he never even uses emojis with non friends. That's only one little detail. his emojis showed that he was encouraging it and he went along with it. Also, When she called him hot, he said "I am?". If he suspected she's fake like he claimed, he wouldn't say that(also I've assured him countless times about his looks in the most loving and heartfelt way). These together all are supporting that he is a liar.
3. If they seemed fake, he wouldn't care to say the things he did. And instead of asking to do sexual things to find out if he was fake (Like I said, he claimed that's why but it sounds like a lie), he could've easily said something else.
4. Triple texting over several hours. He even said "are you there?" Several hours later at one point.
5. He easily coudlve said anyway that he has a girlfriend and told her to stop that. He told me that what he would say If something like this happened, and that he would tell me about it. He did not
6. And more.. needless to be said.
Part of me wants to believe his excuses because of the past with him and how he definitely seemed trustworthy and loyal
.... he seemed perfect. But I can't believe such stupid shady excuses. This is pure logic. So im torn and confused.
But either way, he broke my trust and broke several promises. And it definitely seemed like he asked the girl to do it... Not just because he wanted to know if she was fake!! And I already explained why it looks definitely like this excuse of his is a lie, in the above reasons I already listed.
And no guy doesn't know why he does a bunch of things that were breaking promises. He claimed he didn't mean to call the girl cute (in the chat on the fake account I made) There's no way he doesn't know why he called her cute or said the phrase awwww thank you :) when he explicitly told me he would not. And he broke other promises too that I mentioned such as telling me , and telling the girl he has a girlfriend and asking her to say such things. Also when my friend called him hot, he said "I am?" It shows he was enjoying the attention and he likely was insecure even though I told him many MANY times how I feel about him as well as his looks. And he was breaking another promise when he said "awwww you think so?" In the chat on the account I made. His promises were always clear and he guaranteed me that they'd not be broken. But he broke many. he broke my trust.
I'm feeling awful. I wonder about how many other things he hid from me and lied about. I don't understand how he was the way he was in the relationship yet he broke my trust and broke a bunch of promises. And also looking like he asked a girl to do sexual things. (I only say it looked like it because he claimed something else - but it was obvious that he meant it. And after the other chat, the overwhelming likelyhood is that he really was asking for it and didn't necessarily think she was fake. And he claimed to tell me the truth about the reasons. But they sound fake. Yet he used to seem so so so convincingly trustworthy, perfect, gentle, loyal, and any other such words you can think of. What gives? I'm sooooooooooooo confused , emotionally traumatized, and I feel like my heart got stabbed and cut. I can't even function.
I am deeply emotionally traumatized and confused. I can't handle it. He went from being the one who seemed perfect in every single way... to this. Or both at once. But I don't even know. And he used to be my everything! I keep crying all day and I feel the most terrible awful emotions! And it's so painful to lose someone who used to seem so loving and wonderful and all the things I described, and much much more. But yet he did what he did. And his reasons definitly looked like lies as I described. But yet he used to seem absolutely 100% loyal and trustworthy. I don't understand. I'm confused. Im also afraid of never finding someone like him again but without the disloyalty and trust-breaking. And im also confused because... Who knows what else he lied about before or what he might've done in the past?
I can't handle these emotions at all. I can't take it and they are indescribable, complex, and intense. I need clarity and advice. Especially on how to move on.
If you read through all of is, I appreciate it sooooo much. I feel indescribably awful and in pain. I can't even do anything, it is so debilitating. I don't know what to do. I also made a post on Reddit. They all said he wasn't my boyfriend because hadnt met him yet and that it wasnt a real relationship, etc. they said it wasn't love. They also said everything he did was a lie...but that would make no sense. I'm deeply confused and crippled and I need help.
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All the details were helpful. I can only share from my own experience though and what I learned about LDR's long dist. relationships and about behavior of guys.
