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Picking between two guys
A lot of things have happened over the past year. I've had a lot of up's and down's. My ex boyfriend of three years cheated on me, hence ex-boyfriend. Its funny how things happen. I never thought that I would get cheated on. I guess I fell off my high horse. It hurts to know that the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with would betray you in such a manner. In results to the infidelity, I decided to move on. I gave it my all! I did everything in my power to save my relationship but I couldn't do it alone. I've always had insecurity problems and this situation made me feel worse about myself. I released my anger in the wrong way. In order to move on, I decided to get with another person. I've always found this person attractive. I felt honored to have his attention. I felt like it wasn't the time for me to move on but I needed to, for myself, in order to distract myself from the pain I was feeling inside. I felt like there was a better person out there that wanted me. It was another chance. I never really let go of my feelings for my ex. He was my first love. Now i've run into a dilemma. My ex has promised that he would change. Even though he has lied to me countless of times about other situations and etc; I feel like I can trust and believe his words. But I feel like I can never look at him the same. Every time that I see his face, all these negative thoughts arise. But he makes me feel loved. I see a real future with him because that's all I thought about in the past. Once you know what love is, its hard to let it go. Now that I'm single, I'm wishing to be in a relationship with him. I see so many couples happy and it reminds me of how it used to be. Yes we argued but what couple doesn't. With the current guy that i'm "talking" to, I find myself comparing what I used to have with my ex. And everything that he doesn't do, I question. I feel like, he's not doing what he's supposed to do. I know that everyone's different but it feels weird. I yearn for this love that I'm not receiving from him. It pushes me to want to go back to the past because I'm comfortable with that. I'm forcing myself to feel love and affection. I'm pushing the current guy to give me more than he's willing too. He tells me to be patient and i'm very understanding about his feelings but it puts me in a tough spot. I'm left with a man who is willing to fix everything he ever had with me and love me more than ever. Which comes with a risk of getting cheated on again, reoccurring arguments about the past and possibly having more trust issues. OR being with a guy who doesn't want a relationship at the moment, who wants everything to be his way, calls upon me when he feel its convenient for him and etc. I want to try something new but I don't want to let go of the past. I'm scared to move on because I don't know what the future will entail with this person. I'm scared of going to the past a losing a possible future with the person i'm talking to now. The guy said "be patient" but will this patience be worth the wait or will I be making a big mistake? What should I do? I am lost? I am sad? I am scared!
Who do I pick? What do I do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You may feel you have two guys to pick between. You may know these 2 guys but I don't believe this is an issue of picking between either of them.
I actually think it's probably a good thing that #2, who is someone you went after to distract you from #1, is not head over heels crazy about you because if he was and found out that the only reason, or even if its the 'main' reason you got together with him was to forget the other, I don't think he'd like that. I certainly wouldn't like being someones second choice, or worse, not even a choice which implies that person cares about me alot but in reality, its another story.
No, #2 isn't someone you are in love with, so I don't believe you need to be choosing him. You need to release him to find real love with someone else because you aren't loving him for who he is, but comparing him to #1.
So what about #1? I have lived long enough and gone through having to make some major life decisions and changes to get to where I am today.
I can tell you why number# is not someone for you to be with ID you are ready to learn and grow and move on with your life. I am not mentioning love because women have more often than not, loved men who didn't love them in return, at least not in the way needed for a couple relationship. THere is love like loving a certain music or favorite food and then there is 'being in love.' What women want is a man who is in love with them. If you are willing to settle for less, then by all means go ahead and get back with #1. But there is a lesson to be learned there for you. Its the same kind I hear from women who ask, "Why is it that the only men i seem to find are losers? Why do I attract them?" Indeed, fate will make sure that we attract into our life, that which we need to learn a lesson from.
