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This is a long one - sorry but please help me
female 13
Okay so i am in a "relationship" with a guy and he is sweet and everything, and i really like him like a lot.....but he is so shy and no matter how hard i try to break him out of that barrier he just stays in it. We have really only been on 1 date (and that's because at a school field trip we spent the whole time together by ourselves talking and all this other stuff, and it was really fun and all but that is all i really got. i have invited him to sooooo many things, but every time i invite him to something,he is a no show or has some lame excuse. Now many people say i am a flirty person and i am trying hard to dial it back a lot. And i have generally focused my time on him. But i recently broke my phone and i dont have my phone numbers from my phone.. SO i tried to get a hold of him via socail media on my sisters phone, i asked him to get a certain online texting app so i can text him and he said he didnt have enough storage...That kind of hurt me because shouldn't boyfriends do anything to keep in contact with their "girlfriends". So feeling a little neglected by him, my feelings are kind of draining but i am trying SO hard to keep this relationship going. I was going to break up with him but he begged for another chance and i gave it to him. Anyways, so since my feelings are slowly draining, i have sort of strayed, there is this guy at my church and he is sooooo cute. we both have feelings for eachother but i am not trynna be a cheater. The guy from my church pays a lot of attention to me and i feel like my body is pushing me towards him because he is giving me that attention that my "boyfriend" is not giving me. When i hear my "boyfriends" name i smile quickly and just think about how cute he is.. and how his shyness is kind of holding him back. But then i think of how i am trying way harder than he is and that is not how relationships work. When i hear the guy from my churches name, i smile for a while just because of the attention he gives me and how he seems so interested, i am not trynna be a cheater so i have never acted on anything with the church guy. I just need help because i dont wanna dump my "boyfriend" for another guy because that would be a shitty thing to do. But i also dont want my boyfriend to be giving in less than i am in this relationship. Anyone who can understand this and can help me please do because i really need it
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
When females go thru puberty and the years just after when they start to have an interest, along with the body changes, there comes a real need to be noticed and verified by males as being desireable and loveable as a female. Some young teens with a good Dad who is around will find they simply enjoy hanging out with Dad more, talking to him more about your day and accomplishment and basking in the compliments he gives on your school works, grades, artistics abilities, your character or even how you're so pretty that soon he'll need toget a baseball bat to scare away the hoards of guys who come looking for you. I had a Dad like that and that took care of my needs in that area so I didn't feel the need to date to get it. Dating is fine as long as its not all about getting ones needs taken care of. It should be a time of discovery as to what you like about a person and what you don't. Same as a new food MOm tried to get you to eat. I am sure she wouldn't accept your saying, I don't like it if you had never ever even taken a bite of it. Dating is like taking a bite of some new food, its first for exploring something, to find out if you'll like it. Then if not, you never eat that food again. So you are fine and normal at your age to want to date and have a boyfriend.
At this age, I don't feel making promises and commitments to one person to be only with them is necessary or even helpful to you as an individual. For example going back to the food analogy, let's say you finally tried broccoli and cauliflower and liked them and thought they were delicious. But you'd never had brussel sprouts. It wasnt until at a potluck you didnt want to be embarassed so you ate some and discovered you liked them better than brocolli and cauliflower. It isn't until you date several very different people that you are going to be able to figure out what you really like and don't like. This means at times, like eating a nasty icky food, you may be with a guy who begins to disrespect you, cut you down in front of others, or abuse in some other way. YOu decide what you will and won't tolerate. Then instead of trying to change a person who isn't ready to be what you want right now at this minute, you look for someone who fits the current ideals in your mind. Believe me, your ideals will change and grow over the years, even if married soneday and its not working out, you will be updating that list of what your're looking for to use when you are single again.