As I read how you described him and you on the LDR over the net, it reminded me of a time late in my marriage to a man who was verbally abusive. I was not getting the love and respect I needed at home. So when I found this guy I'll call Alan on the internet, {actually he contacted me 1st} I had needs to be filled, especially emotionally and boy did he. Within weeks we were both in love but he lived in another state. We're not talking young people in their 20s or so but me approaching 50 and him past mid 50, so mature adults here and yet we were not thinking either. When people have an ldr, theres too much room for the other to get away with things, saying one thing but doing another. It was what others ran into. As for us, He hadn't lied. But Here's what happened, the kind of stuff you can't cover in an LDR on line. I made the move to go live with him after a weekend flight of 3 day visit to see if we had any chemistry. This is also something you can't determine ahead of time. I had met plenty of guys when I started my internet dating profiles. LOts of guys sounded good and I was already falling for them in days, and meeting in a week or two, dating local. Met some gorgeous hunks with what seemed like perfectly great personality and character but by time we kissed goodnight at end of this meetup usually a coffeehouse, the romantic kiss wasn't always enticing or arousing. Sometimes it felt disgusting like your own brother having kissed you romantically. This means we didn't have a good pheremone connection...something one can't change like your blood type. So that meant the sexual part of a relationship was out and I wanted that too.
However with the out of state guy, it was there, lots of chemistry. The problem as I began to live with him was to see the little things you wouldn't know about from a relationship over the net like how the person handles their budget and keeping to it or overspending, do they cook, what type of food do they eat, is it very unhealthy, are they into conservation of energy and the earth, do they keep a clean house, etc. the list is very long. I found this man to be very anal about almost everything in what occurred around the house. No sitting on couch until a throw was perfectly in place, walking around in the dark to conserve on electricity especially at night, etc. but at least he didn't yell, just was telling me constantly about things that weren't perfect, like I didn't leave something sitting in it's exact spot, it was off a bit. I was still willing to live with it cus he was the best guy I had ever come across after leaving my husband. This guy was separated tho. And after about 4 blissful months together, his wife wanted to work things out rather than divorce and he was torn but chose her as they have two grown kids together. So yeah, I can understand what you are going through. It was like instant adrenaline running 24/7, my heart pounding and aching all day long, no big appetite, trouble focusing and sleeping, I became very shaky and just had to take myself up by the boot straps and realize I didn't like feeling this way, no matter who or what caused it. I made a decision right then to look at it from a different angle. When I chose to think differently about it, I was finally able to get past it.
I began to study more on line and in books about relationships, human behavior and even a little psychology as far as it related to relationships of any kind, not just romatic. Dating do's and don'ts. As I studied, I began to see lots of other people had been burned in LDR's. I found that humans will always turn to what is closer or easier, especially when one has not had a relationship in person, face to face (f2f) with the other. No matter what vows to an LDR, you can't be held in their arms or be around enough to be able to see the things and inconsistancies that might make or break the relationship and trust can not be built on line. I was a trusting person too and quick to trust when I was young. Life taught me to not be so quick to trust and look for a consistancy in a persons behaviour to know if they are really what they claim to be or not.
You needed to have this trust too. So you went about testing this guy. You were doing what you felt might remedy your feelings of needing to trust. But if honest with yourself, there was no way to know if any thing he said was 100% true or not, even when defending himself. This is part of the full territory of what you must deal with when its a relationship with someone you haven't met.
And so I also would caution here, if you decide to still meet or for the future with someone else, the best plan is to take an LDR out of the net and into F2F asap. When the other lives states or countries away, I would suggest, each one takes a turn to make a visit to each other first. That way you have two exploratory visits to get a very brief handle on who you are really dealing with here before relocating and going off to live with someone who is about half a stranger to you. I understand you and I both learned plenty on line but that's only about half the person and the kind of things that may tear up a relationship are difficult to know from just over the internet.
And now to share from some bits of dating advice I've picked up from listening to men over the years. Males seem to be very afraid of saying or doing anything that might bring on tears or upset or bring on hysteria in their girl so often they will keep things from you, even stuff like, "Oh, I almost got killed on the job today as a delivery driver" cus their girl might freak out and demand he quit the job and find something safer. My own husband has kept things from me not to lie or cheat but only to protect my emotions. In time, as the danger is gone, then he will confess to having kept something a secret for a period of time. Pretty much every guy I have been close to has kept something from me only to protect my emotions at the time, slowly gauging how I am doing and choosing the best time to tell me, certainly not when I am stressed or worried from my day. This is a male trait and not to be confused with having original bad intentions in the heart. I am not defending your guy. I don't know him so I can't say but I am sharing this only for you to consider.
