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going on a trip and do not want to, it's long
Hello :). So, I am 25/f and I've been friends with this girl since I was 17. We'll call her Nancy. We went to different schools but met at a homecoming dance senior year of high school. Before me, she was "best friends" with this girl, Marla. But, it was kind of weird how they became "best friends" so fast. Like a week after they met, they were doing everything together. She even set her up with one of her friends. One day, my mom was driving us somewhere and she told both me and her about how the guy thought she was really ugly because he only dated supermodels. At the time, I was young and I probably didn't even give it a second thought. But, looking back, it just brings the story full circle, because if she talks bad about her "best friend" to other people, whose to say that she's not talking bad about me to them?
Well, anyway, fast forward. She had a huge fall out with Marla. It was all over myspace and facebook. Everyone in my school knew about it and she didn't even go to that school. She slandered Marla. I don't even know, looking back, if she had anything to do with this, but I remember Marla almost getting expelled from school for illegal substances and she's just not the type of person who would do that. She's a dancer, for many years. Marla was good friends with my sister. They went to the same academy of dance. It's not like I know her SUPER well, but I know that dance is her life and the whole thing just doesn't add up.
I became Marla's replacement. But, it happened so quickly, that I didn't even realize it. Suddenly I was her "best friend." But, being her friend became strenuous thing. She always wanted to go to the beach and go to the mall. It was constant. One day she wanted me to sleep over and my mom didn't let me. And she had a FIT. When they told her that she couldn't go to my graduation because they were turning people away at the door, but that she could come to the dinner, she threatened my grandmother. Needless to say, she doesn't take things very well! But, we've never had a serious fallout like she had with Marla. She's just always left me with fear of her reactions. I'll get into that in just a few moments.
She left the state for college and I stayed here, in the same state. Her roomate in college, Lily became my replacement "best friend." I don't know what happened, but I know it was bad. My mom was friends with her on facebook, too and she brought it to my attention because she was worried. Apparently, Lily had a boyfriend and Nancy got jealous because she was spending too much time with him. I don't know all the details, but given the past circumstances, I can only imagine that it was a reaction of Lily not following through with plans. I know that Lily had to leave the room, and if I'm not mistaken, even the school. The message is loud and clear: don't make her unhappy. And her demands, I would argue, are unreasonable.
I maintained contact with her, but it was very superficial. Only recently, has been contacting me more. But, this time, I'm actually quite hurt by her. About six months ago, I fell in love with someone and I personally feel we went too far, too fast. He was also a fake...a jerk in disguise. I actually met him because she introduced me to him. I legitimately thought I was pregnant. I was throwing up and exhibiting pretty much all the symptoms. When I reached out and told her about it her response was that he had been in love with her for two years... with a grin on her face. Now, whether or not this is true is irrelevant. The point is that it's not really the most appropriate thing to say when someone confides in you that they think their pregnant. They are already vulnerable. It just seems so selfish to me that this would be her response. She's just the epitome of a mean girl!
So, fast forward to now. She apparently is also "best friends" with a co worker. But, she threatened her to break up with her boyfriend so that she could go clubbing with her. The boyfriend didn't know she was the cause of the break up. So, he spent time talking to her as a friend!!! When the co-worker found out, her and her boyfriend got back together. It was then that the boyfriend fount out about the threats that drove her to the break up. So, he outed Nancy. He told his gf all of the bad things that Nancy had talked about her.
Prior to this fight, these two "besties" decided that they wanted me to go with them across the country for fourth of July weekend. They even bought my tickets and took care of all the travel arrangements. So, I felt compelled to go. Particularly because of what I've seen all these years about Nancy's reactions to things not going her way. I'm genuinely afraid. I know what she'll use against me, and it's the guy that I mentioned above. It gets worse. She even presented me with going on a trip two weeks from now. Apparently, the people going on this trip are very wealthy and she told them "not all my friends are as rich as us." While I applaud that she recognizes that not everyone has the amount of money she has... I think it's also a weird way to express it. It just makes me feel like in that trip, people are separated by the rich people and the poor people. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I'm afraid of making her unhappy because of her threats and behavior in the past. I genuinely am worried, but I really don't want to go. There was recently an earthquake in where we are traveling too, there have been three major events that happened in my state, one which was an attack. Today, there was an airport attack in Turkey. I'm just not in the mood to travel... particularly with someone like her.
Can anyone offer me some advice?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
This all depends on how great your fear of her is, as to whether you will turn her down.
I don't know if you realize this, but something is very off balance with her. She has no real friends.
Her so called 'friends' seem to all sound like people she has forced herself on and then either out-rightly verbally threatened or threatens by her erratic, unreasonable and vengeful behavior.
A person can't be forced to be friends with someone they don't like. You always have a choice even if it seems like you don't. The real problem is when we give away control of our life or at least that part of it to someone so they can then call all the shots and tell you when to jump and how high to jump. This person is anything but a friend. And we know you are not the only person who has pissed her off which seems real easy to do. I would imagine that not smiling enough in her presence is enough to piss her off. This is nothing other than allowing yourself to be enslaved by her. If you can't pass this test and learn how to be self confident enough and back in control of your life, not letting someone else like her call the shots, then you will keep running into way more people like her, maybe even in guys, until you learn to turn them down.