Early dating at your age is nothing like dating will be when you both are older and more mature and I am talking of past the teen years. As a teen I was shy or what is also called having social anxiety. SO I did have friends, but only the ones who approached me first. I didnt have the guts or ability to reach out first. It wasn't until my lsat yr in HS that I wanted to start working on my shyness and it wasn't until into my thirties that I finally overcame my anxieties in total, before that, it was just in certain areas but not all. Being a teen, he may need several years to grow out of feeling so self conscious or shy even if you say he's a boyfriend. So either at some point, either you or he asked the other of be the bf/gf ?? If not, accepting a date from someone does not bind you commitment wise to them. That would be the same like the moment you first ate an orange, you would eat no fruit other than oranges thereafter simply because you felt it was espected and the right thing to do.
If you feel ready to check out the other guy, all you have to do with any guys you know, currently have as friends, or even a bf is to let them know you've had time to think or read somewhere about dating for teens, and have decided that for the next couple of years, you will date guys but not make any promises to any one guy. YOu'll only do that when you are an older teen, or out of High school, just stick with whatever time scale you feel comfortable with at the time. Then let the shy guy know this includes him. You will continue to remain his friend. If he wants to spend some time with you, you'd love to do that. If he's not available or parents won't let him date yet, whatever the reasson, then you will invite someone else who can show. He must let you know if he doesnt like the idea of you having interest in, friends with and spending time with other guys because if thats the case, then you will no longer be available to him as a female friend to hang out with.
Honey, the guys who have problems with you being friends with and dating guys where neither of you are ready to make a commitment to each other, are guys who are insecure and often grow up to still have those insecurties and try to cover it up by being abusesive. Dating without making a commitment to be the girls only boyfriend is not a foreign concept to males. I have found there are far more males who practice this than not. And so if you explain to a guy that you like him and want to spend time hanging out with him at times even going on an offical date, but at the time, you are still young and not ready to commint to being an official girlfriend, most males will understand that. If they know this upfront, then seeing you talking to and flirting with another guy won't bother them as much if they agreed to this ahead. If their feelings changes at any point to want commitment, the guy would have to be forthcoming with that information to you. I dated again after a divorce and not a single man considered my dating several guys at the same time to be wrong. Whats wrong is doing it in secret back a persons back because you break trust with them. If you never enter such an agreement, then you are not breaking trust.
This is where females get confused, a guy wants to date them, wants sex and so she feels he's made a commitment to her when all he's doing is just dating around. Some guys figure out early on what they want in a partner for life and so are marrying early into their twenties. Some marry not knowing what they want, it fails and later in life with more wisdom and maturity behind them, they do find the right partner, like it happened for both me and my new husband. So if you are willing to date this way, you must be okay with lets say the church guy dating both you and a couple of other girls he may like. Theres nothing wrong with liking different people for different characteristics likeable in each. Some day, you and they will have a more complete list of what is liked and what is not when it comes to finding a long term partner or life long partner and you are only just starting down this path.
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Your 13 at the very beginning of your teenage years. Even though your writing show you to be very mature. At this point in your life you should not be in the type of relationship you write about. I know from others that this seems to be the norm today and I don't understand the rush to be in a relationship. It appears if you don't have a steady boyfriend and you have become a teenager then your an old maid.
Your teenage years are a time you should be exploring life, expanding your horizons, spreading your wings. Doing things with others maybe some silly things, we all did them. Get to know many people and find out just what makes us different from one another. You need to date many different boys. In my day it was called playing the field. We dated in and out of our circle of friends. Yes we went steady, as it was called and most of those relationships lasted a few weeks to a few months.
Of all my friends only one married from within our group of friends as young teenagers and they really did not get together until after we all graduated from High school. The rest of us after High School went our separate way off to college or the military we met new people made new friends and married people we met after high school. Few of us have stayed in touch with each other since leaving high school as our lives and interest have changed.
This will be the same for you as you grow through the teenage years and go off to college. My advise is if the relationship with this one guy is not working then go ahead and see what dating the church guy will be like. This is what teenage life is all about. Not every relationship is going to workout but you learn something from each.
Just don't be a snob and look to date the popular guys, the ball players or the ones who could be models. There are some really great guys who don't fit that mold that you need to get to know.
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