Heres another thing for consideration. What one person considers cheating may not be what the other agrees with. For many couples, talking with and even complimenting others of the opposite sex is not considered cheating. My 2nd husband is only into me; and without being a gay man has the sensitivities of one, and so females respond happily to any compliments from him. I have usually been at his side if this happens as he won't do it if I'm not..friends with him can verify. I'd say 9 out of 10 females with their womens intuition can tell he is not flirting or hitting on them but just being genuinely friendly and supportive. He is supportive of all females, not just me. Its his nature. But as to his loyalty, I am the only one who has that. However I would not have been able to feel this trusting and assured if I had not been able to be F2F with him and then live with him. He has been consistant in who he portrays himself to be. I have never had to ask him to promise me to not do certain things because I already know what his morals are, his beleifs, how he treats all women with respect, etc. At a New years party, the older single hostess got drunk and started demanding a dance with him. Everyone else got scared and froze when she became belligerant in attitude. I was laughing as she grabbed him because I know how he is not attracted to anyone but me, plus he hates dancing but to placate her, He allowed her to starting dancing. He actually has a condition he was born with where he mentally can't do the dancing or other things if too many things at once.
I have also read recently a book in which a female psychologist talks about sex and how females and males look at it differently.
I want to also share that with you right now as it may come in handy with this guy or with others in the future. Dr. Linda Papadopoulos in "What Men say, What Women hear". Basically we often fall for hearing what we 'want' to hear, not what a guy really meant. Heres her explanation:
"Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them."
So even if you had web sex, it isn't a guarantee that he is at the stage of his life, unlike It yourself, where he knows what he wants in a lifetime mate and is searching for her.
It may well be that right now he is more interested in sex and female friendships. Yes, I understand the emotional bond the both of you got online but it doesnt have the extra fighting chances as an F2F will give. Even F2F, it may not work out. But right now, as damning as it all sounds, take it from an outsider, that even as a female, if I were the judge over a court that dealt only in relationships, just based on what you alone have said, and not having his side of the story, I couldn't say for sure that he is guilty of anything that IS destructive to a relationship. And hon, to be honest, you can't know that for sure until you've had a chance to be with him in person, F2F for an extended period of time. What if this is all misunderstandings or attempts on his part to say and do the right things to make you happy cus he loves you but in immaturity doesnt know the correct ways to go about it. For example, I often put myself in the other persons shoes to understand. So if I were a male being contacted by your friend and she said the things she said first and it was only my responses to what she said, it sounds like a person not knowing anything more about a person and for lack of what to say to a stranger, if they compliment them, you are tempted to compliment them back as in "You're cute too or I like your pic too." If a girl says to me that I am hot...I am as a male going to wonder if she's one of those gals who is very sexual and looking for a new sex partner. So that being a difficult question to pose without offending the other if you are not quite sure, I really would have no way to know exactly what to say other than perhaps to joke about it and then see how she responds....which seems to have been his attempt.
Remember, in this one test....She started the convo. and the compliments, he didn't seek her out or make compliments first. If the first thing he did was say that she was a hot looking babe and she responded with something about his looks, then it would be another story.
If you wish to base your theory and the possible love of your life on only her and your fake contact of him, how are you to know that he doesn't go contacting women and aggressively approaching them for sex and such? You are not there. A man who is into you will want to spend time with you as he's done via the web, would he do the same F2F? That is the real question. Would he really be able to make the move here. Is there anything in his or a family members background that would be questionable to Homeland security where they may not allow him to come here to live. A visit may be the better choice to see if he's really all the liar you consider him to be, or if its a matter of misconceptions and misunderstandings based on where a male or female is coming from in their way of thinking and past experiences.