If you can't learn this, I suggest you dont ever have children. The reason I say this is that when a parent is training a child to follow house rules, proper way of conduct in life and the kid throws a fit, parents who are where you are now in life, afraid of 'the brat' coming out in their kid, of their kid threatening to make up stories to authorities if you don't get them what they want, so parents cave in and the kids become little hoodlums so to speak.
So I hope you see that fear has you bound up, fear of what will happen if you turn her down and don't go. It doesnt sound like you ever agreed to go. She was foolish to buy a ticket that may not be able to be refunded, thinking that the knowledge of that is the lever she can use to force you to go. That and the knowledge that if you do this, she'll be angry and try to slander you.
Here's another thing to think about....the people who really matter to you, who really know you, are going to know you well enough to know she's making it all up and a mature person even if they don't know you all that well but know of her, are going to know she is the one who obviously has some problems.
My ex has always and still has problems with relating to people. He is unable to hold any really good relationships. This didn't just affect his marriage, but shows todays in lack of relationships with his kids, girlfriends who keep leaving him, losing one job after another for what I suspect was his inability to relate well with other co-workers, thus self destructing his chance to work anywhere. It doesnt take long for a person with a brain to see that shes the one with the problem.So when I left, a friend of mine wrote to tell me of all the horrible stories he was passing around about me to mutual friends, all made up and to make him look good. My reaction was, Thats great because this will weed out those who never were worth the blessing of being considered my good friends. Those who do not believe her, are the only ones worthy of being given your time and friendship. If it seems the majority of people side with her, thats probably going to be right. The majority of people one calls friends are really not the kind of people who will stay loyal and love you through good and bad times. Do not accept referrals of friends or boyfriends from her. She wouldn't know how to tell if a person was a healthy minded and loyal good person. If you find a guy willing to date you, Spend more time in the beginning talking to each other about your past and recent experiences, tell about yourself and in that time, ask if he's ever had any person force themselves on him as a friend or girlfriend? If he has a story, listen to it. And wehn its your turn, tell him yours. It depends on your tone of voice and where your heart is when you tell him. Essentially, this will be a warning to him so if she does somehow discover of his existance from someone else who knows you, she can't spoil things by coming up and trying to ruin your relationship with him. It might be best to let him know that the only reason you allowed her to manipulate you for so long is that you were terrified of what she might do if you didnt jump to her will. ANd give him examples. If you feel sorry for her and wish that she could realize that she's the one with issues and needs to be a professional for a psychological testing, so that hopefully she could live a normal happy life and actually be a GOOD friend, then this will not come across as gossip or tattling on someone, but concern from a mature person who cares but also knows there is nothing the average person can do to help her. Pretending to be her friend and going along with everything she demands of you, is only prolonging the time from her hitting dirt bottom in her life, with no people who will interact with her at all and realizing that she has a problem and needs to get help. Even if its not mental illness, it may be a personality disorder which for all rules and purposes is just as destructive on relationships of any kind.
So tell Nancy no, you are not going. Give her the valid examples of why you dont want to go. It doesnt matter what she says about the ticket or not getting money back. It is in bad taste to choose to make a time commitment for you. You can make your own arrangements, deciding for yourself what club to go to, what party to attend, and when and where you will go on vacation. You understand that to her this is a gift to you and while its nice to give gifts to friends, this is over the top because you have to take time away from work or school to go. She didn't allow you an option to choose where you wanted to go on vacation, when you wanted to go and to be able to make arrangements for time away from work, or if having a pet, for finding someone to care for it,etc. (I am still giving example of what to say... cus if she doesnt hear it truthfully from enough people, she'll never know that she is the problem.) Don't yell, dont raise your voice, if she starts yelling, talk slow but loud enough for her to hear over her ranting and raving and warn her to stop the yelling or you will leave, or hang up depending on whether on phone or in person. I would not go thru the bother to meet her in person to tell her this, not someone who has forced themselves on you.
I do know what an unwanted friend is like. Dont have it to the extreme you do right now but everytime I am worked at my job at a fast food place or hanging out there for the internet, she's a street person who forces her attention on you. I have seen her slide into the booth of anyone who is sitting alone and try to chat as long time friends. Then she starts asking for favors. All the management know her. SHe's come here for decades and met a rich lady who spoke with us and told us she got this lady an apt of her own all furnished, didn't have to live on the street but she ignores what the rules are, what peoples wishes are and still tries to take up your time expecting you to give her your full attention. If someone offered me an apt. all paid for, I'd grab it. The fact she turned it down says something isn't right in her head, and I believe the same goes for Nancy. As I said, if you can't get past your fear of how she'll be revengeful after wards, then you're bound to a lifetime of many more people like this in it. You will be tested on occasion afterwards with someone coming into your life and starting to act up like Nancy and you have to nip it in the bud and say, I thank you for your interest in me but i don't feel I have enough in common with you. And stop communicating, don't answer their texts or calls. Better yet, don't hand out your number instantly just cus someone asked for it. no one is holding a gun to your head to force you to do it, so don't.
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