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My life is a nightmare
I'm 25/f and I still live at home, unfortunately for me. Now I know I may sound ungrateful, but please forgive me. I don't know where to begin. My parents and I have always had a rocky relationship. We never seem to get along. They're constantly criticizing, yelling, or getting pissed at me if I don't do the things they want me to do. Now I've tried to talk to them but they don't want to change, and i'm trying because I know I can't change them, I'm trying to focus on me. I have ADHD and depression. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past. Like experiment with drugs, sex, etc. But i'm over that. However my mom is still holding a grudge against me and can't seem to ever let it go. She uses that as a weapon. We can't have a normal conversation because every time I try to talk to her she's always annoyed with me. and it's the same with me. I've been seeing a therapist and we have been talking about me moving out. I have a job however I don't make enough to live on my own. Another thing my mother uses against me as a weapon. She complains about me to my therapist and whoever wants to listen to her. She says I don't clean my room, workout, blah blah blah. The goal was if I improve I would be able to move out, but according to her that hasn't happen. And according to my therapist I don't need to impress my mom but need to impress her! When she told me this I didn't understand what she meant.I feel like everyone is just using that I can't afford to live on my own against me. I don't see why I have to "impress" my therapist? I mean shouldn't I be doing this for myself? Why would I want to do this to impress her? I don't think it'll benefit me or her to try and "impress" her All i want is to move out. Does anyone have any suggestions? I've looked at roommates, but no luck. And according to my therapist I don't have the "social skills" needed to move in with someone, because how i act at home and at therapy. Because my mom comes to my therapy sessions and all she does is bashes me. I'm so sick of it. Last week she yelled at me and threatened me because I hung out with my friend who she knows was a drug addict, but is clean now. I was gone and went to my support group meeting. I Was early and waited in the parking lot. Then afterwards I had dinner with my friend from the support group meeting. and didn't come home til 10. So she yelled at me. And then my dad started yelling at me. I understand they don't want me to lose my job since i am trying to move out. That was a problem before but that was because i was off my meds so I couldn't keep a job. But anyways she got pissed. I tried looking for another job and when she found out she freaked out and told me if I got another job I would be in "deep shit." I tried to explain to her that I would only take the job if they offered it to me which they didn't since my current job is only 30 hours a week and pays $11/hr. And this other one was paying $12 and was 40 hours. But she never listens and always tells me she doesn't want to hear it. I have no idea why my mom went crazy that day. But anyways I'm sick of all this. They're being nice to me right now because I had to have surgery since one of my ovaries had a cyst and it ruptured and there was blood in my stomach. So now my mom is going to my cousin's wedding, which I can't go, and my dad is taking care of me. so of course NOW they're being nice, but I seriously wonder how long it's going to last. Well anyways I'm done complaining. I really could use some suggestions because I'm sick of my parents, my therapist and everyone in general. I've tried to get another one but my parents got mad when I started seeing another one. They go through my credit card bills of course and that's how they found out! I don't think the therapist I currently see is very helpful.Thanks for your help, like I said any suggestions will help.
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So, they demand of you to move out, but oppose you finding a better paying job in order to do so. How ambivalent, what a mixed message! Obviously, you parents cannot admit that they are lonely and insecure about you moving out and going your own way. If you owe someone money, but they deliberately prevent you from paying them back as a calculating ruse in order to continue holding it over your head, then that's their fault, not yours. And the same principle applies here, obviously. So stop trying to explain yourself. Tell them that you do not wish to upset them further, and will only respond to questions asked calmly and politely. And that you will be happy to pick this up again when they have regained their calm and composure, and this won't be too stressful for them. Give then a hug. Make them tea. But do not take their bait. And stop repeating yourself. Simply state: "My position on this matter has not changed." Take and keep physical possession of your computer and your car. -no explanation and no discussion. You also need to set boundaries. Do not keep any paper receipts and records at home. Scan them and password protect them. You need you car, your computer and your own privacy, in order to make more money and move out. Period. And if your shrink indeed acts as a substitute parent that you must answer to, this is malpractice. Your parents should never participate in your therapy beyond your own personal comfort with such an option. To begin with, is your personal Psychotherapist even qualified in Family Therapy, in order to include other family members on an ongoing basis? Family Therapy with a separate qualified family therapist, who won't get sucked into letting anyone gang up on anyone else, might be in order. Do learn about Family Therapy. Also, read 'Games People Play.' And above all, shun Behaviorism in all of its guises.
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I agree with you that you need to find another therapist this one is not being there for you which is the purpose of a therapist. Your therapy sessions should be for you and you alone not with your mother. How can you unload your problems with your mother with her in the room?
Okay that being said let’s find a way to do things without mom controlling your life. First of all your 25 a full-fledged adult. Having ADHD is not something that requires custodial care from your parents. It is not a mental disease that would allow them to have control of your life. In fact it is not a mental disease as much as it is a medical problem.
I know your living at home and in this day and age it is more the norm then unusual for someone of this age to still be living at home. Since you are at home you may still be under your parents’ health insurance. That does not give them the right to control your medical life. In fact your parents have no rights to your medical information either unless you give it to them in writing to the doctor treating you.
Fix number 1. Until you find another therapist on your next visit to your therapist tell her you are invoking your rights under HIPPA. If she asks what you mean by this and she should know. Tell her from this session forward no one but you and she can be in the session and she cannot report anything said in therapy to anyone other than the insurance company for the purpose of billing. Once said she must ask you mother to leave the room.
Mom can holler and scream state it her insurance paying the bill and she has every right to be there. No she does not. HIPPA is a federal law that protects a patient’s privacy. I could be paying for your therapy and I would have no right to know what goes on in therapy. Stand your ground and insist on your HIPPA rights, do not be bullied.
Fix number 2. You need a better job to be able to leave home and live on your own. You need a job with better potential for higher income. There are two ways of finding these jobs. One is to go back to school and get the training you need for a better job. Many of the technical/trade schools offer evening classes and job placement upon completion of the courses. The other way is to continue to answer ads in the paper or to go to a placement agency and let them test you to see what job best fits with the skills you have.
If you don't have any skills that will get you a high paying job then my suggestion is to go to school at night after work if need be. Sit down and think about what you like to do. Do you like to cook or bake? Then culinary school might be right for you. Maybe you like to travel, do you like to drive. Maybe truck driving is right for you. Some trucking companies are so desperate for drivers they will train you for your CDL then put you to work. Maybe flower arranging is something you like. Then working in florist shop might be for you. Pharmacy assistant is a good job and many pharmacies, the big chain ones, will train you to get your license.
what I'm saying is think about what you like doing, would like to do in life for work that is high paying and see what education and skills you need then go get them.
Fix number 3. Your relationship with you parents will never get better if you don't start standing up for yourself. Yes mom is saying one thing but she means another. Stop letting mom push you around. In the future when mom yells at you just say this. "Mom I'm 25 years old an adult responsible for myself." "I love you and appreciate everything you do and have done for me but you have to let me live my life" "I know I have made mistakes in the past and will probably make some mistakes in the future but I have to live my own life if I am to grow and be a part of the community." Community in this instance means the world as a whole.
Yes mom will argue and probably yell and scream. You need to stand your ground and just continue to tell her you are your own person and she can no longer control you but you will welcome any suggestions she may offer. Emphasize the world suggestions.
This has been long and it is the best I can offer. I hope it helps. Pleas find a new therapist because I don't feel this one is helping you.
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