Ask yourself if you truly believe 100%, that you'd bet your own life on it, that he has been lying or cheating, not true to you in some way and if you're wrong, you can be put to death. Are you that sure? Or could you put your feelings of suspicion on a different track...using them to help you go on a different approach, to attempt to prove to yourself 100% if he is innocent or not in the only way you really can, by being there with him, not in a move yet, or him visiting you. Even this isn't good enough, and we all take chances if we don't have at least a handful of months to discover if it was all based on a pretence of character, just putting ones best foot forward to impress. We all do it to some extent but others knowing their faults do it to fool a person until they think they have the other one caught, on the hook to them...and thats when people drop their false images, cus it takes too much personal energy to keep up a fake image for long, weeks, maybe 3 mos to 5 mos for those really good with lots of energy. Even that hon, can't be viewed as a failure on your part in finding who you want in a partner, but it is part of the weeding out process of those who don't meet the basic qualifications.
If you feel that in some years time once you have recovered and met someone else that all you will ever do is wonder if this could have turned out different based on how you originally felt about him and wonder if you jumped to some conclusions when it isn't all that bad a situation to begin with, you could suffer more heart ache in the future to learn that based on your conclusions only, you threw away a man who despite some tweaking of what he may need to learn about women in general and in particular about how to deal properly with you and may have done so with proper uplifting and positive feedback from you, is now long lost to you and now you can never have him. People find their true love all the time and for whatever reason, even outside circumstances, or family opposition, don't end up staying together or marrying. I have the feeling you are one of those people who needs to feel 100% sure before you close the door on someone, even as just a friend. So I caution you to take your time. Despite the fact that the majority of the only successful LDRs are ones with already established F2F relationships who are torn apart a while when each attends colleges in different states or one goes out on assignment in the military, there are always exceptions to the rules and in case this one is an exception, you may want to check this out thoroughly.
Do I have any suggestions then? Sure I do. He's in love with the idea of living in America. I have a few German cousins like that but to my knowledge they've never made the move here where I grew up. You need to be sure that his love of you is stronger than his wish to come live here.
Put yourself in the other persons shoes before you speak or say anything. I'm a peace maker at heart so I do this. The last thing I will do is accuse someone of wrong or call them out on something. There are ways to fight fair if the need comes up and there may be a need here if he is guilty but even females, even you would shut down the moment someone starts chewing you out, a teacher or boss perhaps, and its worse if done in front of others, then theres humiliation tossed in as well and lack of respect for their feelings.
Yes, many are great believeable liars. But please watch how you word things in the future. Not saying to Not do things like run a test as you did. I know I would have been tempted. Just try to think like the judge of a legal court and realize what real solid proof is and what just might be full of holes or not proveable in any way before you make your final decision dear. I wish you the best cus I know how you are hurting, having been there before. If you feels it even feasible to start planning a long trip to see him one year and him the next to come see you, then you might want to start up communications again with only explanation being that you might have over reacted since you haven't anything totally solid to base your accusations on and you'd like to see if there is any real possibility of bringing this relationship into the real world meaning F2F starting with a visit to each others home in both countries to get a better feel for each other. And then deciding if there is any chance for a real long term relationship. Take things slowly too, as much as you may want an instant r esolution and Good luck!
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First of all....He is 20. Still in school...still living at home im assuming. I don't think he had the intentions of flying to the US to be with you. I think he was in for the thrill and probably did have feelings for you but who knows whats going on in his personal life.. Everything is so different behind a screen you don't know this person in real life. He could be totally different from being behind a screen. Honestly boys will talk to so many girls if its on a website. This basically reminds me of tinder this story like some guy will have his piroity girl but have all these other girls on the side. I don't think he wasn't going out looking for another girl and cheat on you but when the opportunity came up he was like oh i still have game kind of thing. Babe this wasn't going to go far i know its nice to have someone to talk to but i don't even know how old you are...Go out with friends meet someone in person. Thats the only way you are going to be happy. Doing long distance relationships arnt that great. I understand where your coming from but i think the best way to move on is meet someone in your area. Time heals everything. I think if you continue this realtionship its not going to get any better. He obviously didnt think he was going to get caught. Just take time to think about this, theres no need to be all stressed out about it. Just take time to yourself and realize it is his loss.
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