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Am I selfish?
Female, 15
Hello, so I am not very close with my family. My parents and siblings I am, but not my cousins and aunties, those people. On my dad's side of the family I have many cousins and aunties, but I barely know them. They live in America, and we used to go there a bit when I was younger, but we don't really travel there anymore. I met quite a few of them when I was younger, but now I don't remember them, and on facebook we are friends but I don't even know them. My dad is disappointed in me because I said that I don't even know them so I don't see why they are my friends on facebook, and I know that my dad is close with them and would like me to be too, but quite frankly I don't even remember them. I don't see why just because we are blood related it automatically means that I have to be friends with them. My dad and my brother are now calling me selfish because I don't see them as my friends. They are saying that I'm not even making an effort, but my cousins aren't either it's not like they message me on facebook.
I feel bad about this and now I am beginning to think that I am selfish and rude. I thought that was one of my qualities, being able to think of others and their feelings and see their perspective but now they've been calling me selfish and I am doubting myself. What should I do? Now my dad is annoyed with me and my brother is criticising me and giving his opinion on me when I didn't ask for it. I also don't really have much in common with them because they like watching footy and things like that and I am just a teenager who is interested in other things like writing and fashion and things like that.
I am trying to better myself and find out more about myself and they keep calling me materialistic and selfish, and they make me feel like I am a bad person. I have been having self esteem and confidence issues which I am trying to overcome that they don't know about and them saying this to me is not helping.
I try to be selfless but I also want to keep myself and my emotions in mind. I try to make others happy. Am I being selfish for this?
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While I am not going to fully take your side on this your father and brother are the most wrong in what you have written. Having a somewhat large extended family myself I can understand how you feel.
Unlike you once a month the entire family from Aunts and Uncles to second cousins gathered in the basement of an apartment building. The adults had reason to gather and while they did us kids were sort of left to fend for ourselves with the older kids watching out for the younger.
There was a great deal of disparity among us. Many were recent immigrants who did not speak the language well and lived in what we now called subsidized housing in the city. Those were the second cousins mostly. My first cousins who I really didn't know much better. We lived in the suburbs and we may as well have been different countries for as much as we saw each other between family meetings.
After all those year and all those meeting I remain in touch with just two cousins. My Uncle's son on my mothers side and my father's cousin's daughter. Why because we as a family saw them regularly.
So as you can see even though I know I have a big family out there someplace my actual family I remain in touch with I can count on the fingers of my hand and there is nothing wrong with this. Just because you are related through blood does not mean you will have a life time relationship.
TO build a relationship needs more than a few lines each week on social media. Relationships need interaction between you. Which in my case happened in my childhood with my two cousins. Today we live in three different areas of the country and stay in touch through emails and social media which we can do because we have the foundation to do so in a relationship built on interaction when we were young.
This is what your father and brother are not understanding. You may not be the type of person that can build a relationship over social media, not everyone can. Most of us can sustain a relationship in that manner once a foundation has been laid but not start and maintain one.
I have cousins, first cousins who live in England. They are the Children and grandchildren of my Grandfather's brother who remained in England after the war. I tried to start a relationship with them and their children but they were not interested. I was able to start a relationship with their Father before he passed away, my Uncle's son. It was a short time but he was able to fill me in on the connection that I was missing which I valued greatly. Frankly it was a fluke we got together for he found the letter I sent his daughter and decided to answer me.
I've told you all this to show you that you are not wrong though you are also not right. Friends will come and go as their life changes but family is forever regardless of where life takes you. Is it really all that hard to try and find one or two cousins that you can connect with who may be about your age.
Sure it will be a different type of relationship but you never know, one day when your older you may hear a knock on your door and guess who is there your cousin from the states took a holiday vacation to your country and decided to look you up. I wanted to do that with my cousin he lived in Manchester England but I had been involved in an Auto accident that left me disabled and at the time I could not travel. Had I been able to I would have.
Just think about it. Write a short open letter about what life is like for on a daily basis and send it to family only. See who write you back. Then go from there.
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