Lets use me as an example. I was married to an abusive guy, verbally tho. It took until 30 yr with him before I was confident in myself enough. However I was staying with a married daughter while saving up to get a place of my own. A guy I knew from before, just like you knew of your #2, suggested that we get an apt together so that I'd have a way to afford having a place and we'd just be friends with benefits. I needed a place so I went for it. Now comes testing time. Within 2 months it had gone south. I was divorced and dating other guys to find a possible long term partner at which point I'd no longer be with him. Yep, I was using him but we both admitted we were both using each other and were okay with it, so when thats the case, its okay. However I had no idea that he was so troubled, Narcissistic. He began to tell me who I could or shouldn't see. He tried controlling my life in every aspect and here I was in a vulnerable situation. I stayed with my ex as long as I had cus I feared I couldnt make it on my own financially. Now here I was, in an apt I couldn't afford without him. Would I go backward on the lesson I passed in leaving my ex cus he wasn't treating me in a loving manner and wasn't in love with me? Oh he said he loved me but his actions never backed up his words. Sames with #2. I was scared, the money I had saved up I spent elsewhere thinking I'd not need it so now I would either have to cater to his whims and allow him to continue to mistreat me, or say it was over. I was shaking but told him it was over. He moved out immediately. I tried but couldnt find a roommate in 2 weeks for next month, so I had to let the place go and a friend took me in, no cost, just to let me start saving up my earnings. While looking for what I could afford,, I had the money I needed to get my own place, I met the guy who would become my 2nd husband. I had passed my test a 2nd time, to love myself enough to not settle for less or subject myself by choice to a relationship with little hope or bright spots. I may sound cold here but I have to admit that I did indeed have deep feelings for each of the two men. However, when that love isnt returned and deposited into your hearts savings account, eventually that acount will be empty with nothing to withdraw. By their actions towards me, each of the two had in their own way, whittled away the love I once felt. Its not so for every woman. Sometimes she battles more with memories buried in her subconscious, the feelings of love from before it had run dry, comparedd to how it really is now. Perhaps you are facing a test with #1.
And perhaps you're so wanting to go back to him because you are willing to settle for less or perhaps its more about memories of love rather than current love.
Humans often love whats not necessarily good for them, take junk food for example, and yet we still eat it. Why, something about it is intoxicating or addicting enough to want us coming back for more. And we will indeed health problems arise related to it. Sometimes, that is when a few wake up and realize they've been on the wrong path and totally change their diet.
Its the same in relationships. We can be on the wrong path and not know it until cettain issues have arisen. You have plenty of issues that have come up, cheating, booken trust, ect. to realize that something needs to change. But change is scary. Realize that no knight in shining armor is going to come riding in and snatch you away from this trouble. You have to become strong and change occur within yourself to be ready to walk away from a bad situation.
Heres a quote I like: Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so.
It only happens with both parties put in maximum effort to make it so.
Your #1, needs to be really into thie relationship 100%, giving to it, building it up, being supportive and loving and not looking for dallying with other women.
You state he has promised he will change. Will change is not the same as having already channge and you already know how hard it is and scary too for people to change. Just because a person says the words, doesn't mean it is true. You are believing he has the personal strength to do better. What if all the strength he has is to speak the words he thinks you want to hear, but unable to back those words up in action.
So tell him, you change first cus if you do, I will notice it,, and when that happens, you wont have to beg me to come back, I will want to. But until then, I am not coming back.
Or instead of giving him his umpteenth chance to do better, you let him go now.
This would mean not going with either guy.
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You are in a situation where none of the options are all that good, just mediocre. Waiting for the new guy and being "patient" is not the answer. Even though there is likely something you are gaining from his company, he sounds selfish. That being said, getting back with your ex is also not the answer. Even though that relationship sounds like the one that was most special to you, it sounds like your ex has some problems that (let's be honest) will end up screwing you over in the end. I understand why you are sad and scared. It's good that you are in touch with those feelings. Listen to them! Pick neither! If you want to experiment a little with each relationship, go ahead. But, I think you know in your heart that neither guy is quite right for you.
Even though neither guy is quite right for you, you can experiement with dating one or the other. Just be aware that every moment you spend with these two is a moment that could be spent finding someone better. So, being with one of these guys is kind of like choosing to focus on short term happiness instead of focusing on finding the one.
Also, if you do choose to focus on short term happiness instead of on finding the one and date one of these guys, try to be as selfish about it as possible. Ask for what you want, get them to pay, break their arms and legs if they hurt you. Make it about what YOU want, because neither of these relationships seem to have true, long-term potential.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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I honestly don't think either one of them are "the one". In my opinion I feel now that you're with someone else and not available is the main reason your ex is interested and saying he's willing to make some changes. Your ex has already shown you what type of person he is. Generally people don't just change. Taking him back is only telling him that he can treat you anyway he wants to and know you'll eventually get over it.
As for the new guy; he fulfilled his job. You needed him to help you deal with moving past your ex. He's clearly not looking for the same things as you. He's lacking in some areas of interests which is why you compare him to your ex.
The right guy will come around eventually. He'll be just what you need with his own style and way of doing things that you'll rarely even think about your ex let alone waste time comparing the two. Just give yourself some time. Get to know yourself better and learn to enjoy life outside of an intimate relationship. Enjoy your friends and allow things to take place naturally.
Don't limit yourself and feel you must choose now. Don't feel your only options are between these two guys. If you settle now you'll never know what you're missing out on.
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