|
Him reaching out is confusing to me
26/F
He's 33
He and I started talking on Facebook in 2013. We lived across the country from one another, and kept it going for almost 2 1/2 years. It was basically a long distance relationship without the actual title. Phone sex, FaceTime sex, sexting, nude photos, etc. We were both busy with our lives and couldn't seem to make a visit happen either way. We had talked about me moving there to be with him and we had exchanged "I love you's" for over a year. I began making plans to move there, but didn't tell him because I wanted it to be a surprise. Right before I was going to tell him and follow through with the move, he admitted he began seeing someone there. I backed off immediately, but still moved anyway because I had already set everything up to move; I didn't want my money and efforts to go to waste. He could've said "you're coming here? I choose you" but he didn't.
I've been here a few months now, and he suddenly reached out to me yesterday. He knows I ended up coming here. But he's still with that woman he chose over me. Why is he reaching out when he's still with her? I don't get it. Is he trying to be friends? Is he testing the waters to see if I still want him because his relationship isn't working out? I haven't said anything to him. I left his text unanswered. If he wasn't with anyone I might consider responding, but since he is still with her I feel like that's not appropriate.
Can someone, a man preferably, explain why men do this? We're not friends on Facebook anymore, but he liked a couple of my posts right before the text happened. Which means he looks at my profile. One of the posts he liked was one where I talked about how I made the best of the move and it's worked out for me so far, and that I feel really happy. Could it be that he realizes I'm moving on and doing fine here in a city I came to specifically for him? It's just confusing to me. I wish I understood how the male brain works.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I believe he is reaching out to you, so he can try and get the best of both worlds. I congratulate you on not responding and realizing that it is inappropriate. a lot of other people would not see that. what ever his case is. he has moved on and is coming back into your life, making it impossible for you to move one.
I think he misses you and there fore wants to hold on to what ever part he can of you. But that is not fair to you at all.
]
The fact you are confused is natural as far as understanding the differences between the sexes.
You did mention only the sex as the basis of this relationship and not the rest of what goes into the makeup of a happy long lasting relationship. If it was there and you just didnt mention it, then so be it. But if it was really just a sexual connection, then perhaps the first thing I thought of, a book for women to help understand men, is what you need to hear something from right now.
Personally, I don't believe LDR's are successful much at all, only in special circumstances of having known each other in person before having to be separate for different colleges, or one off in the service. And the internet and dating sites, etc, used as a tool to get to know of the existance of a person IS good, its how I met my 2nd husband, but it should be used as a tool, and once you've met and talked on line enough for a couple weeks to know you're still intrigued in the person, its at this point that its critical to move this into the real world asap. Even after a couple weeks or talking on phone every night to guys I met thru dating sites, when I finally met face to face, we both realized immediately that something was missing, no pheremone connection or chemistry as friends, at lesast, not until I met the guy I am still with 7 years now.
I read a book checked out rom my library, by Canadian author and psychologist Dr. Linda Papadoupolous, a book geared at teaching women about the differences of men and some of misconceptions or problems in relationships simply due to how we think. I highly suggest you check out and read this book. If not at library, you can ask your local bookstore for it and if not carried on the shelf, they can order it.
Heres an excerpt from it:
What Men Say, What Women Hear
By Dr. Linda Papadopoulos
A great self help book on relationships using the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) method of improving relationships and bridging the communication gap.
We need to acknowledge that to a large extent, the way we interpret what is being said is based on the pre-existing beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world around us, not always based on the others intent.
It is impossible to tell somebody what they want to hear, when you can't understand what they're saying in the first place.
CTE's (Common Thinking Errors) are actually negative or distorted thinking. They don't appear overnight but after years of peoples influence on us that have shaped these CTE's and they go unchallenged. Once en-grained in our minds, they become automatic and you don't even realize the havoc your are causing to your own happiness. You need to learn to reprogram these thoughts or replace them.
Some of the chapter topics covered.
Interpreting what's said differently than the original intent, Flirting and courting
First dates, Becoming a couple, Talk about sex, Commitment Issues, Meeting In-laws,
Moving in Together, Fighting Fair, When One of you cheats, The need to talk, Marriage Material? And a Happy ever After.
SEX: Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
One Night Stands: involves maximum excitement and minimum commitment. Men are more interested in them than women because they are better at separating sex and emotion than women are. Therefore after a one-nighter with a guy the female is left wondering what their encounter meant or where it will go from here, believing there must be more to it than just sex at the spur of the moment. Men are more prone when seeing a good looking women, to feel lust. On other hand women spotting a model type guy generally think, he's hot but aren't necessarily thinking sex.
Sex Hormones: determine our drive, arousal and orgasms. Both men and women want sex as much as the other but at different times and for different reasons. Men want it more regularly, due to testosterone. Women's hormones make her response less predictable, occurring sporadically & dependent on other influences.""
Me again:
Based already on what she says about sex, I can see how you were having expectations that he probably did not. HIs reaching out to acknowledge you are in the area is likely not sexually related, or interest in a relationship with you, just common courtesy of acknowledging the comment or presense of another person.
I know you both exchanged "I love you's". But thered are two very different feelings behind those words spoken. I can love lots of things about a past boyfriend so when I said I love you, it was true, but it wasn't the kind of love, the deep 'in love with' type thing where I could see myself living with or married to for the rest of my life. And yes, sex was involved but I happen to be one of few females who can separate sex from emotion like men can. We have things we prefer greatly in life, so we tend to say, I love chocolate, I love scary movies, or love salsa dancing, but as strong as those love feelings are, and as true as they may be, they are not the kind of love required for a healthy happy relationship, for that one needs to be 'in love'...cus that is something that can't be stopped by loss thru death, or lured away to love someone else, its the kind of love most women want but because they don't understand, they end up with the other kind which is a sad replacement. To be better equipped to navigate a relationship in the future, I really do suggest you do some reading, if not the book I suggested, then others. I know what I know from a combo of what I have read and studied plus experiencing the stuff for myself so I can see that what I read is spot on.
]
More Questions: |